Well he was teary during the session but he said nothing about the suggestion. He did tell the counselor, "I don't want to try again and then 3 years from now we are right back where we started." She said, "Oh, so you want to try but you are afraid to try..." That was before she suggested MC...
Before he left for the night I started to ask him about it. I said, "Did you have any thoughts about what the therapist recommended--" then I cut myself off and said, "never mind, if you had thoughts to share with me you would have shared them". And he said, "That's right...."
Then this morning he met us at church. The message was about accepting Jesus now, not waiting for some other day/time. The whole message was about how our lives are so fleeting. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone, ALL WE HAVE IS NOW, this moment...
I was crying at a couple points because although it was about accepting Jesus it is so true in our situation too. What is there to wait for? What is the magical turn of events that makes it 'safe' to come back home? We only have now and we are wasting that time...this situation has been going on for over half of Sydney's life! Dan noticed me wiping my eyes and asked, "Leaking?" in a playful way. He actually looked a little misty-eyed by the end of the sermon, too.
Oh well. I just know I cannot keep on like this much longer at all. We have as much playful banter and inside jokes and stuff now as we had during much of our relationship. We have most of the friend thing back but not the man/wife thing. Sigh...I will probably have to break of the friendly stuff b/c it fills me with expectations. The counselor commented on how well we got along and worked together for the kids, spent time together, etc. Why is he so thick headed.
Bobbi.. I know you were talking to Kalni about that book by Stonsy, how to save your M without talking about it.. but then when I come here, you continue to expect Dan to communicate with you about his feelings and talk and .. I dont know how to explain it to you, but you continue to be expect all the same things that he ISNT going to do and continue to be disappointed with him, thereby maintaining a status quo that he has FAILED you and failed your kids and your M. It was obvious to me reading that, that his reluctance to come to the C appt for Nathan has nothing to do with the fact he doesnt care about you, or nathan.. but its his guilt and shame at failing and being inadequate and fear of having to face that and aquirm, in front of a C, yet again.. so his natural, male reaction, is to go feed the cows till 10pm and avoid his feelings of shame. Yet you interpreted it as a slight on YOU, that he doesnt want to be there for YOU or Nathan and therefore doesnt care and yet again you feel disappointed and abandoned. Which is probably the opposite of what he really feels.
I think you seriously have to rethink your expectations of him. He said himself.. he doesnt want to try and end up here.. because as that book explains, men cannot bear to feel inadequate and like they have failed.. they are programmed to avoid feelings of shame and failure. Can you see that? It isnt that he doesnt love you, he probably loves you tremendously. I know its frustrating, but what you are doing isnt really working, well hasnt so far and the distance and DISconnection between you is growing as you build up walls between you. Have you read that book? Can you see what I am saying?
Shall I stop waffling on now !?? LOL! Thinking of you, Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I go through my own predictable phases of being happy, optimistic, positive, and then when no big changes happen I get more negative/critical/pessimistic.
I am considering just cutting my tongue out to stop myself...
Seriously though I truly do understand that I will never get anywhere talking about it, if we are ever to really talk about things it would have to be his idea and he would have to start it, or it would be more of me pushing. I just need to walk the walk...
Hey BBJ, i am following along as usual. as much as we think we have an effect on the WAS, the ball usually is in their court. We know where we stand (or stood). We want (wanted) them to come back to who they were....the problem is that it usually takes alot of time and sometimes they never do. But it is frustrating to think that they hold the big end of the stick...sometimes when the shift of power begins to be felt, there is a reaction. Sometimes it is too late.
I am just trying to give Ali a run fro her money on the "waffling" meter!!!
So we had a pretty great day today. I would give it an 8 out of 10. Dan got here 50 minutes late, but we allowed ourselves an extra hour to get there so we still made it to k.c. by noon for our tax appointment.
He was on the phone 50% of the drive and checking email at the same time, I was disappointed b/c I wanted more interaction but instead of complaining I validated, told him I could see how much work he had to do for his job and how draining it must be, etc etc. For example we stopped for an 8 minute restroom break and he had 4 missed calls and 15 emails once we got back in the car.
Found out we get a big enough refund from our taxes that my half will pay for our Disney trip!
The ride back was even nicer than the ride up. Much more banter, lots of laughing and sarcasm. Only teared up once, when we drove by our old house. Dan saw me tearing up and squeezed my shoulder and ruffled my hair, said "I miss it too. I miss all of our houses even the crappy Creston one..."
Anyway he got fewer calls on the way back as it stretched into the end of the business day. We also stopped to visit a cattleman we'd never met. Our best cow, Connie, had several embyros 'flushed' last year and this man bought a few. We went to see the three calves that he had that came from our stock. It was fun to go together and see the calves. Even better, the man said he would happily buy 30 or more embyros from Dan next year!
So we spent a little time talking about the cattle business, we drove on back roads through Missouri cattle country, lots of rolling hills. I told Dan how much I loved the terrain and he said it would be cheaper to buy land in NW Missouri than in Iowa. I said go ahead and buy some, I would be happy to build a house there!
We also stopped to eat on the way back and went to a place where we could sit down instead of hitting a drive-through, which was nice.
All in all lots of fun talking and teasing and absolutely no relationship talk.
I go through my own predictable phases of being happy, optimistic, positive, and then when no big changes happen I get more negative/critical/pessimistic.
I do the same (Ali does too by the way ). To be honest if someone asked me what can you say about Bbj, what's your "impression" about the "strategy" she is using I would say: Bbj bites her tongue for a few days/weeks and then bursts by saying "come on Dan, why dont you want me, why dont you want our family, why cant you work with me, N is in trouble, are we a family or not etc etc ..." usually upset or teared up.
What should IMHO Bbj do, is be on her own, detach completely, do anything that has to be done that separates her life from Dans' instead of avoiding it out of fear, take care of herself and her kids and let him watch her and "desire her" as he would a new woman.
For example, IMO, the trip to Disneyland was not a wise move (you said 2 connecting rooms, I got that right?). You try to convince him to change his mind by "creating" memories and do things together as a family. I believe that fills his "tank" as a father and does nothing in relation to you. It will be awkward and no matter what happens, (sex for example), will be an "accident" (you know what I mean by that I hope). Changes that happen like that, change back pretty easily. Did you ask the DB coach about the trip? I am curious...
Anyway, we've known each other for quite some time and you know how I feel about you. IMHO, Dan needs to see a strong, confident, unpredictable, sexy woman that will knock his socks off. No whinning, no teary eyes, no insecurities, no clinginess, no self pity, no worries...
Dont hold on to the hours he spends with the kids as time that will bring you together, going to festivals etc etc. Give him the kids and disappear. Leave him with the kids at home and go to a movie. Go to a spa. Go shopping one day. Dont tell him where you are. If he asks, just say "shopping" and that's all. Come back with no bags, leave in the car. If he asks, tell him you left them in the trank. No lies. Dont offer information, dont look guilty. Be smiling, fun, sexy. Use your female weapons. Let him look. Just look. Make him want you. He loves you as a person, as the mother of his kids, he needs to see you again as a woman. And you need to shake things up a bit by changing your "dance". What are you waiting for? If you continue like this for much longer, the next girl Dan finds attractive could become trouble because she would be new and exciting and you would be his "family" that he spends Sundays with... You are separated you know.
You probably think I woke up at the wrong side of the bed. Well, I didnt. Forgive me if what I said upsets you but I've been thinking about you and it makes me mad that you ar ein this sitch for so long... love K
). To be honest if someone asked me what can you say about Bbj, what's your "impression" about the "strategy" she is using I would say: Bbj bites her tongue for a few days/weeks and then bursts by saying "come on Dan, why dont you want me, why dont you want our family, why cant you work with me, N is in trouble, are we a family or not etc etc ..." usually upset or teared up.