I like that validation technique with a twist idea and will definitely put that one in play. With the financial stuff I'm pretty confident she will say something along the lines of "if I have to pay for all of that then how will i live and be able to support our daughter?" That's pretty much how I think that one is going to go. Any thoughts on a response to that?
I like that validation technique with a twist idea and will definitely put that one in play. With the financial stuff I'm pretty confident she will say something along the lines of "if I have to pay for all of that then how will i live and be able to support our daughter?" That's pretty much how I think that one is going to go. Any thoughts on a response to that?
"I agree, this is going to be difficult on all of us."
if pressed, then:
"I think we can both agree that D's needs come first, and she will be well taken care of. What WE need to do is figure out an equitable distribution of our monthly obligations. I will continue to more than help take care of the family's NEEDS, but I have decided that I am no longer willing to pay for anything that directly enables your affair."
Have you figured out in what other ways the family's (your) finances are being used to either directly or indirectly pay for her dalliances?
This is what I sent to my wife, appr. two weeks after getting proof of her affair and confronting her about it:
(Wife),
Today I have opened a separate checking account for my direct deposit, and will use the account to continue to pay our joint bills. As mentioned earlier, you are now responsible for your own credit card payment, as well as the other items mentioned below.
I will transfer $175 each week from this new account into our existing joint checking account, estimating $135 for groceries and $40 for your gas to and from your job and the boys' activities. If there are other necessary items that the boys need (haircuts, clothes, medicine, etc.), please let me know and I will transfer the funds as needed. I will work directly with the girls on their needs, and have already told them that you and I will help them with $60/week for groceries. To help pay for that, I cut them back to a cheaper cellphone plan, and told them that they need to monitor their usage carefully as they will be responsible for any overages. I think we should continue to "link" our financial support to their "full-time student" status, but we can discuss.
I will continue to make sure our family's needs (not "wants") are met. I will NOT pay for:
- your credit card payment (I will transfer, each month, an amount equal to 1/3 of your monthly payment), currently about $520/month, to help offset the expense, since we jointly rang up those expenses.
- your cellphone
- your hair coloring (cuts are fine), nails, clothes, make-up
- additional plastic surgery and procedures (I know you used your own paycheck for this, but that was supposed to have gone toward your tummy tuck balance, as we had discussed, so one way or another, I've been paying for beta peels and Botox, which I will no longer do. We have other more pressing needs).
- take-out (this may be tough, due to baseball, but I will help out as needed)
And we still need to do something about the BMW, which we cannot afford.
As mentioned last week, you need to try and get full-time employment as soon as possible, so we can begin to attack our credit card balances and get both of ourselves in a better financial position as we move forward in this. We can work together to make sure that the boys aren't home alone for extended periods of time, and I'm sure your parents would help in that regard as well.
The above arrangement is obviously temporary, until we can reach a more formal legal agreement on our finances, which I of course will abide by. Please let me know if you feel like I missed anything.
She doesn't have access to my bank account so she can't use that money to fund the affair. Long story short, she has really bad credit from before I met her and she was blackballed by the banks until this year so they wouldn't let me add her to my accounts. Funny how that works. I think I'm going to ask her to pay for her half of the cell phone bill, the car insurance, and her car. I'll continue to pay for the other bills as the are mostly dealing with the house and I'll still live there and with D3's school. I will let her know though that pending a permanent dissolution of the R that she will need to contribute to D3's school.
PDT - my W and I agreed on a similar arrangement where both of us deposit a set amount each month into a joint account for common bills (mortgage, child expenses), but we each now have our own checking accounts and pay for our own meals, gas, utilities, phones, et cetera.
The only thing left to split now is the joint savings account, the 401k/Roth accounts, and the tax refund.
Oh yeah....it definitely is. She's living the single life...she's texting like crazy.
God, they're so predictable, aren't they???
My wife used to stand, with her cellphone held out in front of her, at our boys' baseball games, just waiting for the fix that came with its warm, comforting vibration . . .
Yeah they are. My wife won't let her phone out of her site. She even sleeps with it in her hand. Waiting on the fix....
I just don't get it and I guess I never will...
My wife also has this weird thought that a relationship will always be all fireworks and butterflies that you get in the honeymoon phase. She thinks because it's not like that now that we aren't meant to be together....
