I Never Imagined Being Here

[Making_IT]

Thanks for your comments on my thread. Of course I'm new here too, but I read your thread and I'd encourage you to read the Divorce Remedy too. I found it to be a better fit for applying the 180, "as if", etc. concepts and I think you might find it useful.

My two cents would be to really, really give her some space now that she's moved into the apt. Occasionally, call or text, etc. and start a journal or post it here so you can record what you tried, and how it worked.

I echo your concerns over closing accounts/taking spouse's name off the cards and how spouse will 'feel' about that. I think the conventional wisdom here would be not to worry about with your W thinks about that right now - just take of yourself and make good choices for you. Let her see that you're strong, you're taking care of yourself, and you'll be fine without her. Working on GAL, like your long workouts, and being with friends. I'm feeling much better than I did two weeks ago by working on GAL for what it's worth.

I can't wait for the book to arrive, it shows that it is in transit. I have been trying to apply many of the concepts that I have read on this forum such as detaching and trying to GAL.

I can't lie, it has been hard because I have never known an adult life without her. It does seem that each day things are a little easier when we haven't had contact. Every time we try to talk about the situation, she will start getting angry and blaming me for her actions. It is almost like it resets my odometer when she does that. I feel even more hopeless and confused.

[Making_IT]

Maybe it was a moment of weakness on my part, but I sent her an email to explain the credit card situation. I also included small talk and chit chat. I figured that an email would be better than calling her right now since we haven't spoke since Friday.

We'll see what comes of it.

[dburt]

You've informaed her of the credit cards that is fine, but I would not start a whole email thing with her. Just wanted to let you know about the card situation is purposeful, so she does not get embarrased buying something.

Start to go out for yoursefl, join a gym, now is the time to gal!

If you start to have some fun, she will want some of that for herself.

Burt

[pearlharbr]

I agree with Burt's suggestions. Keep any communication you initiate to strictly business. If she contacts you then you can chit chat, keep it light, and end the contact first.

Think about her as a neighbor whose name you know but do not socialize with. Be polite and nice when speaking but nothing really personal.

What are your GAL activities? What are you going to do for YOU today?

[Making_IT]

What are your GAL activities? What are you going to do for YOU today?

Thanks for the advice, I will certainly put it to use. I don't want to push her further away.

I am on a heavy workout regimen right now. I have a couple of friends and we are in the gym every night for 2 1/2 - 3hrs. On the weekends I am trying to hang out with friends or go to the lake. Both activities have been very therapeutic for me. The gym wears me out physically and mentally. The lake gives me some time away from the hussle and bustle of the city. I am just trying to focus on keeping my mind occupied for the moment.

[Mountain_Biker]

Hey - Just wanted to drop a line to you and say I know what you are going through. We are in very similar situations and both new to this.

I don't have any advice as I am pulling in as much as I can from folks here, but I can tell you to keep fighting. There is certainly a lot to keep fighting for, we both know that. Stay strong and keep going... Best of luck. I will stay with your story and add if I can.

I might suggest that you not consider the affair as a possibility right now. You have reason to believe there is not, so stay with that. I might be inclined to say you work on other issues first. Once you are in a better position you can deal with it. Decide now if you could accept it and keep moving forward.

[Making_IT]

Just a quick update and a chance for me to burn some anxiety.

WAW just called and we had small talk about the past weekend, jobs, friends, etc... In my prior email to her I mentioned that I can get her copies of the credit cards when we meet for marriage counselling on Wednesday night. On the call, she asked if she could just shred them and I replied that is fine. Before hanging up she stated that she wanted to talk again this afternoon before I go work out. Putting two and two together, my gut tells me that she wants to shred the cards instead of giving them to me on Wednesday so that she can quit the counselling sessions.

She has told me time and again that she doesn't know if she wants to try and work things out between us. This is a major pill to swallow especially considering the fact that divorce or separation has never came up in prior discussions.

How can she go from a 15 year relationship to demanding a separation almost overnight without discussing it with a single person? How can she not even want to try and resolve the issues and repair the relationship? These are the hardest points to comprehend.

[Making_IT]

And the anxiety builds.....

She called me again and asked if we could meet in person tonight and I agreed. She is coming to the house at 7:30 to "talk". I am really worried that this isn't going to be a positive discussion. I am hoping and praying that this won't be the talk where she says it is over. My mind is racing and the anxiety is off the charts. I will see how it goes....

[pearlharbr]

First of all, take a deep breath. You will get through this. It's scary and hard and you may not be able to see it right now (I couldn't when I was at that point) but you WILL get through it.

I disagree with Helping_Myself: if your gut tells you that there may be an OM, then trust it. Do not go on what your W tells you, as Puppy said all cheaters lie. I never thought in a million years that my xBF would cheat on me but my gut said OW when the bomb was dropped. He lied about it and did the whole, how could you even think that? thing. Lo and behold I was right. It does matter because it changes how you handle the situation.

If she is having an EA/PA then MC will not do you any good right now. Both people need to want to be there and be willing to tell the truth. So don't freak out if she doesn't want to go anymore. I recommend continuing with IC because it will help you to have a safe place to talk and help you reach your goals of becoming a better person.

Since you took her off the accounts, why do you need the cards back?

To prepare for the talk, try to get yourself to a calm mental place. Remember to listen and validate. Do not act out of emotion. Remain calm and if it gets to be too much then leave the room. You can let it all out as soon as she is gone, just keep it together in front of her.

You will NOT get the answers you're looking for. I know it's frustrating but the sooner you wrap your head around this the better. If she is having an affair, the accompanying fog explains a lot of the instant decision making without looking back. If she is having a MLC then that is coloring her perception of things. This is why I think it's important to try to figure out what's really going on so you know what strategies to employ.

Let us know how it goes.

[Making_IT]

Since you took her off the accounts, why do you need the cards back?

The credit card companies let me keep the same account number. Her card is still functional, however she is no longer an authorized user on the account. I didn't want to change numbers because of the auto-debits that I have coming out of the account and I don't believe that she will try and screw me at this stage.

Thank you very much for the advice. I am feeling highs and lows like I have never felt before.... Well, maybe not the highs! This stuff is driving me crazy. I have always been a very focused person and this situation has turned my mind to a whirlwind of thoughts and confusion. I can't wait to have some clarity again in my life again. I will post up how things go.

Thanks!