I would almost bet she had totally ended something. After that last talk you had, she got rid of the glass, and I bet she ended some sort of contact with someone (maybe not even that OM, but someone else she was talking to or something). The sitting and staring, the depression......she's dealing with it all. This is good news because that means she has let a wall down. Now, she is seeing what was behind that wall and dealing with it.
This is not easy. Getting through what she has done is hard on both of you. I know you read my post. Thanks for responding, I need that encouragement from you.
Keep being there for her. Let her get through this. When you are gone, let her know you love her in some way. Maybe send flowers. But, it will be good to be gone if she is going through some withdrawal and facing some things. She just needs to get through them. I'm sure it is hard to watch and hard to stomach.
If she IS going thru withdrawal, and it's because she is doing what her husband has asked her to do, it's it imperative that she COMMUNICATE that to him? Isn't that the whole point to no-contact, transparency and recovery -- for them BOTH to communicate with each other honestly, and begin to try to heal their marriage?
Put more simply, if withdrawal is causing bitchiness, and she doesn't tell him, doesn't she just come across as, well, a b*tch??
Thanks Pup. Stubborn? Yep, that's her. I know that's part of what she struggles with. Because in her mind, it had to be right or she wouldn't have done it so now that it appears that it was wrong, she is fighting that person in her that can't accept that it was wrong.
WDID. I appreciate the comments. I hope you're right that she ended something. I would be really surprised if it was someone other than OM. After our talk a couple weeks ago I could see her deciding that she needed to end talking to him, even if in her mind it was only "friends" talk. And now she's WD'ing from it. She did get rid of the glass (at least put it away somewhere).
She's still got the undies. We bought a new dresser with the bed a few months ago and she just this weekend moved her undies into it. I checked and she's got them stashed away towards the bottom of the pile, but she had to grab them and move them so that could be part of what was F'ing with her head this weekend.
Logically, I think I know she's progressing and I just need to help her get through it any way I can. But it's so hard to not get anything for so long.
Like Sunday, we went grocery shopping and had a good time. On the way home I put my hand on her leg. She didn't flinch or anything, but we stopped at the ATM when we got in our town and while I was getting money she grabbed her coat out of the back seat and put in on her lap. It's not hard to see she did that so I couldn't put my hand back on her leg when I finished at the ATM.
I know I can't push her, but for over a year and a half I've got nothing in the form of affection except those rare times when we're out of town and she'll be intimate with me. I almost wish she wouldn't be intimate with me because it makes it that much harder, ya know?
I'll have to think about this weekend and if I should do something or not.
Thanks again guys.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
If she IS going thru withdrawal, and it's because she is doing what her husband has asked her to do, it's it imperative that she COMMUNICATE that to him? Isn't that the whole point to no-contact, transparency and recovery -- for them BOTH to communicate with each other honestly, and begin to try to heal their marriage?
Put more simply, if withdrawal is causing bitchiness, and she doesn't tell him, doesn't she just come across as, well, a b*tch??
Puppy
Ideally that's the way it should be. But I think her stubbornness gets in the way. And if she tells me she ended contact with him, that would be her admitting that she's lied to me on many occasions over the last year. And I just don't see her doing that.
I did ask her at one point last night, "Are you ok"? She looked at me and said "yes", kind of quietly and I just said "you seem like you're down about something. If you want to talk, I'm here" and she said "everything is fine". I replied with a simple "ok".
Could be that WDID is correct. Could be that our talk a couple weeks ago burned away some of the fog and made her realize she needed to completely end contact with OM and now she's in WD.
All the symptoms are there. The wild mood swings. The seeming bouts of depression. Her not wanting me touching her. If that's what's going on, I just hope she sticks with it.
Thanks again.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Ok WDID, one more question. If this is what she's going thru, do I continue to occasionally contact her while she's at work, just to see how her day is going, etc?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
When I ended it all COMPLETELY, there was a HUGE hole. OM had filled it up, and my H and I hadn't worked through repair work yet. So, yes, try to fill the hole with some love and care. Gauge her reaction. If she seems like you are bugging her, then just stop.
Puppy, I see what you are saying. Ideally, yes, she should communicate with Hope. But, communication is not their strong suit yet. From the personality HOpe has portrayed of his wife, I see her as the type to need to work this through herself. She kept the back door open, and now shutting it requires her to do those things she has made HOpe believe she was doing all along. She will believe she doesn't need to say a thing. She thinks HOpe is thinking she has been doing this already. Now she is just DOING it.
Continue to talk to her,Hope. COntinue to call her on things. Asking her if she is ok was good. When you notice that, say something like you did. If you keep noticing her, she will eventually open up. She wants to know that you DO really KNOW her. There was a time when she thought you didn't even know who she was.
Puppy, I see what you are saying. Ideally, yes, she should communicate with Hope. But, communication is not their strong suit yet. From the personality HOpe has portrayed of his wife, I see her as the type to need to work this through herself. She kept the back door open, and now shutting it requires her to do those things she has made HOpe believe she was doing all along. She will believe she doesn't need to say a thing. She thinks HOpe is thinking she has been doing this already.
Oh, I fully understand that this is what SHE is thinking, and doing. I'm questioning whether real healing can take place without her "coming clean" so to speak, and then re-building on top of some new foundation of honesty, transparency and trust.
Can it just be done incrementally this way, and with "don't-ask/don't-tell"??
Good question. Communication is a biggie for them. Hope's wife's biggest conflict is within herself. If she can't face it herself, she can't face it with him. She needs to figure out how she feels about everything. Again, ideally, it would be great for them to work as a team and figure it out together. To come clean, and build trust. But, I believe (all speculation) that she is just finally closing that door, a door she probably didn't realize consciously she was keeping open. I don't think she thought it was harmful to continue speaking to the OM (or any OM) since she knew she wouldn't ever be with him again. He told her "no contact" and she feels like she hasn't. She has stopped any "meaningful" contact in her mind. NOw, after the talk, she took the glass down, and is maybe looking at the fact that Hope would NOT be happy if she was still in any sort of contact with OM. Before, she thought it was probably ok, and now he pretty much verbalized how he felt. There's no hiding behind "well, I didn't think this was a big deal".
She may eventually come clean and build this new relationship from sharing those details. But, I can't stress enough how difficult it is to just get past what she did. And, I really think she is just trying to do that.
Ok, so to get back to what you specifically were asking- HOnesty, transparency, and trust can't be built if she is continually hiding something. She may not be following the process the best way, or "correct way", but she is trying to get there "her way". It's not the best path, but it can still lead her to a good ending. Her affair was not the best way to get Hope's attention or to bring their problems to the surface, but it did. Their ending still can be a happy one.
. . . Again, ideally, it would be great for them to work as a team and figure it out together. To come clean, and build trust. But, I believe (all speculation) that she is just finally closing that door, a door she probably didn't realize consciously she was keeping open. I don't think she thought it was harmful to continue speaking to the OM (or any OM) since she knew she wouldn't ever be with him again. He told her "no contact" and she feels like she hasn't. She has stopped any "meaningful" contact in her mind. NOw, after the talk, she took the glass down, and is maybe looking at the fact that Hope would NOT be happy if she was still in any sort of contact with OM. Before, she thought it was probably ok, and now he pretty much verbalized how he felt. There's no hiding behind "well, I didn't think this was a big deal".
H4U, correct me if I'm wrong, but you HAVE let her know that it "was a big deal" -- many times -- haven't you? Yes, it was followed by "peaceful" periods in which she may have interpreted that you were "okay" with some of it, but you made yourself VERY clear to her, several times, before -- didn't you?
WDID, thanks for the response. This helps me understand what she is thinking/rationalizing.
You're welcome, Pup. Rationalizing is a good word. Incorrect rationalizing it may be, but just trying to get the mind around it somehow......get through it somehow.......move forward..... Man, it is hard. On both ends. What's hard for Hope's wife, too, is that she doesn't have the support of the DB people. She's working through it the best way she knows how.
