My story

[Mountain_Biker]

Well, I think it is time for me to just give up... go dark.

I found an email from W to OM written last night (after her and I talked via phone to which I thought was a good conversation) about how she is worried that he (OM) is mad at her (W) and she is so sorry and does not want him mad. She asked if he (OM) would meet her at 6. I assume this morning as they work together and she is there by then.

I feel like an idiot and I am being played!!! She just called me and sounded good towards me and I would think it sounded like progress, shy of the damn email. I talked to a mutual friend who has talked with W and told me not to give up and that she is certain there is no PA.

I don't trust her anymore... what do I do? Unfortunately, I live in Minnesota (no fault state) and that means I lose everything. House, custody,.. and I pay child support. I am very angry and that will not help me in anyway. I just want her to run off with the OM and leave me and my kids alone in my house!

What do I do? Is it time for the ultimatum? How do I approach it? Sit down and come to Jesus?

[pearlharbr]

To you... I thank you and hope to hear more from you and gain insight to either 1) save my precious family/marriage or 2) have the courage to stand up for myself and who I am.

Why do you think these are mutually exclusive? It frustrates me to see this again and again. Standing up for yourself does not mean throwing your family away. It means having enough self respect to know what you are and are not willing to put up with and explaining those boundaries. How do you expect your W to respect you if you don't respect yourself?

Well, I think it is time for me to just give up... go dark.

Going dark does not mean giving up. Have you read DR or DB? Read it again. You are not understanding the point of LRT. Going dark is to help you detach and use the time and space to work on yourself. It is not supposed to be a punishment of your spouse.

You are on an emotional roller coaster. Do not make any decisions out of emotions. Before you do anything take 24 hours to let it sit. Think things through as rationally as you can.

Puppy Dog Tails is the master in these sitchs. See if you can find him and ask him to check out your thread.

[Mountain_Biker]

Pearl -

I guess this is why I am here. To gain insight. I will take a deep breath and do nothing for a day or so.

I do not want to punish anyone, certainly not myself or my children. I will read the books again tonight (read twice so far with notes). I will be patient.

I will seek out Puppy's sitch and learn. My feeling of mutual exclusivity is that is how I think W will react. I guess I need to stop thinking in her shoes and start living in mine. I'm getting there and can tell myself that, but to act is still a work in progress.

Keep me straight, that is why I am here. You have no idea how much I appreciate your words. Please keep them coming.

[pearlharbr]

You have been given a lot of good advice but you don't seem to be following it.

Want to be someone that she'll want to be with? Then your strength has to be someone that is complete and happy on his own (and with his kids); someone that will be fine without her, even if you prefer to be with her.

It's almost certain that her feelings for this other guy have gotten in the way. I think the LRT is the right way to go. But that doesn't just mean that you give her space...it also means that you use this time constructively.

Detatching is doing things for yourself

Detaching is not giving up - it's actually quite the opposite. You can't get where you want to go without detaching. And detaching is a win-win for you. Either way your sitch goes, the detaching will get you to a better place in your life - with or without your spouse.

Look back at what you're focusing on:

I want to save this marriage very badly for all the right reasons.

I have identified the things in me I want to change, but she has not.

My problem is overthinking and worrying about the future. I want this to work; I really do, but she has changed and there is nothing I can do.

Baby steps... I will try not to overanalyze, but maybe this is a positive small step.

Once I get to May 1... as you say I may decide to "go dark". Maybe then she will realize who I am

You are completely wrapped up in doing things to save your marriage, focused on what your W is doing/thinking/feeling.

Any changes you make must be for yourself. Your focus must be on making yourself the best person you can be. You said you realized what you did wrong, what was it? What have you done to fix it?

If you only make changes to save your marriage eventually you will stop doing them if your W returns and you'll be back in the same place.

Stop focusing on your W. You cannot control what she does/thinks/feels. You cannot know what is going on in her mind. This is all wasted energy and will drive you crazy. Focus only on yourself and what you can do to make yourself the best person you can be.

[Mountain_Biker]

You are right! I am focusing on the marriage and not me. I think I "act" different to her then I speak here on the forum, but maybe not. So, how do I react to the following:

She asked to get easter candy for kids on Thursday. I said "no, I told you I am going out with friends", I told her Friday night.

She is telling me to add kids on my cell phone plan. I suspect because then when she drops the big-D it is my financial problem. Do I get them to make her happy? That would be for her, not me. I want the kids to have them to some degree, but worried about the cost as all this D plays out.

She asked that we "spend time together" painting the inside of the house. I agreed at first and we did a bathroom together this weekend. Do I continue on the paint thing? I want to "work things out" with her, but not sure if painting is a good idea.

She has been calling me and talking pleasantly with me. Should I continue or just brush her off? I do not answer all her calls, but do talk when I can.

I have read lots of Puppy's entries and learning... Still trying to find the balance between GAL and giving up.

[Mountain_Biker]

Pearl - thanks again for you help and patience.

One more question. You quoted me on "I know what I did wrong" and you asked what I did to fix it.

What went wrong is we did not spend enough time together. What I have done to fix it is to spend more time with family and my children. She commented to my MIL that she has seen a change, but not sure it will hold.

How do I show her that I am fixing it?

[pearlharbr]

This is the last time I am going to say this:

GAL is not giving up! Detaching is not giving up! LRT/going dark is not giving up!

If you can't see the distinction I can't help you.

[JayMan]

How do I show her that I am fixing it?

You answered this question by saying you are spending more time with your family/children...

However, I would suggest that doesn't happen to "fix a problem". It's OK for now - I remember FORCING myself to spend time with my kids initially. I wanted to put my energy on the marriage problems.

However, I'm now so glad I "forced" myself - because at this point, there is nothing I'd rather do than be with them.

You need patience, first and foremost. This is definitely a marathon, not a sprint.

I would suggest that what you're doing is good if W is noticing it, and mentioning to MIL. There are stages they go through - I don't recall exactly, but it's something like:
Stage 1: See changes, think it's fake
Stage 2: See changes continue, but don't want to get their hopes up
Stage 3: See changes, and begin to believe they are permanent, and perhaps test them a little
Stage 4: Believe changes are permanent.

Part of it depends on your W too - I have had changes stick for 2 years, and W still refuses to believe them. Not because they aren't real, but because her self-constructed world comes crashing down if she faces the truth.


From what I read your W is asking to spend time with you - do it. This is apparently one of the bigger problems, and I assume you love and want to be with your wife - so go for it!

The thing that is a personal decision, and something you may need to investigate is if you're willing to tolerate the OM during these times. Sometimes a W will just want to "cake-eat" and have the best of both worlds, sometimes, there truly are feelings, and they are willing to drop OM.

[Mountain_Biker]

Pearl - Please don't give up on me. I get it in life more than I am suggesting here. I am really testing my ideas here to see where I am at. Don't give up on me.

I am NOT giving up on my marriage, not in any way. I am not!

I have read the book and the posts here. I get it, but still need work. I am doing things for myself. I am giving her my attention how I want to, meaning I am trying not to walk on eggshells. I am being the person I am with the new tools and understanding I have gained from books and people here.

I get it... detaching is not giving up. I will not give up.

Please - don't give up on me.

[Mountain_Biker]

Jon - I have to believe that I am doing somethings right, she is noticing. Maybe stage 2 is where I am at.

As for OM, I believe patience is my guide.