Amy, I am still getting through your 1st thread. Similarites that really jump out at me are: 1) the wedding ring - you asked your H to take his off (made me cry....my husband already stopped wearing his around our last anniversary. my h always took his ring off every night before bed, but put it on every a.m. i pathetically asked him on 2/14 (just before our big 2/15 S talk) if he would wear it for V day as a gift to me (what i sap i am). he did but now it sits in his drawer.
2) you mentioned always wanting to go on a cruise - i hope that you have done that by now! like i mentioned, i am still only reading thread 1 so you have probably had many cool adventures since...
my husband is "dead set" against a cruise. he thinks it is all about the eating and drinking...
3) you mentioned horseback riding! my daughter was an avid rider (english). we just recently became "horse free". sold our t-bred and now have much free time on our hands. i hope you were able to re-connect in that world!
4) i wonder if you are still in biz with h? i still am, and we still live together, and in these economic times things are tough! luckily we still have referrals and work.
I was trying to figure out how to reach you on your own thread, but haven't been so successful so hopefully you read this here.
current status: Friday night, 5:00pm pt no sign of H, no call from H, will make own plans!
Friday evening...H ended up calling me around 7pm. I had already left for dinner & a movie (alone!). When he called I casually invited him to join and he agreed. As I was walking into sushi restaurant, ran into friends so had fun catching up with them. H showed up and we had a very nice evening. Male friend mentioned how good I look now (that felt good) sine 25lb weight loss! Got home early and ML (again). I wonder should I have not answered H's call at 7? Wasn't very mysterious of me to answer that call was it?
Saturday...both went to separate gyms, then met up at S18s game. He pitched an awesome game. Great outing! After, H said he was going to work, but then instead decided to join me and other baseball friends for lunch. Later he went to work, gym again and then came home in time to have dinner and play cards with our closest friends. Nice evening all in all. Going through the motions though?
Today...highly unusual...H not super anxious to get out the door at 5am to go to the gym. I would say this morning was almost like the old days. Coffee, paper, acoustic radio, etc...very nice a.m.
Things that seem to be working in my DB efforts: 1) No nagging (where were you?, why so late?) 2) Trying to look nicer at all times 3) Being less predictable...going out alone for coffee, etc.
Still...since he was the one who said he would be moving out at some point, it is hard not to bring that up. I feel like it is the "big elephant in the room". From what I have read in DR, don't bring up the relationship now. But when then?
I know how hard it is not to bring up the R problems. It would KILL ME! But, it only causes more tension, arguments, etc.
As for not being mysterious, I say do what works. The two of you had a good evening. If there is no cheese at the end of the tunnel, don't do it......but it appears you found some cheese that night....LOL. So, maybe he likes being around you in a group of fun people and a fun setting. It sets the pace for him and then the two of you carry that nice feeling with you right into the bedroom.
Part of DBing is experimenting on what works for your stitch and what doesn't. One size doesn't fit all, as you've heard.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, Thanks for checking in! Things are going better......yesterday I even got a "Hi Hun" and "Hi Honey" from H when returning after being out. Haven't heard those words from H since February.
It was such a busy week. We worked together on some job bids (a lot of work) and taxes (ugh). Also had family in from out of town and baseball games to attend. All-in-all...very interactive week. It was good though.
I am continuing to use DB techniques and seem to be making headway. I think me not interrogating H about his whereabouts/his day/etc... has definitely made a difference. Our sex life has been great. Still not a lot of kissing, but hoping that will change. I feel like things are getting back to normal.
H seems to be spending more time at home these days. We even made a plan to see a movie later today. He went to the gym already this morning and I'm headed out for a hike - beautiful day!
Still unsure about OW and what is going on there. I guess time will tell. Trying to be patient.
I hate to say that our teenage children cause conflict in the M but at times they do. We have great kids.....really do. They are both dynamic and feisty. Just had another "mishap" with S18 (nothing serious...really!)
Background on our teenagers: Son: baseball player, artist, B student, etc... Daughter: english hunter/jumper, tennis player, track, B student, etc...
I love them dearly...but they are making me crazy these last couple of days. Maybe because it is spring break! In San Diego! Who knows??
I hate to say that our teenage children cause conflict in the M but at times they do. We have great kids.....really do. They are both dynamic and feisty. Just had another "mishap" with S18 (nothing serious...really!)
Background on our teenagers: Son: baseball player, artist, B student, etc... Daughter: english hunter/jumper, tennis player, track, B student, etc...
I love them dearly...but they are making me crazy these last couple of days. Maybe because it is spring break! In San Diego! Who knows??
Abby, it is so good to hear from you! I was hoping that you were busy with positive things happening. Remember to do what works and stop what doesn't.
Teenagers! Ugh! My heart goes out to you sweetie. I would not want to go through that again for anything....LOL. You are right, they can certainly add to "any" stress that already exist in the home.
I'll talk more later. Got to get in bed.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Thanks for checking in on me...I have been reading through Amy's threads..still getting through those. You offer such wisdom! One of the things I read is that your fibro was so bad one day. I hope most of your days of late are pain free.
My sitch with H and OW and her soon to be "ex" is quite interesting. I guess I knew that my H has been consulting on the house that we were to build for "them" (OW and her soon-to-be-ex-H). They were not even married 2 years! Seriously! He has a son from a previous marriage.
Anyway.........H has been consulting on the construction of that house (that WE were supposed to build but are now not) and is getting a CASH fee for the consultation. He was there tonight he told me. Wonder what OW thinks? Not her house anymore. Oh Bother!!!!!
Enough already. I hope you are well and I thank you MORE THAN YOU KNOW for checking in on me. xoxo Abby.
Good morning sweetie! Just have a few moments before getting ready for work. Thanks for asking about my health. I have since found out that there are some other problems that exists, so it is a daily battle just to get up and get moving. Never have a "pain free" day, but if I can just have the energy to do something, I am glad about that.
Enough about me.......I wanted to say that I have not been in your shoes, but being a woman, I think I can try to identify a little bit with what your feelings must be. If you are trying to "outshine" the OW, that must take on a huge task for you b/c I know if it were me.......I probably would blow it many times due to my impatience and anger. However, if we women can see it as a competitive thing just like it was when we were in school or where ever, and we were trying to catch our guy's attention and be the "total woman" for him, then maybe it would give enough energy and patient to keep trying to be better than the OW. I think if you can do that, you will eventually win.
As I have grown (hopefully), I have learned that instead of trying to be "everything" for our guy, we need to do it for ourselves. B/c if we don't like ourselves very much.......that shows through everything we do. I have been amazed at how it can be so obvious in people. I can almost look at a woman and tell if she likes herself or not. Now there are all types of personalities, as you know, and some can cover up better than others......but the ones that are close to her will see the true person. I think that is why Michelle tells us to do our self improvements for "us" and to make them last for "life" or it just does not work. It may get the spouse back for a short time, but I have read many post from people who confessed that that had made changes just to get their spouse back and then they would stop the changes and the trouble started up again. Seems to happen every time.
I don't know how I got off into all of that......maybe I am just rambling this morning..... I know I do have a competitive spirit in me and I think if my H showed any interest in another female that I would work my rear off to be a better person......no, I would work to be the "best" person I could be. B/c I like being a winner! But, let's boil this down some. What if.....let's just say, "what if", he did not chose you over the OW? How would that leave you, sweetie? Would you still be a woman of confidence and dignity? Would you still show what a great personality you had? Would you put all your God given talents to use? Would you apply yourself to whatever each day held? Would you set personal goals for "you" to improve yourself just a little bit more every week?
I could go on and on with that line of thinking, but you get the idea. I learned that this board is not just about trying to bust divorces, but it is about survival. While reading Amy's thread, you have seen that that is what she is learning to do. That is not to say that it has been easy and right now......she is hurting b/c the D is happening, but she has learned to be a fighter for her self and her kids and what life has for them. She is learning that there is "life" in spite of a D. She is having to learn how to "deal" with the OW and the fact that her children are going to OW's house, etc. So, she has a lot on her plate, but if I did not have a lot of confidence in her, I would not have suggested that you read her thread. I think it encourages women to read her thread simply b/c Amy is a "fighter"........not out of a mean and ugly spirit but b/c she has a sweet and good heart and she is determined to get up off her rear and GAL. That is not easy. It is easier to sit at home (especially with children) and feel sorry for one's self.
So, I guess what I'm saying through all this rambling is that I want you to feel great about yourself, honey. I want you to have the attitude (and feel it from your gut) that any man would be stupid to let you slip through his fingers! Maybe I have said all this to you before, if so I apologize, but perhaps it's worth repeating. When we truly feel that we are the best thing that happen to our H's, it will show......not through being arrogant, but in a positive way.....and it will be in a way that will "sell" us to him. We have to believe in ourselves and be sold on "us" before we can sell ourselves to him. Am I making much sense b/c it is kind of early in the morning.....LOL. Hope this does not sound contradicting in what I just told you about improving ourselves for "us" but yet selling ourselves to our H's. I use the term "selling" by meaning......convincing them. Remember, that there will always be OW out there that would like to have your H. They don't care if he is M or not! So, in all reality, we women should have a more competitive spirit than we do and maybe that would keep us from taking our H's for granted and start slipping in some of the areas that we do. Maybe you did not do that, but I know I did b/c I was so sure that MY H would NEVER stray! Well, he never did......but that is not to say he wouldn't.
So you keep "outshining" that OW and any other woman that makes eyes at your H and if he does not have the good sense to know you are the best thing that ever happened to him.......then that is his loss. I'm serious! That has to be your attitude......in a sweet and confident way.... You can do it by showing him how much fun you can be; and by really "listening" to him when he talks and show him you are interested in what he says by looking him right in the eyes when he is talking; and by putting your best foot forward in the tone of voice you use all the way to how loud you may laugh (just an example). Again, we could go on and on with a list about things, but those are just ideas. But, try to take a good hard look at yourself and try to see "you" through his eyes and add up what the results may be. That is hard to do, isn't it? But it may help to know where to start doing "work".....huh?
Some "man" said that all women have the marriage they want. It sounds like something Dr. Phil would say! (LOL) I like Dr. Phil b/c he tells it like it is, but I am still thinking about that statement! It sure puts the ball in our park, doesn't it? I believe it goes back to that competitive spirit and how hard we want to "work" at having a great R with the man we love.
Hope you will excuse my rambling this morning. Perhaps this was for "Sandi" as much or more than Abby.... I still have to do work, also. I have so much self improvement to do b/c I have slipped a lot and used my health as my "excuse". I have a good H but I know he has to get very weary coming home to "me" every night. Don't become like that, sweetie, and be a woman your H does look forward to coming home to see---and to be with. You go out there and be your own Ms. America!
Make yourself a great day, okay? Good to hear from you. Those baby steps (getting a "hi honey") feels great, doesn't it? Baby steps are like pennies, they may not seem very much but they do add up if you keep collecting them.
Take care and keep the good work up.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know I do have a competitive spirit in me and I think if my H showed any interest in another female that I would work my rear off to be a better person......no, I would work to be the "best" person I could be. B/c I like being a winner! But, let's boil this down some. What if.....let's just say, "what if", he did not chose you over the OW? How would that leave you, sweetie? Would you still be a woman of confidence and dignity? Would you still show what a great personality you had? Would you put all your God given talents to use? Would you apply yourself to whatever each day held? Would you set personal goals for "you" to improve yourself just a little bit more every week? 
You can do it by showing him how much fun you can be; and by really "listening" to him when he talks and show him you are interested in what he says by looking him right in the eyes when he is talking; and by putting your best foot forward in the tone of voice you use all the way to how loud you may laugh (just an example). Again, we could go on and on with a list about things, but those are just ideas. But, try to take a good hard look at yourself and try to see "you" through his eyes and add up what the results may be. That is hard to do, isn't it? But it may help to know where to start doing "work".....huh? 
I still have to do work, also. I have so much self improvement to do b/c I have slipped a lot and used my health as my "excuse". I have a good H but I know he has to get very weary coming home to "me" every night. Don't become like that, sweetie, and be a woman your H does look forward to coming home to see---and to be with. You go out there and be your own Ms. America! 