First Piecing Thread

[Hope4us]

Nice discussion guys.

To answer your question Pup, yes, I've made it very clear that NC is the single most important thing there is.

I think in W's mind that she thinks if we're meant to be together she doesn't think talking to OM as "friends" would hurt anything. I truly don't think she is (or was) in contact with him every day. I think it was probably more of a once in a while "how's it going?" kind of contact, most probably when WE start connecting again, i.e. it scares her and she's drawn to contact him to validate whether what she's feeling with me is real or is it just because she's not in contact with him. I don't think that's conscious thought on her part, but I think it's whats going on in her head.

I think WDID is probably correct in that after our talk a couple weeks ago, she saw the A for what it was and decided to go NC for good and now she's dealing with the WD. That glass is the big indicator to me.

Now there's another scenario that pops in my head. S16 and I going out of town this weekend gives her an opportunity to be free to see him without me having any idea that she is. And she contacted him (or has been in contact with him) and said she wanted to get together this weekend and he blew her off. That almost seems more the likely scenario to me than the other, but maybe that's just my hyper sensitivity to everything coming out.

Whatever is going on I think is good. Pup, I know you've said it many times, Good = bad and bad = good. Whichever of the situations it is, bad = good.

That's almost the hardest part of piecing your marriage back together. How do you know when good = good?

[fightingirish]

That's hard to say Hope... For me I its been almost 3 years and I still don't know.

Hang in there friend

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How do you know when good = good?

When she shares all of it with you, and is honest, vulnerable and transparent.

[Hope4us]

Now wouldn't that be nice Pup?

Yesterday started off just like the weekend. I IM'd W at work once in the morning to gauge her mood, like WDID suggested and she was pretty short in her responses, so I just let it go.

W got home and I was already fixing dinner. I asked how her day was and she was still pretty short with her answers. So I let it go. About 10 minutes later SHE started talking to me. I just listened and interjected with some probing questions to keep the conversation going.

And it seemed like she warmed some.

So then the rest of the night was pretty decent. Nice conversations. She was watching Dancing with the Stars and I picked up a book I've been reading and she kept bringing up different things to talk about. Each time I'd put my book down, look at her and listen.

We then started watching the NCAA final and that wasn't much fun, but we had some fun talking about the game etc.

Went to bed. I got up this morning and got ready and W hadn't moved before I left the bedroom. I sat downstairs watching Sports Center for a bit before I left and when I did leave, W still hadn't even got out of bed yet. This is very weird for her. She almost always gets up just before I'm leaving the bedroom. So she stayed in bed an extra half hour at least. ?????

I came to work and sent her a TM because the roads are very icy this morning. This started a long TM conversation about the roads and how she was stuck and not moving on the highway because of the accidents.

She finally made it to work and I sent her an IM saying I was glad she made it safe and now it's back to one word answers. I'm not too concerned about that as I'm sure she's just busy.

I guess we'll see what today brings.

[fightingirish]

you have fbmail

[Puppy Dog Tails]

W got home and I was already fixing dinner. I asked how her day was and she was still pretty short with her answers. So I let it go. About 10 minutes later SHE started talking to me. I just listened and interjected with some probing questions to keep the conversation going.

And it seemed like she warmed some.

So then the rest of the night was pretty decent. Nice conversations.

I'm curious about one thing, H4U: what % of these conversations center around your interests? Does she ever ask you about YOUR day, or initiate conversations about you or your interests?

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Uh...that would be very rarely.

And if I can guess where you're going Pup, it's exactly what I thought about last weekend.

EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HER. Always has been and I just need to figure out if it's ok with me that it probably will be in the future, if we do make it.

Maybe a little reality setting in for me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I know you so well only because you are ME, H4U, and your wife is my wife.

I have the same decisions to make.

[WaitingPatiently]

Hey Hope,

I've been reading up on your posts and I find what's going on to be so incredible. I really do think there must be a connection between work and her mood swings.
Hope, you really remind me of me--I am super sensitive to everything and I can make mountains out of mole hills. The night before my W and I got back together I was convinced that what she wanted to talk about was moving forward with a D, but it turned out that she wanted to get back together with. Try not to read too much into every little thing--you'll never know the truth about every unspoken action, and you will just drive yourself crazy trying to figure things out all the time.

Hope & Puppy,

Do you guys think you can every really trust your Ws again? I'm finding that this is very hard for me now. Any insights on this?

WP

[Hope4us]

Interesting question WP.

I think I could trust her again, if she was behaving in a trust worthy manner.

Will I ever blindly trust her again? NO. And I don't know if that's a bad thing. I think sometimes blindly trusting someone to act the way you expect them to act can lead to taking them for granted. I was so sure that she'd never do something like that, I think it let me not pay enough attetion to the marriage.

In his books, Dr Harley talks about how a spouse should NEVER blindly trust their spouse. And I agree with him. And if I'd have NOT blindly trusted her, maybe we could have nipped this affair in the bud BEFORE it got to the "love" point with her ready to walk away.

Everyone is different in whether they can trust again after something like this. And if you can't, I don't think anyone would blame you.

But don't expect that trust to come back for quite a while. It'll just take time, if it ever comes. It's like I tell my kids all the time. Trust is something that is always being built and can be lost in a second.

Just wish my W would think about that when she gets bunged up when I ask her where she's been or what she's been doing. She see's it as controlling. I see it as she's wrecked any trust I have in her and she needs to EARN that trust back.

Hope this helps.