I thought it was worse. Probably around 70% work, 25 sleep and 5 kids... 10% with the kids sound too much. Well, we'll see. I will do it this week too see what it says...
Michelle, you spend more time at the gym than H spends with me...
naej, I am not giving up hope on love in general. Someday... I've been loved a lot, by H too. So in general, I cant complain. xxx K
Maria, I wasn't suggesting you give up on love. Me neither, whilst I am still breathing I will still be hoping. I know you must have known great and good love in your life -thats why it is so hard to now not feel it from H. What you never had you never miss so they so, so the opposite must be true. Are you giving him the pie chart?
Hey Maria.. and Michelle, I was going to say.. I thikn I read somewhere once that for a healthy balanced life, we should spend a 1/3rd of our time at work, a 1/3rd sleeping and the other third with friends, lovers, family... so reckon you have it about right Michelle! And I also think he sleeps a little too much.
M, definetly show him the chart! Because men are more visual and he will 'get it' more than words (where according to that book he will just hear - blah blah, nag, nag, you're a failure, you've let me down and the kids, again.. etc etc!) And what did you think of the 'adjusted' one, the one how it should be??
The 30 mins.. ha, I knew you wouldnt like that.. but I added on the extra couple of minutes there must surely be in bed each day, 1 minute when he gets in, 1 minute when you get out, during which you must surely speak to him without the kids there (!?? maybe not, lol!) and that added to the 15 mins he saw you at the airport makes 30 !
Ok, I was clutching at straws and the sliver still barely showed up anyway!!
I do believe that a regular "report" of some kind to your husband is a reasonable thing to do at this point in your relationship.
Seems to me that it is a bit too easy for him right now to simply coast along in the same old way. He has no compelling reason to seek a change in his lifestyle. While I applaud your willingness to keep the door open and see where things go, your husbands course of action right now seems to suggest that he's just hoping you'll come to your senses and allow the old status quo to return.
Is there really any reason to NOT keep him apprised of the progress (or lack thereof) between the TWO OF YOU and YOUR relationship? His role cannot be ONLY father if he truly wants a marriage.
In your current state, which to me seems more even and reasoned, I would think you could find a non-confrontational way to simply tell him that another week has gone by where there has been NO time spent together, and therefore NO progress made in repairing your relationship. Pie chart or not, do not let this man continue day after day thinking that eventually you will give in and return to the old relationship.
His behavior towards you and your marriage is truly deplorable.
I give him no leeway for any conceivable reason anyone can think of. He has nearly lost the thing he SAYS he holds dear, yet continues to do NOTHING to show that he is interested in saving it.
Do not settle.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Good Morning, still cold here, I think this is the last winter's visit we'll get. After this week it will be sunny and warm again. And... I am loosing weight, my back feels better so I will probably be able to exercise some... (yeah right!)
I am sad about the earthquake in Italy. More so because we get to see stories about the greek family whose 2 kids were studying there and they found their D but their son is burried in the earth with the entire building they were living in... It's so tragic. Their mom is there waiting to see if the y will get him out while her daughter is in the hospital.
Bill, I sometimes need to fight the urge to say to him, "come home and lets' just live like this until something happens to change the conditions". But I AM wiser than that and I KNOW that if we do make a move like that, I will either die mentally or cheat on him, even if it is emotional cheating, or he will beat me to it...
I will show him the pie, I am thinking of giving it to him this weekend and give him 2 weeks pies. Bill, I dont know what to do to let him know this isnt working. We got to say we are divorcing 3 weeks ago because there is no progress and we both backed off. He knows it, he doesnt deny it, he feels guilty and sees me as irrational about wanting something he cant give... When I just state the facts he gets defensive. How can I approach him? I can see no way to do it.
I am not settling. I have promised to Woog. I keep my promises. K
So, I sent him the file, saying I dont know what else to do. That it's been more than 2 years and my resillience (sp) to loneliness is abandoning me. That I wish he would tell me if he has anything on mind, any ideas how to change the sitch or even if he is happy with it. That I have felt how it is to be desired and appreciated and considered funny and charming and witty and that I like that feeling and I dont want to live without it. That him being a father doesnt mean I am "covered" as a wife, as a woman. That the love that I take but also the love I give isnt making me happy.
Let's see. I bet I get no answer or if I do that he will be mad at me. *shrugs* X
Oh wow! And I was going to say, it sounded funny the way you put it, that you might give him 2 weeks pies! ...I was going to suggest, why not MAKE him a pie for lunch, cheese pie, or his favourite?.. then slice it up.. 55% work.. thats his slice, he gets over half of it and 36%, cover that up for later (sleep) and then the sliver for the kids (10%?) cut it in half, half each.. then your bit to eat would be too thin to slice.. just a little line of.. CRUMBS !!! I bet he would get the message then. So.. if you get no reply, bake him his life !
Anyway... I hope he does reply. Its a big week for breakthoughs, its very all or nothing, from what I am reading. But I like that you asked him if HE is happy with things, as they stand.
H called. We havent talked since he left on Sunday noon. I pick up and he sounds chipper and upbeat and he says "hey you, hi!!" So I reply calmly and he continues :"sorry I didnt call yesterday,(pauses) I was busy at work...".
He hasnt seen the pie yet or my few comments. The GUY tells me he is SORRY he didnt call because he is BUSY at work. A PHONECALL!!!!! 2 minutes phonecall he couldnt make to his wife.!!! How does that sound?
I am not mad or anything. I am wondering what Bworl and the rest of you will say. I hope you understand what I mean when I will admit I was deeply hurt. My H, who is supposed to want to reconcile with me, wasnt trying to make a point by not calling as I thought. He just was...busy. Very, very hurt, indeed. I am flumbergeisted or "somthing- geisted" as T used to say.... Am I the weird one? I am out of ideas and ways to approach this. He sounded "caught" guilty and I am sure when we got off the phone he felt he has done his duty... I am [censored] duty. Nothing else. K
For the record : I didnt whine, nag, acted mad or anything. We proceeded to arrange tomorrow schedule cause he will pick up the kids since my dad goes for some tests. K
