Talked to W a little while ago. Light small talk about my day and her day and her plans for the night. She asked if she could call D3 later and I said that would be ok. She sounded kind of distant in the talk and I asked her if everything was ok. She asked why and I told her just something in her voice sounded off and she replied that she was good and at peace but thanks for checking on her and that I was the best. I replied back thanks, I think I'm the best too. Don't really know what to make of comments like that. I don't read too much into them since I know I should believe anything really I hear or see but sometimes they still make me wonder for a minute.
Yeah, I can see that. I'm sure there has to be a lot of guilt consuming her. If not for me then at least for D3. With her new life she doesn't have much time for her and I know that has to weigh on her when she sees how great a relationship I have with her. She also makes comments and gets into discussions with me about it being ok for me to go out and date or just have a one night stand. Yeah, that would be nice...then I could validate your lifestyle. I've made it pretty clear that when I make a vow I stick to it so I don't know what she is trying to accomplish with all of that other than trying to start an argument with me which I never let her do now. I can tell that drives her nuts.
It's a "neither" thing. It just shouldn't have much impact on your strategy one way or another. Many newbies make the mistake of latching on to what they think are "baby steps" (many of us hate that term to begin with -- blccch!), and are, in actuality, nothing but puffs of simple GUILT, or -- worse -- the wayward spouse is in a good mood because they just got their OM/OW fix (in affair situations, "GOOD = BAD" and "BAD = GOOD" when it comes to their moods).
I do think it can be a good thing if a spouse is nice to you following some sort of boundary enforcement or exposure on your part, as it can mean a sign of newfound respect (and women closely tie respect with love), but other than that, you simply shouldn't put too much weight on it one way or another.
Ok...good to know. I guess for me I would rather she feel guilt rather than nothing at all but you're right that I shouldn't put too much weight on anything really she does.
On other things, W didn't call D3 last night (which is really no surprise these days) but I had a great night with her. I love spending so much time with her and our relationship is getting a lot stronger so I am happy for that. I don't think she gets it that she is loosing her relationship with D3 and I am getting a great one with her.
I'm going to tell W we need to talk this weekend and I'm going to let her know she needs to start picking up her end of the bills. I'm sure there will be some resistance but it needs to be done and honestly this is her choice so she needs to face the reality of it. I'm going to have to do some research on the OM's wife thing. I don't know who she is but I'm sure I can find out. She may even know already but if not then she's going to find out.
W called this morning while I was driving D3 to school and said she was sorry that she didn't call last night. I told her that she needed to make time for D3 because she missed mommy and she is starting to see what is going on and is having problems with it. I told her some of the things D3 has been doing and W said it breaks her heart. I wanted to say then freaking stop what you are doing but I didn't. I just put on a happy face and let her talk to D3 on the phone while I was driving. Some things I will just never understand.
btw, the next time she says that about "breaking my heart," use the validation technique, with a twist:
"I agree; this is very hard on all of us."
or
"I agree -- this must be very traumatic for her."
Basically, you start with the phrase "I agree," but then you either make the following little "truth dart" value-neutral, or sometimes you can even make it a full-on truth dart as to what it is she's doing, but the "I agree" preface softens it.
YOU know your wife better than any of us do. Anticipate what her reactions to each are going to be (to the exposure to OM's wife and the new financial stuff), and how you're going to respond to it. I can help you phrase those if you wish.
