German wife still foggy

[AFWAW]

I suggest the Walk Out Woman. It wasn't very harsh in the approach it used and had some wisdom and perspectives that she could apply to her sitch without feeling like a bad person. Hey, at this point, it can't hurt.

[jaguilar]

PD,

Hope all is well with you. Playing ctach up here.

It sounds as if she is wanting you to side with her. It's hard to do since she left you and the kids, it's like she is trying to pick and choose when she wants to be your wife and she believes you should side wit her at all times.

[PortlandDad]

Thanks folks! Based on your recommendation, I ordered her "Walk Out Woman" and "Getting Back Together" from amazon.de

If my translation skills were accurate, they should be there sometime next week. I've read GBT, and I am hoping that it will 'prime the pump' for a reconcilation, especially if we work through it together (I have my own copy of the book). I've never read WOW, so I'm taking it on faith that it will appeal to her moral senses of correctness. According to her mother she is becoming a more spiritual person and has been going to church for the past month, so a christian-oriented book that is gentle on the blame and gives her some reason to be reasonable sounds good to me.

I'll let you all know how it goes! Thanks for checking in. Hope your week is starting off as sunny as mine is!

[Thinker]

Here is a good one by a local Portland author/counselor:

Walk Out Woman: When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost

It seems like a good, and appropriate book - WAS written for the WAS - but would a WAS read it? Has anyone ever successfully asked a WAS to read any R books at all?

[PortlandDad]

Successfully? I don't know. The only reason I am sending it now is because when we talked about it the other day, I told her that I would not accept just getting a phone call from her one day where she just tells me her flight information. I told her that we would need to work and have a plan to reconcile. She asked me specifically what kinds of things we would need to work on IF we were to get back together and I didn't have anything off the top of my head, but I promised to send her a book.

Of course, that was before her immature blow up about her aunts comment on my social networking site, so maybe she is back in WAW mode and not receptive to anything I send her, but I do know she has a lot of time on her hands, what with her being dropped out of school and not having a job right now, so I can think of worse ways to spend 20 euro.

[jaguilar]

Sounds like she is willing but will feel like you're might say "I told ya so..."

I'm praying for the both of you and the kids.

[smith18]

It seems like a good, and appropriate book - WAS written for the WAS - but would a WAS read it? Has anyone ever successfully asked a WAS to read any R books at all?

I gave my copy of the Walk out Woman to my wife at the wrong time - right when she was at the height of needing to date other men. She probably never read it, but she did comment that she really liked the jeans the woman was wearing on the cover.

[PortlandDad]

Thanks Jag, it is very much appreciated.

KK: Somehow I think your XW and my future XW would get along beautifully... they definitely are on the same wavelength.

[PortlandDad]

Wow.
Not going to get my hopes up, but I think last night was a breakthrough.

Backstory: My S17 has been having some pretty serious depressive issues lately. I took him to C and was told that he has some classic symptoms of ADD as well as depression. A lot of his depression is due to the family sitch: W used to be his best friend, etc.

Well, last night I took my son driving over at the church parking lot (he is still working on his license) and he confided to me that he had been contemplating suicide. He even told my W that he was "going to do something stupid" two days ago. Naturally my first response was for his welfare and I set to talking to him about it, listening, validating, and so on. We talked for a good two hours and I think things are calmed down there. I am going to get him some more C this week.

After he went to bed, I was feeling drained, but strangely angry at the W. Yesterday she had sent me an e-mail and then called me in the morning to send her the affidavit so she could save some money on her insurance, but she said not a word that S17 had told her anything. In my thinking, she was more interested in saving a few bucks than that our son was thinking of killing himself?

What had the makings of a world-class backslide, and ignoring all prudent DB sense, I wrote her a snide e-mail where I told her that I felt she was wrong for not telling me, that she was being selfish for only thinking about herself and her money and that I believed she was an unfit mother. I was going to erase months of careful DBing, here, I was that angry.

No sooner had I sent it, than she called and she was livid. I was ready though. We hammered back and forth for about 30 minutes. She claimed that she didn't know what "do something stupid" meant, and I reiterated my thoughts that she was being selfish, and unfit.

Then, the dynamics of the argument shifted. The heat evaporated and we started a deep R discussion. She was crying almost continually. She admitted that she was scared that everything would go back to how it used to be if she came home. I told her that our old marriage was over and that she could be party to making a new one, if she wanted. She said that she had caused so much damage that how could I or anyone forgive her. I said forgiveness doesn't come easy, but it starts when we show remorse and a desire to make things right.

After more than an hour discussion, she agreed that she would come home. She said that she needed a few weeks to put her affairs in order (interesting choice of words) and that she would talk to me again in a few days to start going over the details.

I know, don't believe anything until she is here and we are piecing, and this completely flies in the face of DB convention of backing off and not pursuing, not talking R, and everything, but it feels genuine.

I guess I should feel good, but atm I just feel completely drained of life and emotion. Not sleeping all night hasn't helped.

[MrBond]

That is a major breakthrough. Congratulations!

Just remember to keep the door open warmly and not to be too judgemental. She needs to feel like its safe to come back home.