OK I'm back and will try to catch up one at a time....
AzDad...
Your sitch sounds pretty bleak in the sense that she has said she is "dating OM but not sleeping with him". To me this is b.s. She is certainly sleeping with him, only they are just not going "all the way" or something. This is so she can say to you they are not sleeping together.
If I were you, and if you want any chance to work things out with her, I would expose to OM's wife. You mentioned that you maybe selfishly hoped that doing that would disrupt the EA/PA. Heck yes, it will. It will do more than that. It will make your wife go crazy with anger, it will make the OM hate her guts for getting him into trouble, and it will make OMW aware of what she certainly should be aware of. After the fallout, which could be very severe, one of two things will happen: either your W will feel sheepish eventually and will try to talk to you again and re-establish what is going on in your marriage....or she will act faster toward divorce. But at least there is a chance that she will come back around IF she and OM are not allowed to go any further down the road they are on.
Now lets explore what will happen if you DON'T expose?
Your wife will break up another woman's marriage as well as her own, she will chase the OM down until he has no more energy, he will then lose complete interest in her (see my other post about why affairs don't last as relationships), and she will be heartbroken and divorced and so will you and so will OM. However, she will not at this point want to come back to you. She will be too ashamed to admit her mistakes by that time. She will have a huge heartbreak (from fog love, not real love, unfortunatley they feel the same when its time for the heartbreak) and she will nurse her wounds for years to come....with YOU not in the picture at all except as being her ex-husband whom she will blame everything on.
So to me, it seems that exposure to OMW is your only hope....but I hope and wish that there would be another way.
Is there any third option to exposure or just waiting for her to ride out this wave that you haven't presented? I cannot see one but maybe I've missed something.
If it helps at all, try to think of that song by Chicago "I am the man who will fight for your honor". It might be a tear-jerker, but the part of it I want you to understand is that by exposing to OMW with the intention of saving your marriage and preventing your wife from a horrible future (ie: if she follows the road she is on with no exposure), you WILL be fighting for your wife's honor.
