The extended business trip seems to be the killer. I also found out shortly after I had a month where I was gone 3 weeks out of 4 - and when I looked back, I found that every time I went away, there was a flurry of IM's
And facebook is a killer - allows the fantasy to build and grow from a distance.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Right on. Same thing for me 3 weeks out of 4 in Jan and first week of Feb this year. Sorry to hear about your MIL. My wife is facing a death in the family as well. Has your W filed? If so, how did you handle it. I am thinking stall, but not sure how...
My W has not filed or taken any overt steps yet. In fact, sometimes she seems to be DBing me - withdraw, detach, say nothing, be friendly but mysterious, no R talks, no ILY, etc.
It's driving me crazy because I have no idea what is going on (from her point of view) and I am getting impatient and antsy - feel like there is a bomb ticking somewhere that could go off at any time (when in fact, there may not even be one - or then again, there may...)
...have to calm down and detach more before I do something stupid and push her to do something that maybe neither of us really wants.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
So we have been planning a trip to our cottage in Michigan over the kids spring break. My wife told me that she is not comfortable going, so she wants to split up the week and have her go the first weekend and then bring the kids back and have me go back or do something else the second half of the week. I am not sure how we are going to do this with the kids. It has only been a month and a half since the discussion first began and we don't want to the kids to the changes yet. I offered to come up and work on the house, it is a rehab project we are about half way done with. And get a hotel nearby so the kids and my wife can hang out there in the evening while I do the work. She doesn't want to do that. So I guess we are spending time alone with the kids. I am not sure what to do. I offered to have her mother come up too and I can do my work and keep a low profile, the kids are used to seeing me work on the house. Any thoughts?
I can only think "Back off and give her the space she is asking for".
If you force yourself up there, then she is going to resent it the whole time.
if you are up there and not acting like you would normally, then the kids are going to be upset.
Unless your W is desperate to have you working on the house, then it is not a chance for you to shine. In fact, working the whole time and then leaving to go to a hotel to hand out alone seems like a way for her (and your kids) to see you as a doormat -- sorry for the 2x4.
Is there some way you can take the week off and go do something fun for yourself?
Just my opinion, not knowing that much about the details of your sitch.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Awesome feedback. I need the 2x4 sometimes. We talked a lot today, and I have a new wrinkle. As far as the cottage goes, I am going to go up to open it ahead of her trip, she will go with the kids, and then I will stay back to work. The second half of the week, I will do something fun with the kids. I think it will be fine and do not want to give off any "needy" vibes.
Our new wrinkle: We talked last night about how we could try to keep things OK for the kids as we go thru our D. She wants to try to agree on as much as possible first. She told me today that she did file last week (6 weeks after bomb, is she quick or what!!). I told her that I met with a financial planner who specializes in divorce and we ran the numbers several different ways, and it is not looking good (all true). She says that she doesn't want to drag this out and that she thinks I am going to nit pick every detail to delay (partially true). I told her that I wanted to be as fair as possible, but due to finances, it is going to take a while. Also, since you filed, we now have to have the attorneys involved in our negotiations, something I tolds her we could avoid if she only gives us a few months to stabalize before filing. That was my way of letting her know that we were in for a long haul that could have been avoided. She says she needs out today and can't live in limbo anymore. We got to a place where we were being good to each other and we had a few discussions that were heart felt. I do want to drag out any split, true DBing, but don't want her to see me as the obstacle, more just the finances (patially true). She started making concessions to me I think in an effort to speed up our "agreeing". She took the kids for dinner, which was nice and they will have fun. I didn't even offer to go (distance and space). So she called me a short time ago and asked if she could go in to work tonight, she had taken it off, and that she just needed to get away for a while. I had suggested earlier that she get together with her girlfriend, since she wouldn't normally be home, and she said no. I told her it would be fine, I would handle the kids, and that it would be a good break for her. She seemed happy and said thanks. She rarely rings my phone these days, so it was nice she called.
So the question: How to drag my feet without appearing to be the problem How to delay as much as possible My sick feeling in my stomach that she may try to see her OM Wanting to be a good dad, but knowing in my heart that not even going to counceling, and trying to end it asap can't be in the kids best interest Knowing that I have such a handle on why she had discontent and that we could fix the 5 things on her list of why we are where we are in about a week And anything else I can think of to torture myself!
If she is this hell-bent on getting out, you may be able to work that to your advantage in your negotiations, and get a "sweetheart" deal. Not that I'm advocating divorce, but I'm just sayin' . . .
It looks like I could, but I am going to try to hold that in my hip pocket. I think it will drive her crazy to drag it out. The longer it goes, the more likely she will reevaluate...she did only come up with this idea 7 weeks ago, so I think time is her enemy and my ally...
Some new stuff to report. My wife did take the kids to MI for the long weekend, with the plan to return on Tuesday. They have not called once, which is odd, since the kids always want to talk to me before bed if we aren't together. So I know she is going dark to send a message. I have not called or anything to give space. I found out yesterday that her grandfather, who has been at deaths door for several days passed Monday morning. She did not call, but I do know her mother spoke to her so she knows. She had wanted to spend as much time with the family as possible and did spend Thurs and Fri at the hospital. The arrangements are for Tues and Wed so I don't know if they will come back tonight (my guess) or tomorrow morning. We will have to be interacting with a lot of extended family over the next 48 hours so that will be tough. As if on cue, I said last week that my wife was still wearing her rings, the day after I said it, they disappeared, last Tuesday...If I wear mine, does that indicate in her mind that I am in denial (something she has said, although we have never spoken of the ring thing), or does it send a message that I am still faithful. If I take it off, she will think I am buying into the "program", but it may make it more "over" in her eyes. I know that I am overthinking things, but it is a real decision I face. I guess the bigger question is in DBing by "moving on" does this cement her resolve or shock her into the reality of the situation?
My posts have been quite for a while and while I know there are many people to help, I have been pretty lonely the last few days. If anyone wants to respond, the feedback is always welcome...nobody is ever intruding with their responses.
The wearing of the wedding rings is an intensely personal decision, and I've seen just about every rationale from each side of Sunday for both wearing them, and NOT wearing them. I think if YOU want to wear it, as a sign of YOUR continued faithfulness and fidelity, then you should do so. If she says that means you're in "denial," then that's HER problem, not yours.
- withdraw, detach, say nothing, be friendly but mysterious, no R talks, no ILY, etc.