Burt - Agreed, the May deadline is just in my head and is flexible. I will watch for signs of progress. If there is some and seems fragile yet, I will wait longer. If there is nothing and seemingly no hope I plan to just stay until she ends it.
One note... Looking for the small stuff. She had an interview today, which she had asked my help via phone a lot in the last few days. Saturday she even asked if I would help her decide what to wear and I did, happily (and man did she look great).
More small stuff. She just finished the interview and called me to tell me about it no sooner than stepping out the door of the office. I listened to her closely and only said nice encouraging words. She was upbeat and seemed to being doing well. I was the first person she called and I feel good about that.
Baby steps... I will try not to overanalyze, but maybe this is a positive small step.
Burt one more note - it also sounds like your situation is moving nicely and your progress is showing. I wish you all the best and that somewhere there is a positive outcome.
Me - 35 W - 32 (EA with OM) M - 13 1/2 D - 11 S - 9 ILYBNILWY - January 2009 Status - Limbo
My hope for you as well partner. That sounds great, if she gets the job, that maybe the trigger that gets her to ask you to stay with her and the kids. Thoughts have to be kept positive in all of this.
As far as my situation I am very happy with where we are, but I have to keep on striving to be the best person I can be and not become complacent, that is for me, because when I do these things it makes me feel good about me. The positive R that comes from it is just an awesome byproduct, kinda like oxygen from a plant during photosynthesis.
Thank you for dropping by my thread and sharing the words of encouragement. I certainly need every little bit that I can get! Our situations are extremely similar. Things seemed very normal leading up to when she dropped the bomb. We weren't arguing a lot, we were going out with friends and we were spending time together. The last two years our marriage was on more of an autopilot. I was working on my MBA and finished it in October '08. I started jogging with her and ran my first 5K with her in Jan '09. Things seemed to be heading in a good direction.
My MIL has stated that she doesn't understand what is going on and that she had no idea that her daughter was unhappy in the marriage. Her best friends didn't have an idea.
My hard part is to try and let go of these things and just play the hand that has been dealt to me. I truly love her and miss her deeply. I feel very guilty for taking all of our time together for granted, especially while I was working on my MBA.
The one reality that this forum has taught me is what woman would want to come back to an emotional train wreck. I have to get my crap together and be happy with myself. I have never known an adult life without her, but I need to get comfortable with myself now.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Glad you dropped by. Hope all is well. I will watch your progress and consider you a "roommate" of sorts here on the chat room.
We walk with heads up and in the end know that we did all things possible to avoid tragedy. No regrets my friend... no regrets!
You know I have very little regret through this process so far. I realize, looking back, that mistakes were made, but they were made on both sides. Of course I wish I would have known what was coming, but I truly don't feel there many, if any, obvious signs. It was like a light switch went off for her.
If, by chance, my marriage doesn't work, I will leave knowing that I fought tooth and nail to re-build it. If she leaves and doesn't want to work on things, she can lay her head on her pillow with that on her mind. I can't control her actions and I realize that (....but I sure would love too!).
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Helping_Myself, I just quickly read through your thread and wanted to reply to your post on Making_IT's thread here.
Originally Posted By: Helping_Myself
I get your point about MC and needing both to be ready. You say that it changes the sitch and I guess you are right. My question is how do you/we deal with it?
Do we go yelling and screaming and say stop it? Do we wait it out? Do we turn our heads and run the other way?
I agree with you, just don't know how to move forward.
There are two trains of thought here on dealing with affairs. The official DB position is to wait it out, don't bring it up, make yourself the better option. Others, including myself, believe in being proactive by setting personal boundaries and consequences for violating them.
I just posted a recap of my story and thoughts on this topic here.
Hope this helps you choose which direction you want to go.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Pearl - I have read your summary and think you are a very strong person and I admire you greatly for the risk you took, but more so being the person you are and taking care of you and your needs.
Thank you so much for sharing your story as it inspires me to know that "I" am ok.
With that I am still confused (eggshells). I do know the book says to wait it out and be the better person. I have done that and she has noticed, but it is not complete yet. I have 2 small children that I must take care of and that means "me first". Because we all know that if "I" am not ok, then I cannot take care of them.
So, for now I think I wait and "play the game". I am the better person and she may see that. I will give it a month to May 1st and DB like mad and take care of me (GAL). Once I get to May 1... as you say I may decide to "go dark". Maybe then she will realize who I am and that 15 years with a good man is not worth a fairy tale of an EA that will never live forever... someday that will become "ordinary" and she will need to look for something new again.
To you... I thank you and hope to hear more from you and gain insight to either 1) save my precious family/marriage or 2) have the courage to stand up for myself and who I am.
Me - 35 W - 32 (EA with OM) M - 13 1/2 D - 11 S - 9 ILYBNILWY - January 2009 Status - Limbo
OK - detaching... I have changed my name here from some down in the dumps "need help" attitude to who I am and what I love.
1) Please_help 2) Helping_Myself 3)Mountain_Biker (this is my name now and who I will be as I move forward...
As I said before I race Mountain bikes for sport in the summer and am very good. It is my passion. I am very athletic and in tip top shape. So to me I say... GAL... This is my first step in being who I am.
So, to those who have halped me so far... Am I making progress, or what? Small step in DB, but also small steps in detaching..
Again, thanks to all!
Me - 35 W - 32 (EA with OM) M - 13 1/2 D - 11 S - 9 ILYBNILWY - January 2009 Status - Limbo
Also remember 180's do some things completely different. For me, I joined a gym, which I had not picked up a weight since I was in college (something I had to do in college and swore I would never do again). I ran my first 5k about 2 weeks ago, pretty proud of that! lol Anyway, I started cleaning the house going out with friends more, just a bunch of 180's, Oh and looking good, some new clothes (pretty much a slob) quit drinking a bunch of beers at night (1 or 2 now does me fine)
Get out of your comfort zone and do some other things, what would you like to do, that you have never done before?
