I am a victim. I didn't asked to be cheated on, I am not the perpetrator, so I must be a victim. I don't dwell on that fact, I've actually accepted it, but it is what it is.
I am trying my best to be optimistic and you're right, it is very hard. But I am a survivor and I will endure. I had two chances to be happy? Hmmmm, happy with someone who cheated and lied to me for a year, then to add insult to injury, stole things that belonged to me when we split up the house? Oh yeah, I should be happy with someone like that. Engaged? Good guy, but even though I had my issues, he certainly had his and together we were poisen and in the big picture, it would have been miserable. I tried to be happy with both, forget about what I wanted and tried to make the other person happy. Well the heck with that! I have decided that no man will ever do that to me again, so for now, I put men away and concentrate on getting myself back on my feet. Yeah, I'm bitter. I gave up my youth, my money, my soul and my heart only to be trampled on. Well, no more. I know that I need to work on getting rid of my anger and bitterness and I'm commited to do it, but it will take some time and I'm not going to beat myself up about my feelings anymore. I've accepted the way that I feel because I need to feel. The only thing I'm doing right now is to allow myself to feel it and then put it away until I feel like I need to revisit it. Hopefully those times will become fewer and fewer. I'm counting on it. So it has been said, time heals all, well its been since 2005 for me and frankly, I'm not much better. Yeah, I don't let it consume me, but it's still a big part of my life and it has forever changed me. I am not longer confident, don't have the self-esteem I once had and certainly don't trust a whole lot anymore. It's awful for a person to suck the life out of someone. I'm working on all of this and it will be hard for me, but I will be damned if I let my emotions get the best of me. I'll continue to do what I'm doing until I can truly tell myself "enough is enough" I'm just not there yet.
