Been married 3 1/2 years and have a 3 yr old D. The first couple of years of marriage were good but then W started culinary school and with her schedule and mine plus our daughter we never had any us time. Wife graduated in Dec. and the bomb dropped in Jan. I got the whole ILYBNILWY speach. Went to a couple of MC sessions but she just closed down every time and finally said that yes, if she were willing to try things could be different but it was going to be too hard and she didn't want to do it. I have continued going to counseling with the same counselor and she has been going to her own counselor. I read DR on the advice of my counselor and started GAL, DBing, stopped pursuing, taking care of myself. She started a relationship with OM in Feb. (I'm sure it was an EA earlier) with a chef from the restaurant she externed at the last 3 months of school. Of course she says the typical stuff...I love him, he gets me, etc.. Thing is, she will come back and complain to me about how she isn't getting anything out of the relationship with him and stuff. I've been trying to be a friend and be there for her but now I'm starting to feel like she is cake eating. She is with him for all the physical stuff but comes to me for the emotional stuff. One other thing is that we are still physically living in the same house but half of the week she stays at "friends" houses and the other half I do. She is planning on getting her own place around the 1st of May.
My thoughts right now is that by being there when she needs me or is bored i'm enabling this relationship of hers while I sit in endless limbo. I'm thinking of going dim. Only be there for talk about our D3. Would this be a good thing to do?
Also, she used to bring up divorce talk a lot but now not so much. Although she has said that as far as she is concerned we aren't married anymore. A lot of other stuff seems to be typical for WAW. I can't ask anything about where she's been or what she is doing but she has to know what I'm up to all the time. I get questioned if I'm seeing someone a lot. Etc....
So, any advice for this sitch would be greatly appreciated.
One other thing that is confusing. She can talk about moving on and a future without me but if I mention anything about a future without her she goes nuts. This I don't really get. Oh, and the OM...he is currently going through a divorce with his wife also.
I'm sorry you're here. You will, however, get some great (if sometimes conflicting) advice and support on here though.
I think you'll find that your wife had this OM pre-bomb, and that her feelings for him precipitated her "ILBNILWY" feelings and speech. It's fairly typical, and it's her feelings for him that are blocking her desire to want to try and work on your marriage with you.
I agree with you that your wife is cake-eating. At a MINIMUM you need to establish a boundary that you don't want to hear about her boyfriend -- it's disrespectful. You are NOT her gay boyfriend (not that there's anything wrong with that! ) -- you are her HUSBAND, and it's incredibly disrespectful for her to talk to you about him.
My other advice would be to be civil, courteous, friend-LY, but stop trying to be her best friend. Because she definitely is getting some of her physical and emotional needs met by OM, and then her financial and other emotional needs met by YOU. Which is probably why she doesn't bring up the divorce talk anymore; she has it too good -- why should she?
Good advice and goes along with what i've been thinking. I definitely think she is cake eating and I'm going to talk to my counselor about that this week and my plans to end that. As for the question of the OM, yes he is currently married but he is divorcing his wife of like 12 yrs. He also has two kids which he conveniently gets W to babysit when he needs to do things. Oh, I'm sure that there was at least an EA with OM before the bomb dropped. I'm sure that is part of the not wanting to try to work on our marriage part. Right now she has it good. She can bounce back and forth as she sees fit but that is going to change very shortly. We can be friends but you're right, I'm not her gay guy friend to talk about crap with the BF with. And I'm definitely not the guy to finance that relationship.
Thanks for validating what I've been thinking. So good to know that I'm not completely off base here. Just need to figure out how to define these boundaries without coming off like an ultimatum as that is really not what I'm going for here.
Honestly, because right now we are pretty civil and the last time the big D talk came up it was agreeable to me what she wanted and a 50/50 split with D3 (actually I would get one more day a week than her). With the way she reacts to things right now I fear that she would fly off the deep and and try to pull the full custody/kill me in support move. Thoughts?
p.s. - PorlandDad...I'm in Portland OR too. How are you liking this weather?
If you are happy with the situation the way it is currently working, then it is ok not to want to rock the boat. Be careful, though. I have discovered, at least in my sitch, that appeasement doesn't work long-term. The longer that my W walked all over me, the more she felt that she could get away with.
I ended up giving her a very large sum of money that she used to fund her WA life. When I finally wised up and cut her off, she screamed, pitched a fit, demanded that we get a divorce, etc. etc. but it was the right thing to do. Every time I drew a line and said "This far and no further", she complained and moaned about it, but she respected it.
We are still separated, but she is now living in her world that has boundaries and limits and she knows that I am not a doormat for her to wipe her feet on.
PS. I absolutely love the weather lately! Nicest weekend this year by far. I hope it lasts!
Last edited by PortlandDad; 04/06/0907:45 PM.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I agree with you there. I am not going to be her doormat and I am going to set boundaries around the OM, money, etc.... I just want to set them as "this is where I'm at with this and you need to respect that" and not "I'm going to do this and you better not cross them or else....". I'm just trying to figure out the wording so I come off as just setting up boundaries for our continued relationship and not placing some blame on her or judging her life. Make sense?
I know that information from the W and from his facebook page. As far as financially, yeah...cellphone, car insurance, car payment...basically I still take care of the bills I took care of before.
) -- you are her HUSBAND, and it's incredibly disrespectful for her to talk to you about him.