My story

[Mountain_Biker]

My Question to those with advice... (Burt - Steady)

I have changed "me" in all this over a short 3 month life shattering sitch. I have read 6 books. DB and DR, also 3 others on relationships and one on coping with kids and divorce. Sought counseling and medical help and attorney advice. Increased my physical activity and am in the best condition of my life... I look and feel good (and she notices). I KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG! I am a better person in all this and it shows with my interaction with my kids. They love me dearly and are very connected to me. I believe someday I will make a great husband to someone (maybe my W). My in-laws love me dearly and notice the effort I have put into myself and saving my family. They want this to work and are on my side.

I have identified the things in me I want to change, but she has not. She is hiding behind a wall and believes all her problems come from me. She has gone back and forth about the divorce. She thinks it will "solve" her problems, but deep down she believes it will not. Which I believe is why she waits.

So... advice is needed. I will not file for divorce and will not seek a new relationship until it's done. Am I being fair to myself in saying that? How long do I wait until I break? What if I break just as she is about to reconcile?

Also, how do I deal with her EA and getting that to stop which is clearly getting in the way? I know I cannot confront it and try to stop as that would be a death sentence. Do I just wait? She has a job interview today, which would help get her away from the OM at her current work. Do I just hold out hope for that and the distance will increase between that?

If I detach I show her "I am fine and will be fine, so you decide", but on the other hand how do I prove "I have changed and don't want a relationship to grow apart again"?

Bottom line... She told a friend this weekend "I want to try, but how do I know we will not grow apart again"? "How do I know he has changed permanently"?

I told her when the D-bomb dropped I will keep a journal and write in it everyday (this of course during the time I was begging, pleading... you know) so "we" never forget to take the time.

Cleary I need to learn how to “detach”, I get that, but more time/advice is needed.

Sorry - probably too many thoughts in one thread, but let's see what you all think...