OK I'm back and will try to catch up one at a time....
AzDad...
Your sitch sounds pretty bleak in the sense that she has said she is "dating OM but not sleeping with him". To me this is b.s. She is certainly sleeping with him, only they are just not going "all the way" or something. This is so she can say to you they are not sleeping together.
If I were you, and if you want any chance to work things out with her, I would expose to OM's wife. You mentioned that you maybe selfishly hoped that doing that would disrupt the EA/PA. Heck yes, it will. It will do more than that. It will make your wife go crazy with anger, it will make the OM hate her guts for getting him into trouble, and it will make OMW aware of what she certainly should be aware of. After the fallout, which could be very severe, one of two things will happen: either your W will feel sheepish eventually and will try to talk to you again and re-establish what is going on in your marriage....or she will act faster toward divorce. But at least there is a chance that she will come back around IF she and OM are not allowed to go any further down the road they are on.
Now lets explore what will happen if you DON'T expose?
Your wife will break up another woman's marriage as well as her own, she will chase the OM down until he has no more energy, he will then lose complete interest in her (see my other post about why affairs don't last as relationships), and she will be heartbroken and divorced and so will you and so will OM. However, she will not at this point want to come back to you. She will be too ashamed to admit her mistakes by that time. She will have a huge heartbreak (from fog love, not real love, unfortunatley they feel the same when its time for the heartbreak) and she will nurse her wounds for years to come....with YOU not in the picture at all except as being her ex-husband whom she will blame everything on.
So to me, it seems that exposure to OMW is your only hope....but I hope and wish that there would be another way.
Is there any third option to exposure or just waiting for her to ride out this wave that you haven't presented? I cannot see one but maybe I've missed something.
If it helps at all, try to think of that song by Chicago "I am the man who will fight for your honor". It might be a tear-jerker, but the part of it I want you to understand is that by exposing to OMW with the intention of saving your marriage and preventing your wife from a horrible future (ie: if she follows the road she is on with no exposure), you WILL be fighting for your wife's honor.
I did just indirectly expose EA to OMW, to which she discussed with OM and flat out rejected the suggestion. I jumped the gun prior to your return - my apologies.
Haven't see the fallout yet, however, I did my thing and will not push it further.
At a minimum, the OM knows that 'someone' is on to him.
I think my bigger concern is that W continues to find some fault in anything that I do and badmouths me to her friends and family. She never shows her anger or annoyance with me directly. This concerns me, not that she is laying the ground of me as the bad guy so that if things work out with OM she is justified, but rather that she is purposely withholding any negative feelings toward me and flatly lying that she has any ill feelings toward me to my face.
Side note: I'm reading 'No More Mr Nice Guy' and it is an awakening for me -- to the point of changing my handle to "MrNiceGuy". :-/
OK I just read through all of your threads. You are doing really GREAT in your position!
You said this in one of your last thread posts: "I think I'm moving much closer to realizing W may have given me a gift as I really release my anger and forgive her (and myself for my role in the death of our M) which will help me move on more fully."
I think this is truly the place you need to be in. And for now, my opinion is that you need to detach completely from the idea that you and your W will reconcile. Notice I said "for now". This doesn't mean doom and glood necessarily, because things could change in the future.
In fact, I'm sure they will change as far as her and OM. They will not work out and when that happens, there might still be a chance for your marriage.
I would not count on it, however. Instead, count on yourself being the best person you can be no matter what happens.
I am so happy you found NMMNG as it appears to apply to your sitch directly. You now have new skills going forward in your life. Your W will notice and has noticed, and she is likely going to rebuild her attraction for you one day at a time.
In the meantime, her affair will deteriorate and eventually, the OM will have lost his lustre.
This process will take a long time however, so I think you are wise to go to attorneys and get something legal worked out. You can't really wait it out as far as finances and child support.
But you *might* be able to wait it out as far as your relationship with her and maybe when she and OM have run their course, you and she can rebuild something.
However, by that point you may want nothing to do with her.
One thing I would like people to understand is that YOUR feelings could change so drastically that you may one day think to yourself "wow, I'm so glad he/she left me, as I actually was not happy but I would not have ever realized it if he/she hadn't left me....would I take him/her back now? NO WAY IN HELL."
It seems impossible that you may feel that way someday, but its not. It actually can happen quite quickly.
Yes. It was an anonymous tip to OMW. Although OMW is probably annoyed by the pathetic approach of the information, it planted a seed and tipped of the OM. Not sure what that will actually cause, however.
Thanks for taking the time to read up on my sitch! I appreciate your honest feedback and I agree as time goes on I realize my R with W could result in D which is not what I want right now. However, I'm detaching more each day and building myself up for me
I do have my bad monents and miss my W very much and would love a second chance to build a new future with her.
One benefit, is I'm closer to God than I have ever been in my life and it feels wonderful. I do pray to Him for myself, my children, as well as for W and OM to get back to Him. I have made new friends and restored old friendships and I still like myself very much. My kids love me and they know I'll always be there for them. So, as hard as this has been, life is not horrible right now. Also, I pray we can reconcile but as you said when the day comes I may have moved completely on and then I can thank her for my awaking.
Last edited by ppenton; 04/07/0905:35 PM.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
My WAW of 15 years announced mid feb she wants a separation. The main problems:
- Not enough intimacy - We've never been a 5x a week couple (mostly 1x a month) but were trying the last two or three years to increase it and try some new things. Kinda didn't happen. She always expected me to always initiate everything but I could never read her mood. She seemed always cold and uninterested to me. I think we got into a bad loop where she was waiting for me and I was waiting for her.
- More romance - she views me more like a brother or best friend than a lover. (I always concentrated on friendship first in the marriage).
- Control - She's tired of taking care of my issues. (money, organization, etc). I agree I do need take care of more of my stuff and get a life. I've been working on this.
- Depression - I've been dealing with it on and off for the past three years - probably caused by my own MLC about my career and life goals, and also my family history (others in fam with Depr). I'm on new meds and back in counseling so maybe I can work throught it this time. It's probably hard for other people to understand. It just steals all the energy and pleasure out of life. I don't discuss details of program with her - she just doesn't want to know.
- Bored / MLC - I think she's just bored and looking for some additional excitement in life. About two years ago she started going out more, buying nicer clothes, and being more social.
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My sitch:
1. She said I'm the nicest guy ever, appreciates all the things i do for the family and said specifically "It's not you, it's the dynamic". She doesn't want to be married like this. I take this mostly as the control thing and to work on it I'm DB'ing, GAL, and detaching.
2. Next month she would like me to move out and her BFF (also going thru a divorce) to move in. I'm going to left her know very shortly that I'm not going anywhere. It's my house and my children and I won't just leave. While this will probably help the control thing, I'm sure it will make her very angry - maybe angry enough to file for D just to get me out. (BTW- she's a lawyer and loves a good trial fight). It's a risk I have to take.
3. I'm not sure if she is having an affair. I've asked once and she assured me there was nobody "waiting in the wings" for a separation. Still I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't have something going or if she wasn't actively looking. Reasons:
- She is detached.
- She's not really my "best friend" anymore. While we talk and things are smooth between us, we don't really talk about anything important - just the business of running the household and small talk. She mostly confides in others (and so do I).
- She doesn't like to discuss feelings or relationship issues- it makes her angry. I made these mistakes the first few weeks before I started Db'ing.
- She spends nights out with friends, many of whom are single or divorced.
- She is a Facebook addict - and she "unfriended" me a few weeks ago so we could "have separate lives".
- She has lots of private conversations by phone, email, and is constantly texting. (The texting thing really drives me crazy because she's never "there" with the family - during meals, during together time, or whenever. I don't care if she ignores me, but don't ignore the children!)
Q:
1. Does it sound like a possible affair? Not that I really want to know but I guess that it will effect the dynamic so I should know what will change.
2. I'm DBing, GAL, and detaching - however - because the lack of intimacy may have been one of the bigger reasons for the proposed separation should I flirt with her? Should I try to show her I'm interested and still attracted to her? I haven't even gone there because I've always supposed it was on the other side of one of her many separation "boundaries". We've had very little contact since the separation announcement - just a few hugs. The closest we've had to any suggestive conversation or action was about possibly watching the movie "Zack and Miri" together (our schedules didn't work out so she saw it and I didn't).
3. I kinda feel too detached sometimes. Like she's not interested in me so I don't care. Is this common?
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"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
