this was written for me!!! in an emotionally and sex starved marrage of 26yrs 2 kids. im an attractive 49yr old, who was desperate, and worse off now. in response to what lacking at home after repeadtly asking him, i rekindled a relationship with my one and only love from high school, after this confirmed the lacking attriction at homw was not me, i asked my husband to leave, he eventually found out about my 4 mo. affair. my old flame will not leave his wife and im so emotionally attached its pathetic, we did get together one time! we ended the affair, and my husband is now casanova, will do anything to save marrage!!! trouble is dont feel in love with him anymore. where was he all those years!!! so confused, please help
I hear this repeatedly, I told my husband I need this & that but did you really tell him what you really wanted? Based on the research I've been reviewing, the lack of true communication is what caused this, your inability to communicate your real needs to your husband. Before you start up in an uproar, here is some real communication and this is real and blatant and direct and to the point and then after reading this, tell me if you actually said this:
" I am bored in this relationship, I require really good sex every xx days/weeks and I am starved for it. I am feeling unloved & unwanted and I can't continue in this relationship without these things that I call basic necessities. I don't want to exist in a marriage just to exist, if you can't give me what I want which is sex and not just any sex, good sex and attentive sex, and touching & massaging and communicating,etc. Then I will divorce you and proceed to get it elsewhere, I will not be unheard and I will not be ignored anymore. I don't tell this to be mean to you but I have to be honest with what my body needs & wants."
Tell me this is what you told your husband before you had your affair.
Before you tell me that he wouldn't have done anything to change, you just mentioned that he's acting like "casanova and will do anything to save the marriage". Fear of loss will inspire anyone to change. The real issue is communication and HONESTY, you weren't honest with your husband about your needs and didn't really want to give him the a chance at helping fulfill those needs - it's not because he didn't want to or couldn't. You couldn't be honest with him and more importantly yourself about you wanted and you feel now that you are entitled to affairs because of this.
Men are not mind readers and neither are women because if women were, they could read men's minds and basically find out that men are clueless when it comes to this.
Please respond and tell me you gave your husband this conversation before you had your affair.
Yes you're an emotional wreck now, you're dealing with guilt of the affair, you see that your husband would have done something, you are angry because you weren't honest and you probably look at your husband like he's pathetic & worthless. True love is committment & honesty. Being in love for women is what men call being infatuated, something new is definitely something sexy & exciting. Once the lustre of the affair is gone or once the other man leaves, you are left with coming down off a powerful high similar to drugs (tell me I'm wrong) and now you're looking for your next fix (desperate & worse off now)
I hate to say that I'm wrong on this, I wish I was but the stuff I've been reading really paints a whole new picture on all of this.
You either commit whole-heartedly to your marriage, be honest about your needs and what it is you want or divorce your husband. You entered this relationship model with your husband and created a new model without your husband: the only way out of this is to be honest & communicate what you need or divorce - there is no other way out. The longer you live in this holding pattern, the more you will hurt yourself and your husband.
And one other tidbit to add to this, is it possible your husband went through something similar with you but instead of being honest with his needs because he felt largely ignored about he wanted that he gave in, lost his excitement for life and just planned to exist in life without ever getting anything from his wife? The difference is this, he didn't cheat on you, he chose to remain faithful and just suffer because he loved you.
I'm not saying any of this be hard on you, and I won't label you a cheater, but I will tell you that you made the wrong decision or decisions in your marriage. You can turn this around and make your marriage something different and something great or you can chase a "feeling" because we both know you're not chasing a person. You enjoyed the feeling of being "high" (that's the feeling infatuation produces similar to being on cocaine or heroine) and the feeling you have now is even worse, it's like coming off of crack, you have that addicted feeling and are crashing hard. You probably even spent some time crying, in agony, maybe you couldn't leave your bed for a few days, nothing can console you and you probably even place some or all of this blame on your husband whenever you see him and whenever he tries to please you it makes you even angrier at him.
If I knew your phone number I would call your husband and tell him exactly what he needs to do with you, which is to be firm, give you a bit of a kick in the ass and be a real man with you and let you know that what you did was wrong but he still loves you and forgives you and won't label you as a cheater but he can't live with someone who want be honest, communicative and real about what a committed marriage is about.
So how close was I to any of this, take into account we are both anonymous & remote, please be honest with all of this.
