I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow...!

[1853dave]

Had a great day with D4, and later in the day with D9. Nothing much to report. Little contact with W during this time. I was told (last minute - AGAIN) of another schedue change. D9 has another dance class tonight at 5pm... W offered to take the girls, and I told her that I'd be happy to take them instead, and I did. I don't like the W making these plans which keep happening on my time with them.

Anyway...I brought the kids back home around 7:15 tonight. Told W that we need to discuss a few things, she said "like what?" and I asked her "when will I see the kids next?" We agreed to a potential schedule for this week...she was thinking I could next see them Friday, and I mentioned that I don't like going several days of not seeing them, and she had the gall to say, "Well, I went almost 2 days without seeing them..." to which I replied, "Two days? Maybe now you know a little of how I feel..." (OMG, you gotta be kidding! How many countless days and nights have I gone without my kids?!?) She gave me that look, like I was being "unfair" to her. I know that was probably NOT the right thing to say...considering I get to see MY children on her schedule of only a few times a week. She mentioned something about "I was afraid to say that because I knew you'd bring that up..." I knew it was time to retreat a bit, so I told her that I just feel that I'd like more time with D9, and maybe have a friendlier schedule that we could rearrange. She sounded open to almost anything, but I was not able to come up with a plan in 5 minutes. I told her I needed more time, I need to check with the folks at work, etc... She finally offered to e-mail me the girls' schedule, which would be helpful.

By now I wasn't my usual chipper self. I tried to reel it in, but it was hard. Mondays, when it is time to leave my girls behind, my dog behind, in MY condo, and W and the rest of the family have their own living room, their warm, familiar beds...is a very sad time for me. I have been excised from their lives, from the condo, from my own life, it seems. I just want it back.. I feel like she is punishing me. If the D does go through, she has no idea what her life will be like. She thinks she's keeping the condo (not possible, especially without income other than checks coming from me) - there are outstanding debts, half of the items in the condo were mine before the marriage, the list goes on.

So, I put on my best game face, under those conditions, and hugged and kissed each daughter goodbye, told them to call me sometime. I then called out a "Goodbye" to the W, and then left.

I'm still waiting for this nightmare to end. I am in Limboland, and it is tough for me. There seems to be so little to look forward to. I hope tomorrow takes a turn for the better.

This might have been a bit of a back slide, hopefully nothing too bad. I sensed that she maybe feels a bit of guilt for the current situation, I'm not sure. Especially her look, and her saying how she was afraid to bring up how she was without the kids for two whole days. I was warned not to "guilt her" into anything, so I need to be paying attention to that sort of thing.

On a positive note, she seemed willing to work with me as far as creating a new parenting schedule. I'll need to give that some thought.