I'm sorry you're here. You will, however, get some great (if sometimes conflicting) advice and support on here though.
I think you'll find that your wife had this OM pre-bomb, and that her feelings for him precipitated her "ILBNILWY" feelings and speech. It's fairly typical, and it's her feelings for him that are blocking her desire to want to try and work on your marriage with you.
I agree with you that your wife is cake-eating. At a MINIMUM you need to establish a boundary that you don't want to hear about her boyfriend -- it's disrespectful. You are NOT her gay boyfriend (not that there's anything wrong with that! ) -- you are her HUSBAND, and it's incredibly disrespectful for her to talk to you about him.
My other advice would be to be civil, courteous, friend-LY, but stop trying to be her best friend. Because she definitely is getting some of her physical and emotional needs met by OM, and then her financial and other emotional needs met by YOU. Which is probably why she doesn't bring up the divorce talk anymore; she has it too good -- why should she?
) -- you are her HUSBAND, and it's incredibly disrespectful for her to talk to you about him.