WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[confusedinpa]

She's at the apt and I'm out back watching the kids play with their climbing toys in the backyard. I'm not sure when she's coming back. She's waiting for the furniture she bought yesterday to be delivered. Not sure when/if she'll be home

I'm still confused about the enabling/rescuing hugs/back rubs. Do I refuse? Or how should I handle it?

[confusedinpa]

Not sure if tonite would count as a good nite but don't think it was a bad nite

She picked up sandwiches for us for dinner on her way home from her apartment. The boys and I were still playing outside when she showed up. I was very upbeat and acted as I would after a great day playing with the boys

As we ate, the boys and I chatted about how much fun we had. We wound up finishing dinner early enough to go grab ice cream. While we were waiting on lin to the walk up windowe, she commented that her back was cold. I offered her my sweatshirt but she declined saying I would be cold. I told her I would be fine but she declined again. I ran my hand up and down her back to warm it up and asked if that felt better. She said it did

We finished eating dessert at home. While the boys watched their show before going to bed, my wife made some comment about talking tonite while she was surfing the web on her laptop. I didn't respond/react

We put the kids to bed. She was still surfing (shopping for stuff for her new place I presume). I didn't ask because I really didn't want to know

I straightened up the family room as she continued to surf the web. After I was done I laid on the floor to stretch out my back. I talked about things the boys did during the day.

She commented about how my mom called her crying telling her that I've changed and please give me another chance. I grimmaced and said I will talk to her. She said it was ok as my mom wasn't mean like last time. I said ok if she didn't want me to (I lied, my mom has to stop pressuring her so I will call her)

She finished on her laptop and went to put it in her SUV. I heard a crash. I ran out and found my wife on the ground. She tripped and fell. I went to help her up and see if she was ok. She bruised her mid-section/ribs on the recycle bin and hurt her left wrist on the concrete and her right arm was scrapped on the step

I helped her change and she needed to borrow sweats from me (guess she moved her sweats to the apartment already). I helped her back down to the family room. I asked if she needed anything. She asked for ice packs, water, advil and a blanket. I joked about how she was pushing her luck.

The she started laughing that she fell into the recycle bin. It was funny I said that I wished I had a camera. She called her mom to tell her. My wife was really cracking up about it.

The show we were watching ended and she went to bed. She thanked me for helping her. I joked that if she can't get out of bed to pee, she can call me for help. We then said goodnite

I guess with her bruised midsection, I don't have to worry about her initiating hugs

So another nite goes by

[confusedinpa]

I'm really starting to get freaked out the my wife is moving out in less than 2 weeks. I know that I can only control what I do but I am really stressing. I know I need to be strong for the boys

We have our consuling appointment tonite still

How do it DB after she moves out?

We really messed up bad...

[MrBond]

"She mentioned that she needed to go walmart and then grocery shopping. She said she could go by herself or we can go together."

How is this considered you making the choice of you all going? She asked. She could have just told you she wanted to go alone. More WAW babble don't pay any attention to it.

"I'm still confused about the enabling/rescuing hugs/back rubs. Do I refuse? Or how should I handle it?"

Tell her the truth. That she's sending mixed messages. Tell her that by her doing that she's hurting you more than she realizes. She's only doing it when it feels right for "her". But when you do it, she doesn't want it. I'm sure she doesn't mean to hurt you, but you've got to draw the line somewhere or else you are going to drive yourself nuts.

Or you can ignore and take the stance that, oh well she wanted a hug. Period. And not read into it. You're not like that so ask.

"I ran my hand up and down her back to warm it up and asked if that felt better. She said it did"

This is enabling. Stop it. You're doing this more for your need to touch her again. I think the lack of sex is more what's on your mind.

"She finished on her laptop and went to put it in her SUV. I heard a crash."

Maybe God's trying to tell her something. : )

"How do it DB after she moves out?"

I think several of us have discussed this already. Re-read the chapter about that. You just keep doing what you've been doing. Keep all interactions light and friendly and invite her to stuff if you want to but not all the time.

Show her your changes. But most importantly...let her go in your mind.

You've got to stop trying to think of ways to get her back because it keeps showing up as need in your actions.

[confusedinpa]

"I'm still confused about the enabling/rescuing hugs/back rubs. Do I refuse? Or how should I handle it?"

Tell her the truth. That she's sending mixed messages. Tell her that by her doing that she's hurting you more than she realizes. She's only doing it when it feels right for "her". But when you do it, she doesn't want it. I'm sure she doesn't mean to hurt you, but you've got to draw the line somewhere or else you are going to drive yourself nuts.

Or you can ignore and take the stance that, oh well she wanted a hug. Period. And not read into it. You're not like that so ask.

"I ran my hand up and down her back to warm it up and asked if that felt better. She said it did"

This is enabling. Stop it. You're doing this more for your need to touch her again. I think the lack of sex is more what's on your mind.

You've got to stop trying to think of ways to get her back because it keeps showing up as need in your actions.

Stuck808,

Thanks for checking in on my situation.

I had a lot of angst this weekend with my wife so actively prepping for her move. I know right now she feels trapped and needs to escape. I'm still taking the approach of I love her enough that I want her to feel free to do what she wants, but I'm not going to help her either.

I was concerned about "enabling" by helping her emotionally. I have to remind myself that this is something she feels she needs/wants to do, so I can't expect her to be sad/torn about it. She only gets emotional when I start to challenge how she is behaving (i.e. Friday nite). I know she was "sorry" on Sat - which I think came out via the hugs. She even appologized Sat nite verbally for how she was handling taking stuff.

I wasn't sure if I was silently "absolving" her by participating in the hugs. Part of me wanted the hug to never end, but the other part of me, which seems to be growing everyday, wanted to say "WTF - are you kidding me?!?!? I've tried to say sorry and you can't forgive/move past and you're saying sorry and you want us to feel better about it?!?!?!"

Part of me still looks forward to seeing her, the other part of me wishes we were in our space so I can try to move on. The biggest struggle I have is with the impact on the kids. I kick myself for all the mistakes I made in the past, but remind myself that was all in the past. I need to live in the present and make myself the best father, friend and man that I can be for the future.

My cousin asked me if I would take her back or want to stay married if she changed her mind. I told her I really am not sure. I would just for the sake of the kids, but would I take her back just for me. I just don't know. Pretty scary.......

[confusedinpa]

We have our marriage counseling session tonite. I heard her talking to our oldest yesterday that her mom was coming on Monday so it sounds like she is going again tonite.

I'm torn as I'm not sure how it is helping our relationship. Our conselor is more focused on helping each of us heal our hurt. My wife did talk alot last week, although in retrospec, it was more victim talk.

Part of me wonders why she is going and has said that she will continue to go after she moves out. She has said before that she was going because she knew I wanted her to go. When she said that, I told her that if that's the only reason she was going she was wasting our time/money as this was suppose to be marriage counseling to work on a marriage relationship. It's not divorce counseling either, to work on a co-parenting relationship.

Prior to the last session, we had talked about if we had thought that this counselor was really helping our marriage relationship. We had talked about finding a different one although I really don't even know how to proceed with finding another one (this one is a resource referral through my work, our last one was through her insurance).

So, what to talk about tonite. Any thoughts?

[confusedinpa]

Well, just got confirmation that she will be going to counseling tonite. She sent me an email asking me what resturant I would like to go to - I had been letting her pick. The one she wanted to go didn't work out for tonite. A couple of weeks ago, we had gone to the one that we met just about 11.5 years ago. She did suggest that as one of the options.

Not sure if she's expecting to use the counseling session to talk about the parenting/custody agreement or what. If she does that I'm tempted to tell her that we are hear to talk about the marriage relationship, not divorce/separation issues. I'm sure she'll bring it up during dinner.

I'm really looking for thoughts or input....

[confusedinpa]

Has anyone else run into the emotional conflict while DB'ing?

The reason you see her differently now is because she is hurting you. The woman you hold in such high regard and love is trampling on your heart. It's "normal" to look at her now and feel like "ILYBNILWY." You have to realize she is months to years ahead of you on this curve. You already have trampled on her heart for her to get to this point.
It is a form of detachment but use it to gain understanding and insight. It won't last forever. The positive, loving feelings all come back but you must pass thru the stages - friendship to courtship first.
Cheers

Should I bring this up in our counseling session tonite - how I'm feeling conflicted about her now?

[confusedinpa]

Anybody, there is less than 5 hours to counseling....

[spellfire]

I don't think it would hurt for her to think that what she is doing could result in her losing you, especially if it is true.