hi guys i will try and keep this as short as i can but alot needs to be said, im 35 wife 35, 2 kids boy 15 girl 10, the boy is from a previous relationship my wife had before me. dated for 3 years married 10. we had a solid marriage both worked hard i run my own carpentry buisness my wife works with kids who has problems, ie drugs, abuse, etc etc. we were very happy had a lovely home holidays etc etc, we both shared all the chores around the house, my wife mainly worked nights, so i would finish work collect the kids do the housework and cook dinner, then i pick my wife up from work at 21.30 4 nights a week, we were soul mates shared everything, we was best friends, always complimented each other and respected each other, she would say i love my life but most of all i love you and i would echo that, dont get me wrong we had our fights but always sorted them out. we shared nights out, we also had nights out alone, people would comment on our marriage and say its perfect, all the inlaws got on really well too. then 18 months ago her dad died it hit both familes hard, my wife took care of him while he was ill, i run the fort. i was grieving myself but i had to take care of my wife, kids and buisness. so it was difficult for me to, he passed away and my wife was devastated like we all were, i stood tall for her and helped her through, she slipped into depression and was on medication for it, she also became addicted to pain killers, but with the help of us all and the doctors we managed to get her of them, months went by and things improved and we started to live again, but the memories was still there, 3 months ago she decided she hated her job, so we discussed it and agreed if she hated it that much she should quit, so she gave her notice then called me to say she had done it, then the day after she called and said im staying, then the day after she called and said no im quitting so she did, but she had to work 3 months notice, her notice has just expired, but 4 weeks ago everything was normal it was a sunday and we was fine went to bed and held each other she said i love you so much, i woke for work next day and woke the kids made coffee and woke my wife, we said our goodbyes and hugs and kissess and off i went, all through the day we text each other, some of my wifes text was sexual and what she was planning for tonight and i replied the same, we had a wonderful sex life, quality not quantity, maybe once or twice a week. so on the monday eveningi arrived home and started dinner my wife came and we ate and chatted, then from knowhere she said i need some space.... i was dumbfounded, we spoke util the small hours and i got no response only i need space, its not you its me, im sorry and i love you, space, space. she left and went to her mothers, i bombarded her with calls and text, and called by, for 2 days solid. then she sent a nasty text saying its over move on, i was crushed, didnt eat or sleep for a week, it was so sudden, no signs at all, we didnt see each other for 2 weeks, she asked for a ride to work and she was all normall as if nothing as happened, she is talking about this new place she will be renting and stuff, she has said she deeply cares for me, she said she cant wait to get back to normal just her and the kids, she has asked me to do all the work on her house and stuff, and needs all new furniture, she rekindled a friendship with a woman who is 38 and single they party all weekend untill the small hours, her taste in music changed a little and she stater to have botox a few months before she left, its really hard for me at the moment trying to deal with this and to run a house and a buisness and look after the kids on week nights and weekends while she is out partying, she neglects the kids and they are feeling it, this is not the same person anymore, we are friends and we text and talk she has even cooked dinner for me, i never bring up our marriage and i always try and shown im ok with the situation but im hurting so so much, i just dont know were to turn, i feel alone and scared
A big traumatic event tends to make people question their lives. Is this all there is? Is there something better out there? If I am unhappy there must be something or someone to blame. Unfortunately, in this case she is probably putting the blame on you. She probably feels like she needs to find out if there is something out there that makes her happier etc.
It's sad to say, but human nature makes us all do that to some extent. I've been through it. The hardest thing for you to do now, (letting her have that space, no questions asked) is probably the thing that will give you the best chance of regaining what you had. It sounds so crazy. I was there, text bombing, calling, following, all of it. When I finally found the strength to follow Michelle's advice in the book, it all turned around. IT WILL BE HARD. IT WILL BE PAINFUL. It also can work.
Try to find things to do that will occupy your time. Boredom and time alone are KILLERS for you. Read, write down your thoughts, make a list of goals, and most importantly, leave her alone. Take it one day at a time, don't think about forever, just that day. Get through that day, and do the same thing the next, and so on. You don't have to live without your wife forever, just today (string enough today's together and you will start to find the peace that let's you do what is necessary to succeed).
Best to you
I can't be the guy I was. Why would I want to. I don't want to go back to the way things were. That's what got me here.
beno, sorry to see you here. It sure sounds like a MLC to me. Have you asked her to do any MC or IC? You might want to visit the MLC forum and see if there are any threads there that speak to what you are going through.
Peace.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
It sounds like a MLC to me too. Have you thought about getting Divorce Remedy (DR)? It has an awesome chapter about MLC that sounds like it was written about my H, but I'll be willing to bet everyone that reads it and has a spouse that's going through a MLC says that. My best advice for you right now is to not take anything she says too personally. I know that's really hard, I'm still learning how to do it. It's the best thing that you can do right now. She's not thinking clearly because of the trauma that's happened in her life. It sometimes makes people totally rethink their lives. When it's something as traumatic as the death of a parent sometimes they look at their lives and adapt a mentality of needing to live it up while they're still young. It seems as though this is what she's doing. You can't fix this for her. All you can do is take care of yourself and kids.
Your name sounds familiar. Have you been here before?
Anyway, welcome to our community. Many good people here to help you. It is getting my bedtime and will take me a while to get to sleep, so I won't talk tonight. However, I do encourage you to come as often as you can to talk to us. Even go over to other people's threads and talk to them and that way, you will build up a support system.
I know you are in pain and so many share what you are going through. The best thing to do right now......is to give her what she wants.....SPACE....and that means no communication except regarding the children. If you keep pushing.....you will lose her forever.
Be sure you read the DR book. That is a must!
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thank you so so much guys for your response means the world to me, this is my first time on here sandi2, ive joined the gym for some time and i try and do things on a weekend, like i said we do talk now and its never about us always about work and kids and finances, she did bring up us once and when she did she cried her heart out, i just listened. she also told me that she dosent want a divorce, dont know wht the hell is going on, some stuff she said to me during the first 3 days of her walk out was awful, i did bring a few of these things up in coversation and she said i dont remember saying any of those things, so ive just left it at that. the night she told me she dosent want a divorce i asked her does she need a hug as she was so upset she said yes please and was heartbroken holding me tight, she then said i wanted to ask for 1 but i was scared you would regect me, im getting so many mixed signals, do you guys think i should carry the texts and friendly chats? or do i cut her dead? her mother and i are very close and we always contact each other, she also said she thinks this is a mlc, if it is it could last years and i wont be able to last that long. i have asked about MC but she refuses point blank,
need to ask adice on this to, my son well step son lives with me beacuse he said this is is home, now when he was 3 yrs old his dad walked out on him to be with OW, i met my wife and took on dad role it was difficult but we got there, i love him as i would my own, he still had contact with his dad on some weekends, at 12 his dad died in a motorbike accident, then 12 months later he found out his step mum had taken his brother and sister to live in california, we live in england. he found out on facebook, beacuse she posted a video of her getting married over there, then his grandad died and now his mum has left him, we also had some more bad news last night his other grandad his dads dad died of a massive heart attack, im really worried about all this, and what it might do to him in his adult life, ive been called into school beacuse he is disruptive to female tutors, all the male tutors love him but he has a real problem with the females, i know this stems for the 2 most important women in his life have both let him down badly. thanks again guys
beno, Don't dwell on the negatives in your R right now. If this is an MLC, then yes it could take a while to be resolved, but it could also end just as quickly as it started. The important thing is for you to shift the focus from your W to yourself and your family. It sounds like your SS really needs you right now. Focus your attention and energy on you and him.
Loving detachment, that is what it is all about.
As far as your SS is concerned, have you thought about getting him some C? It really sounds like he needs it, especially with all the adverse life events that he is going through right now.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I do encourage you to come as often as you can to talk to us. Even go over to other people's threads and talk to them and that way, you will build up a support system.
I know you are in pain and so many share what you are going through. The best thing to do right now......is to give her what she wants.....SPACE....and that means no communication except regarding the children. If you keep pushing.....you will lose her forever.
Be sure you read the DR book. That is a must!
Take care, Sandi
This is the best advice for you right now. Do it! Especially giving her the space that she asks for, with no communication except regarding the kids. It's hard. You've GOT TO do it. It doesn't feel like it...but it's absolutely necessary. Don't make the same mistakes that many of us here have made. Listen to these more experienced people here, learn, and take their advice. It goes against what you 'feel'...but it's sound advice.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Beno, when did this start, when did your wife tell you she wants space, it's crucial to know if this is recent or if it's been several months, let me know when you get a chance, I've been reading tons of research on this specific topic.
thank you so much guys i will take on board any advice, robx answer to your question, about november or december she did say one night that she thinks we should have a break but she was drinking and the next day said sorry and she didnt mean it, i also remember her saying she needed a break about a year ago not long after her dad died, but she put it all down to her dad passing away, and its not me she needed a break from but the pressure, now the recent one was 4 weeks ago but it was different this time she was very cold in telling me, thanks hope this helps
