Be clear. The decision to leave is hers. The hurt she feels which brings your marriage to this point is owned by both of you. The OM - she owns that completely. These are the real property settlements.
Very good. Very good indeed.
Well, off to work. See you good people on the flip-side.
No SM - You sit listening to W when she is talking and then at some point in the soloquily ( spelt wrong ) put your hand up and say " let me stop you right there " she will stop speaking . You will look pensive and then turn back to what you were doing before rudely being interrupted. Bet it shuts her up
That's very good. Clever. W would immediately parry and riposte, however, with "this decision is because of you," which would have me on the validate-defensive, no?
"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute." Try saying nothing. Let her thoughts fill the space you leave. You've got this volley going back and forth between two very bright people with an incredible arsenal of comebacks - what if you just did NOT HIT THE BALL BACK INTO HER COURT? What if you just let it bounce on your side and not play? That would be a 180, no?
I'd like to do that right now. I'm sitting in a continuing professional education lecture like an undergrad, fiddling on the internet while the lecturer leeeeeeeeecccccccccccttttttttttuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeessssss.
Wow, sorry I was late getting back. After CPE I had a spur-of-the-moment GAL opportunity. Exhausting.
I'm getting really uptight about Thursday's outing. I'm almost at the point of packing some index cards with "conversation starters" on them.
The plan is as follows: Morning visit to the gallery, a couple hours wandering great works of art, with a particular emphasis on the schools and eras W likes. Then "Hungry?" and we go to lunch, but lunch is a gourmet picnic lunch by the water -- seared ahi, peppered beef tenderloin, cold vegetables, cheese, crunchy French bread, a couple half-bottles of Cabernet and Merlot. Chit-chat, enjoy the food, enjoy the view. Then back to reality -- school lets out and pick it up from there.
Needs -- I need a new sports jacket. The navy windowpane isn't cooperating with the silk trousers. I need new smell-sweet-sh*t. The French stuff -- bah, the French! -- matures on me, literally. I smell like an old man by the end of the day even to myself. It's not Old Spice, but you could be forgiven if it reminded you of it after 6-8 hours.
So I need some sartorial suggestions, some olfactory suggestions, some conversation suggestions, and MY GOD! some how-to-handle-this suggestions. I've already got the runs...
You are going too far. You have expectations, goals, fantasies. You will be disappointed. I'm getting uncomfortable just reading about it.
I know that the "be yourself" advice doesn't work, because we all know, she doesn't like you. But surely she will like you-pretending-to-be-someone-else even less. So what to do? OK, I think we have to accept that you will be yourself. There's no way out of it; that's who you are. And she used to like you, so it could be worse. You should be yourself, in a kind and thoughtful way. I know you can do that. And that's it. Nothing more. Don't go out on a limb trying too hard. You can't fool her. She knows you. This isn't a first date.
I think you should wear the jammies and be comfortable. And I like Acqua di Gio cologne.
B ut, I agree w/Sara. You appear to be caring, a great dad, sensitive to details most guys would snicker at (but women love), have a terrific sense of hunor, and are intelligent! Just be you! You're a great catch!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
@Sara, mind & polly -- as usual, good thoughts. Some preliminary responses:
In re: my expectations -- I actually don't have any. My assistant got very excited for some reason and I told her, this could go three ways: a baby step in A positive direction (though that, too, has multiple variations, incl Fantasy Great Divorced People); status-quo; or unmitigated disaster. After 2 decades in the Army, I plan for #3 and hope for #2.
In re: my fantasies -- the only fantasy I have is that it will be a nice day. I don't expect the music to come up and the daisies to bloom and W to fall into my arms. I'd be supremely happy if at some point she simply took my arm in the gallery. The last 72 hours have been very tense in the house, and now W and I seem to have fallen into a kind of "who can cold-shoulder the other the longest?" contest where neither one of us is willing to say the first word. So if I'm fantasizing it's that the outing will help break that ice.
In re: silence. W actually suggested (via e-mail, 'natch) that we "talk about it" on Thursday, to which my response (virtual, like hers) was "I was hoping we might not talk about it at all and just be regular people for a day."
On to the important issues. Love, relationships -- bah. Let's talk style. Ed Hardy -- I can't carry it off. I think it's cool as all hell, but whenever I try it on I'm always in full-bore costume mode.
Armani Denim? I'll have to check it out. Denim and silk? Really?
Acqua di Gio? Who carries it?
I may wander around to L'Occitane later and have a sniff, but they tend to be pretty fruity (in the literal sense) and sharp on the nose I have observed. I need more herbal-woodsy.
