Hey All I've been out of the loop lately. Sorry about that. So after the four great days at home with him, we had a set back. Stupid ex-OW called him and I felt like we (S and me) got the blow off so he could talk to her. Ex-OW, who shall from now on be called Loser, needs a lot of career help because basically, she has a criminal record and if she applies for a job, her resume is ok, but then the criminal check comes back and she's screwed. But not my problem. Anyways, we talked about how I was feeling and I can't say I felt much better. Yesterday, he picked up S and went to the gym. Afterward he texted me, we talked and I went home to him and S and stayed there. We had a great time. I mentioned Loser once as he was telling a work story (they work together) and he stopped his story and said basically if you bring her up again, I'm going to kick you out of the house or if we are on the phone, I'm going to hang up on you. I said Sounds good. Deal. And the night was fabulous from there. We facebooked a little bit today even though he's super busy at work. He kissed me good bye this morning too which was quite lovely. So there are days when I think "We can do it! We can make it togehter!!" Then there are days when I think "WTH??? We aren't going to make it." So, still on the roller coaster. Any advice or insight....lay it on me.
Still GALing and a few 180's thrown in for good measure, but I think I'm going to really concentrate on the 180's now. I'm very happy and satisified with my 180's.
Oh and we have planned a family vaca for S's birthday this month and the following weekend we are going out of town again with another couple, just adults. So that's good stuff too.
How was your weekend? Hope you did things for yourself and had a great one!!! I had fun with my S this weekend (just us) and although M is same, I had a good weekend! Talk to you sometime this week.
Hello All, I did have a great weekend and at the same time a crappy one!! Ta-dah! Basically Friday was ok. H got on my nerves, we had it out a little bit but nothing terrible. He brought up ex-OW and for the first time I explained to him my issues with this stupid person. And he nodded and agreed. He said something about us getting divorce, I told him to leave and as he's leaving he mentions--"You look really great. (I was dressed to go out--but never did) You know where I'll be later if you want to come over." WTF???????????????????????? I did not go over there. Instead I called a friend and we talked most of the night. Love her! Saturday, he has S. I didn't hear from H until I called around 4:30 to ask how S was doing. He put S on the phone then he talked to me--asked about my day and said "Well I'm making chicken so if you want to come over for dinner, please do. We'll just be hanging out here watching basket ball." I didn't go there for dinner, but I went later and stayed the night. We did get into an arguement because he was perfectly normal to wonderful, then got weird and I was tired and let it go. Then it was all back to normal to pretty good. During that conversation, he says again, we are not getting back together. I asked him "If you want out so bad, why are you always around?" He said I set things up so he'd always have to be. I told him to set up the schedule then. He later admits, the schedule as is, is the best option. Again I ask: WTF????? He says he'll be around less. I said Ok. So weird. And it gets better. Sunday, we go to brunch as planned with some friends. At brunch he says "S and I are going to go watch Monsters Vs. Aliens if you want to join us. And not for the last time: WTF?????? After brunch, I need a freaking break and me and girlfriend went to watch the local universities tennis team play. It was great. Afterward, I'm in a much better mind frame. I got back over to our place. S is napping. H goes out and cleans my windshield for me and puts some rainex on it. Then we wake up S and instead of the movie we go shopping. While shopping, the first store, he's not jazzed about anything. I said let's go. He says, Well, let's check out Banana Republic, maybe they're having a good cycle. We have a chuckle and walk that way. (H and I agree BR and GAP have seasons where everything in the store is fabulous, or it sucks.) We get to BR. He finds two suits he loves and there's a pretty good sale going. He has this look on his face and I ask what's wrong? He starts to complain about money. "I love these suits, but we shouldn't spend the money." To that I say "I think you were meant to get these suits. For a guy who believes in the cosmos, I want to point out to you, for only having a few suits left, don't you think it's amazing they had every size jacket and pants that you wanted to try on? And don't you think it's amazing that you could buy these two suits and wear them perfectly as is?" He started to smile and said "You're right." Long shopping trip short, we got the two suits at a more than 50% less than what only one would normally cost, plus four pairs of fun socks for him. But when we were leaving, he was going on about what a great deal that was, and blah blah blah. I said to him, "That's how I always shop. Bargains only." He looked at me and said "Yeah, you are great that way." So, one battle for me.
We have a trip planned for S's third birthday this month to Disney. That should be awesome. Then the weekend right after, we have an adult weekend planned with some friends. That should be even better.
But he is a again mentioning divorce. He hadn't done that in more than 8 weeks. We did have some pretty good fights this week and yes, most of them were my fault because I just couldn't get myself to shut up.
I think when he feels attracted to you he mentions divorce, b/c he's scared that you're drawing him back in. He's scared to be drawn back in b/c he doesn't want to go back to the mean old you, he likes the new nice you, and that's who he's attracted to. So when he get's a glimpse of the old you, like when you don't "shut up" then he throws that in your face, to hurt you as he feels hurt by you leading him on that you could be anything but the nice new version of your self. Stick to the DB rules. It's working.
PS....I'm sure your friend loves you too, that's why she spoke to you half the night. That's what friends are for!
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
Last weekend, we argued about some stuff and he said he wanted out, "I don't want to be married anymore." He said it serveral times, I said "Ok, I'm out of your life, we'll just deal with S as we need to." But he never agreed that he wanted me out of his life.
This week has been ok.
Yesterday, I was going to stay at our house with him to make sure all was well with a medical procedure he had done (all is well) plus S was asking about him. So he was cool when I told him we were going to be staying there.
I did a half day yesterday to help him out a bit. I went and picked up lunch for him because he hadn't eaten in more than 24 hours.
I was there with him, we were talking, and he was sort of weird. I asked him "Do you not want us to stay here?" Getting to the point, he says "I just don't think it's a good idea, I don't want to give you the wrong impression." (We are planning a trip the last weekend in April, with the friends I'm staying with.) I said "OK, thanks for being honest. But what kind of impression does the trip with our friends give me?" He said that's different, they really want to go. I reply, "No they don't. They could not care less. If you want, take your money and go with the husband and do something. Wife and I will find something else to do." He said nothing.
So the long and short of the conversation, he brings is up and said something about how I need to let all the stupid ex-OW go. I told him, Nope H, you do bc I have. Then I put it out there: "If you need to go chase this stupid little girl, go do it. I'm out, you can have freedom like a single man. But you better start telling everyone we are already divorced. Otherwise I insist you act like the married man that you are."
"I have no interest in that stupid little girl. You have no idea what I'm doing or what I say to her."
I didn't ask for clarification about that. I left it alone.
He said something, don't quite remember what and I explained my opinion about this person to him, which he completely agreed with me about--none of it positive. (Keep in mind from previous posts, the ex-OW called me and said all the time, "you can save your marriage, I know he loves you." This while continously calling him, trying to get him to say he loves her--which he swears he never did.) WTH??
I told him he can no longer have the best of both worlds. He wanted to know what that meant. I said: From now on, you tell her to go pick up the Master's gambling pool money for you because you're having a procedure done. You tell her to pick up your lunch today because you can't walk around, you tell her to meet your parents here on Saturday while you're off playing golf in Georgia. You get her to cover your a$$ for you. I'm done."
He says again, he has no interest in any of that and her and says let it go. I said "Believe me, I am. But here's what you don't get. I signed up for this stuff. When I got married, I took my vows seriously and doing this stuff for you....this is what I signed up for. As much as I can b***h, I have never bitched about helping you when you needed me. I love it. This is what I want to do, when I can do it."
Well that seemed to piss him off. He said "You need to leave now." I explained to him, he can't kick me out of my house where I pay half of everything. Maybe I'm wrong, but that was the first glimpse I've gotten he might be ashamed of how he's acted.
Finally I told him: "If there is not one part of you that believes in a new relationship, a new marriage with a new H and a new W, then say so. I'm out of your life forever. This great "not married" life you are so sure is out there, go get it. I'm not hanging around while you find yourself."
His response: "IF the ball buster, the lawyer and the investigator can go away, then maybe, maybe we have a chance." (He says I'm all three)
I said "Great. I'm leaving."
He stood up and gave me a big kiss and hug. I asked, "Was that so bleeping difficult?"
So who knows? We had a great night--he came over for dinner where we are staying and he joked, "I like you better when you aren't talking!" I said "OMG!! I was just about to say the same thing to you!"
We'll see. I just don't know what to think. So I think I'm taking a break here with the thinking.
SLH,Your M is so different from mine. My H doesn't reveal any of his feelings to me usually and I have no idea what he is thinking. He just shuts up and sulk. But you and your H just goes all out. I don't know which is better but I have a hunch that any communication is better than none. However, it sounds like you are trying so hard to get him to admit that he wants a D. Is that what you really want? You keep pushing for R talk and he just doesn't want to make a commitment to you. I don't know. I can tell that he is controlling you and pulling and pushing you constantly. Is that good for you?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
My new goal now is to count the number of days I don't talk about R, ex-OW or fight with him. Avoiding those three topics are my goal.
Update on my sitch:
On Tuesday we got into an arguement. OW from his EA is (or was) calling him again and I was upset about it. But the arguement wasn't about her.
I asked him when he was going to file. I had just had enough. He said he'd go see a lawyer this week. He's actually said this before so I really didn't think much of it.
Later, he tells me about a credit card he's been using, and I didn't know, so was not planning it in the bills. I look it up and I told him we no longer had the money to file because of this bill he didn't tell me about and I paid it off with the extra funding.
He said "Well, we don't need to do anything with that until after your trip to VA in May. Things will be different then, we'll have refinanced, so we'll see then."
I said "H let me ask you a question." He said sure.
"Do you really think we're getting divorced?'
"Un-huh, yeah."
"See, I don't."
"How do you figure?"
"I'll give it to you mathematically. I think 33% of you is confused as hell. I think 33% of you wants me and S, intact as a family....you want me. You often tell me you are attracted to me, and for the record, thank you. I love it when you say that. Always have."
He says "You are very hot. Never been a problem there for us."
I continue: "And 33% of you has some interest in this stupid girl." He sort of laughed. "You know as well as anyone, that's never going to happen. But for some reason, you need revenge or really more, you need to win. You need to walk away from that relationship and say 'i won'. And the good news there is you're the one making the rules for that game as you go along so you get to decide when it's over and when you are the champion."
He said "Maybe." (My H has a pretty big ego.)
I said "For me, it's that extra 1% I'm curious about. There have been times when it's been with her. There's been times it's been with me. But I think most of the time, it's in the middle, with the confused as hell part of you."
He was silent.
I added "So, really I think we both know how this is going to end......that one % with me. And that's all I've got. You don't agree with me?"
He said "I don't know......want to meet us at Chick-fil-a?"
"No. Frankly, I don't want to look at you right now." He laughed and agreed and we hung up.
That's relatively paraphrased, but the point I was trying to make was "You haven't crossed a line yet, but you are REALLY damn close." Not sure if he got it or not.
So a couple of hours later, he brings S to me to where S and I are currently living. I'm upstairs. He and S come up stairs. Vince is playing on the stairs. I sit down and put my arms out waiting for me. H sits on my back, for just a second then stands up. Sort of weird, but physical contact for sure.
I put S in the tub. I go into my little bathroom to grab something and H follows me and starts to GROPE me! I just about kicked him in the jewels.
I turn around and grab his hands and say "What the.....???? I'm not your whore!"
He says "Nope. You never were, never will be. You're the mother of my child." (I wanted to say "No dumb dumb, I'm your wife, but didn't.) I said "You are crazy--with all this going on, you're nutz. You need to go figure out your other crap before you even think about this."
And he proceeds to want to hug and be affectionate etc.......???? Just to see what he would do, I went to kiss him when he was leaving and he gave me a very very nice one.
Hello Conductor..???? I'd like off this ride now.
Yesterday, S and I were at home with H. I was playing a late make up tennis match about 2 miles from our home. So H put S to sleep and when I got home, S was in the guest room bed, not his own. So I took a shower and told H (who is now in bed) where S was sleeping.
"So, sleep with me." Ok. He didn't try anything--was actually sort of cuddly. In the morning he kissed me good bye on the forehead while I was still in bed with S who joined us at some point in the night.
We are going to go to a theme park this Saturday for S's birthday.
The last weekend of the month, I'm going on a little vacation. I need out of town for a breather. I haven't been out of town since September. H wants to go with me....which I think is good, isn't it?
But again my new goals: No talk about R, OW, D. And no more fights. My guts really can't take it anymore. We've cut back a lot on the fights, but when we do, they are doozies. No more, please.
I am exhausted just reading your thread. boy, you are an energetic couple. You both get off on energy, whether it is sexual or negative energy like fighting. It's a good thing that you both still has a sense of humor about things, otherwise your R would have been busted ages ago. Now if he could get the girl out of his mind, you have a real chance. Why do you think he still comes onto you? Is it because he wants to know that you are still attracted to him and loves him? It's strange that he wants to fool around but won't commit. What IS his problem?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Odd you should say that....I feel the same way. We are both full of energy and always have been I think. My H and I had a great weekend together. We did the early celebration for our S's third birthday and hit an amusment park. One little disagreement, that lasted all of 15 seconds because I ended it just as fast as it started and I think H was surprised. S and I stayed with H all weekend too. It was really quite nice.
Now, today (ta-dah) we have the "pull back". I was at home for lunch and H came in. I wasn't expecting him because he normally goes to the gym. After a few minues of being there, H says "What are you mad about?" I said what are you talking about? And he said there was something about my eyes and the quiver in my voice.....I said nothing. I'm actually having a great day....is there something I should be mad about? He said "Well at this point you can't be mad about anything, so it doesn't matter, but no, there's nothing you should be mad about." (Not good, but I ignored it--because if that's true, why ask if I'm mad?) I said, Ok. And left it alone and left the house. So we are having dinner tonight at our house with some friends and baking cupcakes. Tomorrow is S's third birthday so we're putting somethings together for his classmates. Then we are going to a Chucky Cheese type place after school and keeping it low key. Then on Wednesday and Thursday, and even possibly Friday, I won't see H or at least unless he tries to see us. So it's going to be break time after Tuesday. Weird. It's all so very weird.
