HELP! Is ML to try to reconnect a mistake?

[trampledheart]

BND,

I have only one D21 who still lives at home. As a child, when she started school, I started a business and worked around her schedule. I was a very busy shuttling her to all her activities and also volunteering at her school. My business was doing great till I could no longer could concentrate on it when H started affair with a co-worker (this was almost 9 yrs ago) and to close it. Afterwards, I worked part-time here and there, again around my D21's schedule.

Yes, after he left, things changed but not right away. At first, I was doing fine, still with friends and painting. H was not opening up but he would still come over once a week and stay over sometimes, and spent the Xmas 07 with us for 2 weeks. (During those 2 wks, I thought everything was great and back to normal and that he was there for good.) I was still painting in 2/08...

In May 08, becuase my daughter had asked him to, he agreed to come back "to see how it was"...he came back on a Friday, stayed the weekend, and left for Germany for business. When he was packing the day he left for Germany he was on the phone with the OW (who I didn't know was the OW at the time) and I thought their conversation was too friendly, I even thought I heard him say "i love you" but he denied it and said I heard wrong. Then the day he came back, he left immediately without a word. Later told daughter he tried but couldn't stay so he got his things and left. I think that's about the time he moved in with OW but I didn't know where he was. In Dec 08, I found out he moved with OW to get an apt right on the beach with OW. Xmas 08, he was with OW and my D21 and I didn't have Xmas, for the first time. As a gift, he gave D21 a bottle of tequila and candies.

And here I am, yes I've been depressed. I've been reading on this board that meds had helped some, so I was actually thinking I should go get some.

The reason I got into painting is because in 2004 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Instead of doing the usual treatment for my type of cancer, we (my husband and I) chose to only have the surgery and live stress-free. The UCLA doctors agreed and I went on my way. Had I known that he was going to do make my life even more stressful, I would have done the normally reccomended treatment of surgery, radiation, chemo and tamoxifin.

[brandnewday]

I appreciate you sharing all of the things you have gone through.

But again I will ask you the same question....

What have you done to make yourself happier and make those changes?

What were some of the things your Husband complained about during the Marriage?

What did he want changed?

[trampledheart]

kjensen,

Thanks for the link, will check it out...

[trampledheart]

BND,

I haven't felt like doing anything to make myself happy, just trying to get things in order... I got an attorney and have petitioned for legal sep (H didn't want to do mediation). I'm supposed to be finish filing out docs (income&expense etc) for Atty to get spousal support but haven't finished yet, spoke to a financial planner (free consult) on Tues who said I should try to talk to husband first and maybe we can save legal fees.

H didn't complain during marriage, we just didn't have a connection since he traveled so much. I started to suspect there was a relationship with his female boss after he got a text message from her that he was concealed and refused to tell me about(later I found out from her that it was about going skiing that weekend). After he left, and I kept asking him what's going on, and he said that he doesn't want to tell me anything about his friends/coworkers, that my calling his female boss to find out what the text message was about was crazy and threatening our livelihood. He never admitted to her being the OW but when he left, I think he stayed with at her place initially and before she sent back to Germany, she gave him her 2 yr old car. So I think she was an OW at the time. (Now he has a new OW).

I did notice one thing that was bothering me for about a year and a half before he left, he started taking Viagra, kept trying to have a sex in a certain position that I didn't want/like...

[brandnewday]

Your focus is the OW.

Your focus is your Husband.

Nothing about you?

To thine own self be true.....

It's a great place to start this journey.

(((hugs)))

[trampledheart]

BND, maybe if you ask me specific questions I can better focus on things about me?

[trampledheart]

H just stopped by now for a few minutes to fix the sprinklers. He said he was sick and couldn't stay...

I told him I wanted us to sit down and talk about the support (per my financial planner's idea). He said bills are getting paid. And I said but not all of them... He said well he can't pay for everything now that he has two households. I asked if he was still paying half of bills for his place as he told me 2 months ago, or if he was paying all (now that OW's not working). And he said it's not any of my business.

He said we can talk maybe tomorrow and left.

[MrBond]

"I've gone out on occasion with friends and family, but not much. I haven't been to mall shopping or bought anything for myself in so long!"

You start by reversing this. Go out with your friends and family again. Treat yourself. Take care of yourself.

All the stuff you said you used to do...painting, etc. Do them again. Build yourself up and the rest will follow. Show your H you can support yourself. don't sell yourself short. Read books, take classes, go to the gym. Anything that will help to build your shattered self-esteem.

From a guy's POV, your H is an @$$. Show him you deserve better by treating yourself better.

[kjensen]

I agree with Stuck. Your H has been having multiple A over the years! One with a coworker of yours? Time to detach and put all that effort and love on yourself!

[trampledheart]

Stuck808, I guess I should make some goals...

EVERDAY:

Walk my dog at the park (I used to do that every morning at 8AM for an hour)

Spend an hour to send out resumes for part-time job.


TOMORROW:

Go out and buy myself something nice to wear! Lost weight and don't fit into my size 5 jeans anymore!

Make doctor's appointment
(for a physical and maybe see if I can get meds? Any reccomendations? I've always shied away from drugs...don't want anything that I can get hooked on.)

Work on docs for Atty
(income/expense, OSC for spousal support, etc).

If I get a chance to talk to H tmw, see if he would want to work this all out out-of-court (Sep agreement) and if he still doesn't want to, then I will let him know I'm going to file and serve.

THIS WEEK:

Call friends to go out Fri/Sat night, maybe for dinner or to go out to see a band or maybe even dancing? I used to love dancing!

Look into some exercise program - I used do Yoga and Belly Dancing locally. Maybe I should look into weight training.

Get my paints and canvas out and go visit an artist friend to get motivated.


THINGS NOT TO DO:

Don't talk about my H problems with friends!

How's that for a start?