I'm going to pick up D1 today. Might go to the park, and out to eat since it is sunny today. I think L is waiting until Monday to file so that I don't have a disrupted weekend. In any event, have my new car seat, diaper bag, everything ready to go.
Wish me luck. I'm sure W will attempt to instigate some more drama, but I'm going to work on avoiding it as much as possible.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Things went fairly smoothly. Pickup was fine, told W that if she came to pick up D1 she needed to be in and out, that she no longer lived there, and she didn't need to go through everything at the house. She said okay. MIL made a smart-ass comment about my camera I had in my hand (assuming about the surveillance I'd been doing of W) but it was coincidence as it had fallen out of the diaper bag and I was just resetting the clock. Funny to see them on edge though.
Had a great day, mall, park, store, etc. and D1 was asleep on my shoulder the entire time we were in Wal-Mart shopping, so I had to have my sons steer the cart.
MIL came with W to pick up D1, but OM wasn't home in any event, so it may have just been a placating gesture for W to show MIL nothing was going on.
Or it could have been MIL insisting to tag along... who knows. But uneventful regardless.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Today marks 7 days since I made a decision to move on. I feel sad... but also determined to make sure that I am looking out for D1's interests.
The weekend was the simple stuff... I took my children to the park. My boys played on some of the park playhouse stuff, and D1 and I strolled around while I held her hand and she was learning to walk. She can't walk by herself yet, but as long as she had her little hand wrapped around my finger she was doing fine.
She picked up a bunch of rocks to sort through as they fell, and ended up grabbing a worm. She just sort of looked at it puzzled. I put her in a swing to see how she'd react, and she was laughing and giggling the entire time I pushed her.
W didn't look at me at all when she picked her up. Didn't speak.
I saw D1 this morning in the nursery, and sort of walked around with her there, and played with some toys on the floor prior to heading to work.
My sleep the past three nights has been troubled. More so than usual anyway. I think there is a part of me that wants to hold onto the love I have/had for W, but as things stand that is not a healthy relationship for anyone.
With the psych eval... I'm hopeful that W gets the help she needs. But ultimately I can't be responsible that she does. I've taken every opportunity to get her help, and she has refused. Her family has refused to acknowledge a problem - even though they should be keenly aware given her past history.
I'm embarking on a lonely path here... I'm about to burn lots of bridges, but I have no choice. I have to do the right thing, and I have to do the hard thing... one and the same.
This will hurt W's feelings short-term, I'm sure I'll get the angry outbursts, etc. But maybe she'll surprise me. I have come not to rely on that.
I just have to do it... W's family puts up a front of strength, but in the end they are a paper tiger hoping to cover up W's problems with bluster and denial. That isn't helping anyone, and I'm not going to let my feelings for them interfere with my responsibility towards my daughter.
I saw this path coming from the beginning... hence the prepare for the worst, hope for the best attitude I've had since it started with the journaling, etc. but I've tried everything I could to avoid it. It seems like events are heading in a direction they were meant to head regardless... and I've described it like a slow-motion train wreck, the train is too big for me to stop, but I can see exactly where things are going and what will happen.
Nobody has been more reluctant to fight than I, yet no one involved is as able.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
You sound like a great father! I loved reading about your day with daughter.
You know I hesitate but I decided I should since not sharing my thoughts would defeat the purpose of DB website. So here you go: it takes two to fight! I still think your sitch needs some time where both parties are chilling for a while in their respective corners. IMHO.
You sound like a great father! I loved reading about your day with daughter.
You know I hesitate but I decided I should since not sharing my thoughts would defeat the purpose of DB website. So here you go: it takes two to fight! I still think your sitch needs some time where both parties are chilling for a while in their respective corners. IMHO.
I see what you are saying, but assuming my W does suffer from the disorder I suspect, it really doesn't matter what I do, good or bad, it will be twisted to whatever purpose she needs it to be. She is regressing mentally, almost as if she is a child trapped in an adult's body. The A and associated 'fog' behavior is to the extreme of what people here normally experience based on my reading.
Look at this list of symptoms (my W meets 7/9)
Originally Posted By: BPD
* Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment * A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation * Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self * Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) * Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior * Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) * Chronic feelings of emptiness * Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) * Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
In effect... I'm going to be dealing with someone who will hate me and my children the closer we get to her - if this is what she has, and she meets enough criteria to be diagnosed. The onset of major symptoms is supposed to occur at 21/22 years of age - which is right where she is. She displayed the initial symptoms from 16/17 like the things I've read suggested she would have.
To be frank... we have virtually no joint assets, our only consideration of value worth litigating is our daughter's custody. Yet my W ran to a lawyer with false allegations, started her smear campaign, and ultimately kicked off a destructive high conflict situation because that is in her nature.
Nothing will be solved, I was the one who approached with open arms, suggested splitting things 50/50 even though she wasn't entitled, and suggested we raise our daughter together as friends. She responded with false allegations, legal filings, lies, lies, lies, and basically had no shame about what she was willing to accuse me of.
When I smacked her attorney down with real evidence is when they shut up all of a sudden. I fully intend to stay on the offensive and aggressively fight her for custody. It may say "Defendant" next to my name, but the best defense is a good offense. Until I start hearing "We want to negotiate" from her, I have no intention of allowing them a breather.
Custody of my daughter at this point is more important than my M. If W gets help, and seems to be improving, and seems to want to reconcile, I will consider it. But thus far I've gotten no indication from her other than she wants to be Queen B***h and control access to my daughter to where my family can't see her (they aren't local).
LRT/GAL are my focus for me. But the D is in full swing, and I have no intention of stopping it until given reason why I should that isn't idealistic wishful thinking on my part. (I've been burned plenty of times already through that.)
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
D1 was doing good this morning... she had loaded up her diaper so I got to change her at the daycare which was nice and fun.
She was feeling sort of lethargic, so didn't seem enthused much. I think the weather getting colder had her feeling tired, she just sort of rested her head on my shoulder and held on for about 15 minutes before I had to leave for work.
W text-messaged me last night to let me know D1 had taken 2 steps. She never initiates text messaging except when I have D1, so that was unexpected. In any event, there is virtually no communication between us outside of D1.
I have prepared my attorneys with plenty at this point, and have de-intensified my "War Mode" and am allowing myself to feel some of the hurt and emotions. It makes it harder to sleep, and I am feeling sad about the loss of my M. That being said - I have been in this position before, and through perspective was able to realize that going back to what was didn't mean going back to happiness, it meant going back to familiarity.
A lot of things would have to change on both sides for the relationship to be a happy one... I'm just not sure there is going to be a possibility without W getting some sort of help through therapy or whatever is required. And she isn't going to get it voluntarily. She might if she recognizes she is jeopardizing custody by not doing so - but somehow I think she'd rather lose custody than admit she has a problem.
Trying to negotiate with her on anything in the D, even if we were arguing over who gets the coffee table, is like trying to nail Jello to the wall. She refuses to compromise on any issue whatsoever. I'm going to have to fight for every inch of ground, and my priority is D1 and custody. It is a possibility that I can gain that without the D being final.
Sad part is... everything is in my name. House, vehicle, all our marital assets for the most part are at my house, all financial accounts, etc. We aren't a community property state, so she has no hope of anything. No hope of alimony. With the A evidence she might also be paying my attorney fees. Yet she is still bumbling along in the fog, and doesn't realize my case is built. I've got the D taken care of, and I've gotten lined up to go for custody.
Happiness is fleeting... I could never have imagined we'd be here a year ago. From a year ago, we had a baby, her father passed away, she had an affair, I took on a new role helping m.i.l., and then she filed for the D, with m.i.l. joining in.
MIL actually defended OM while attacking me the last time we spoke. To put in perspective:
Me 1. Took time off work to meet with estate lawyers 2. Took time off work to meet with life insurance people 3. Took time off work to meet with financial advisers 4. Took time on weekends to handle debt collection calls
OM 1. Having A with W and breaking up that relationship 2. Costing MIL retirement savings to fund lawyer to fight me 3. Doing all this after her husband just died
Yet MIL was still defending W's choice here... so you see the impossible situation that puts me in.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Strength and honor, my good man -- strength and honor.
There is NO comparison between you and OM when it comes to character and integrity, for the reasons you state and more. Your W -- if she gets some help -- may see that someday. It's sad to see her MIL enabling her; out of love, no doubt, but it does nothing to help her daughter.
btw, what state ARE you in, and why couldn't I have been married there??
btw, what state ARE you in, and why couldn't I have been married there??
Puppy
Alabamastan.
And yeah... I come from a good family background and have plenty of support there, but nobody is local. I just hate to see the relationship I cultivated with her family, based on unconditional love and service for them, being trashed and torn asunder by W's behavior and MIL's enabling and backbiting. Both MIL and W have made it a point to run around to all their family members to trash me and build up moral support from everyone... but ultimately that is a popularity contest I have no hope of winning anyway - no matter what W has done.
W's attorney has to have figured out that something smells by now, because I haven't flinched at the threats/inuendo/smoke & mirror abuse claims, and I have started dropping real evidence of W's behavior/mental history/etc. on her attorney bits at a time. I've made it clear I'm taking her to trial, and I think as more pieces fall into place I'm going to be vindicated.
Less than 10% of fathers win custody in my state. I'm in that 10% already, so this is my second time through the gauntlet. I am also exceedingly good at legal things... am used to being in the role of Defendant in custody situations, and I'm already further along faster than I was in my prior situation.
Defendant in name only. I'm tired of dancing to W's tune, so I've started playing my own. Can't spend all your time reacting when someone is making false allegations - you have to start hitting them with the truth.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
She obviously "misunderestimates" you -- at her peril.
You should tell her, if you haven't done so already, that you fully intend to have her boyfriend deposed if she goes thru with this. It's amazing how even the most loyal, supportive ones run like screaming banshees and throw their paramours under the bus when they have a legal oath (and potential perjury charges) hanging over their heads.
