I'm feeling so discouraged

[PortlandDad]

Meli,
We are all in the same boat here. You don't need to feel bad about needing advice or a virtual shoulder to cry on. We all need that at some point. When you are hurting and unsure, you need more advice and more help; that's just the nature of things. As you get more confident and have more experience with things that work, you can give back to the next cadre of new folks here. Pay it forward.

OK, let me give you a little help in a few areas. I promise, no 2x4s are warranted here!

First. It is a little easier for folks who don't know you and your history if you stick to posting in a single thread. That way you will have a single, contiguous thread with which to read through when you want to read back on your past advice. It is also is easier for other people to get caught up on your story if they don't have to jump around to a lot of different threads.

As far as what you are doing, from your description it sounds like you are doing everything right. Your H was clearly in the wrong to leave the kids at home alone, and you called him on that, which is a good thing. It is disappointing, sure, but that is his action and not anything that you did. You are doing just fine!

The roller-coaster sucks; no one here finds them as exciting as we did when we were kids, believe me, but you do have a choice. You can get off the roller coaster any time you want. It's not easy, but it is possible. You do that by detaching and worrying about what you can control. Focusing on you is the most important thing you can do.

It is frustrating, I know. We all expected in the beginning that a few days of DBing, and few token 180s, and week or two of acting "as if" and our beloveds would come flocking back to us. Unfortunately, as the days drag into weeks and the weeks into months, we get discouraged. We feel like what we are doing isn't working, because we aren't getting the results that we expect. But the truth is, if we are doing what we purport to be doing, then we are getting the results we are after! We are making ourselves feel better! We are improving our self-image, and our parenting abilities, and our social skills, and whatever it is we are working on.

Along the way, our Sps are watching us, trying to see if the changes that we are making are some subtle trick to try and win them back. They aren't foolish; if the changes aren't for you they will see it. They will get curious at first, then interested. Eventually they will want what they lost back. It is not something that happens quickly! It takes patience, patience, and even more patience! It can take years in some cases.

Take heart. This community is pulling for you! You aren't going through this alone. Keep doing what you are doing because you are doing the right things!