Well, I just got in from the gym after my visit with my wife tonight. As I suspected, she asked if we could "pause" our marriage counselling sessions for a while. She didn't rule it out for the future, but said she doesn't know if she wants to work on things or not. She didn't feel that we would get much out of counselling with her in that mindset.
We talked for a long while about a lot of things. Mostly it was about her negative perception of our marriage the last two years. When I asked her why she never told me that she was unhappy in our marriage, she said that she felt like she told me by hinting at the end of our arguments. Also, she said that she refuses to be in a marriage where you have to threaten to leave. I told her talking about your feelings isn't a threat to leave, but she stood her ground and I didn't challenge her. I explained to her that my mind was focused on what we were arguing about and not associating her comments with our marriage as a whole. Additionally, we very rarely had any arguments at all and when we did it would usually start over some silly thing that I couldn't understand why she would get mad at. I guess looking back, it wasn't that silly thing that she was upset about but there was more to it. As usual, hindsight is 20/20.
I brought up the topic of OM just to feel her out. She still stands firm that there never has been a physical or emotional connection. She did say that she sees qualities in other marriages that she wishes we could have exhibited. I still don't believe that there is OM involved. She is clinging too tightly to me and is holing up in her apartment. I won't let my guard down but I still don't sense that right now. She said that she is scared of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side and that she will see that it isn't. This seems like a positive thought to me.
She did say that she wants to keep communications going (dinner, movie, phone, text, etc...). This is a tough part for me, because I want to stay in the front of her thoughts 24/7 but I also feel that maybe I should practice the detachment that is spoken of here. Is it too soon for me to detach and GAL?
I still feel love there. We hugged and kissed several times. She also has noticed some of the small changes that I have made, but it kind of backfired on me. She found out that I went to an art festival last weekend and said that she would have loved to do things like that with me, but I would have never done that if we were still together. She said that my more social lifestyle changes make her sad because this is what she was wanting two years ago. My rebuttal is, "Why didn't you just come out and tell me?". She usually responds with she doesn't want to be in a relationship where you have to ask/tell the spouse to do things. The other spouse should just know. This type of reasoning is impossible to rationalize with and seems totally out of her character.
I think for now, I am going to try and stay focused on myself and being active with minimal contact with her. These visits really take a lot out of me and set me back. I am still not sure what to think about the marriage counselling. I bet that thought will be swirling through my head now!
Take Care
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
