Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[kjensen]

HaHa!! No I think I would want to give a little more notice so I could come back earlier if possible...As adventurous as I'd like to be -the thought of Mother's Day in San Diego(never been there) by myself seems kind of sad and overwhelming.

I think him not telling his family is a good sign too. His parents are very judgmental, especially his Dad. He says he fears his day would yell at him and say "Get your house in order"...

So conversation this afternoon was OK. H brought up lots of different things-my actions/statements feel dichotomous and he can't resolve them. This feeling of his has merit because as I have been struggling with this situation, I have been waffling. When I feel angry or hurt(which I have expressed to H very infrequently) I have tended to lash out a bit those few times. Those episodes stick in his mind as me being mean. It makes him wonder if thats the true 'me'(after knowing me 20 years I would think he would know its not... but its his filter right now). So all newbies learn from my error and try not to waffle or lash out!

My H thinks he will be alone within a few months, without me or OW and he is trying to accept that(this he has stated is his worst fear-which makes me wonder if he isn't almost pursuing this scenario in some unconscious way)...

H thinks we've lived our whole marriage walking on eggshells around each other and that's what we'll always do.

H thinks that he has alot of anger and there are other parts of him I don't want to know, so he can never be himself around me.
I shared that I have seen and can handle the anger, I'm not sure what the other parts he's talking about are..

He was exrememly physically uncomfortable and agitated our whole lunch even though I was very calm and did active listening and validation.I don't think I brought up things unless h did first..

This conversation made me realize quite effectively what others have said about "alien abduction" in the sense that their spouses are dramatically different from their "norm". Also brings to mind that even though my H is clinically depressed, this MLC stuff really feels like an illness, something these spouses can't really help, in way, not to take away their responsibility..

H indicated that it would be nice to feel comfortable in the house, to not expect arguments/fights(again his perception is totally the opposite of mine-we have many calm discussions but H sees them as all fights), would like to believe I can forgive him and move passed the last 4 months, but doesn't believe I can.

So any thought on how, or even if, one can convey their decision to forgive-and be believed (besides the obvious-consistent behavior)? Do you think he or other MLCers perceive being forgiven as not bringing up the past and ignoring it(b/c I don't see how you can forgive without at least some discussion and creation of a joint reality of the past events.-this is the idea in book: After the Afffair...)?

Just wondering how successful LBS showed forgiveness, how their MLC spouses knew they were forgiven...
This may be premature for my situation as H still sees OW, as far as I know...