Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

Thanks MB. I wouldn't say it was a good word per se.

Too early to tell though.

Things have been decent. She's made a real effort to talk. Asked me out on a date for our birthday celebration (birthday on the same day).

Yesterday, she came to church, but still snubbed me a bit. I can live with that. I was heading to the grocery store yesterday afternoon and asked her if she needed anything. She started running down the list out loud and that suddenly became a R conversation (my head was spinning, but I have been expecting it). She told me about her conversation with MC.

The basic outcome? She wants to separate but still be exclusive. Date, sex, etc. Just feels that if she doesn't move out like this she'll end up showing up with papers one day. My choices seem limited. I told her the truth - I'm not sure I can do that. Separate without it being final. She started crying and talking more. psycho stuff about identity development and how she missed her opportunity. I heard that to be she needs to find herself. I don't buy that, but it's how she feels. In the end of that conversation, I told her I love her and I love her unconditionally, but that I'm not sure I can stay married through such an arrangement. I told her to not jump to any conclusions about my ability to handle it and to let me talk with the MC before we talk further about it.

We went to dinner last night as planned. She started drinking and the accusations came out. I defended more than I should have, but less than I felt like. Kept it cool. We ended the night on a positive note. Laughed, cried, had fun in general.

During the afternoon she did say that she does care about my feelings. That's been a long time since I've heard that. I told her that as well. She also said she had been upset for years. That we had not connected for years. I did say that I felt like I've been lied to and have been living a lie. It hurt me to hear that. I'll have to take that up with the MC but I did say it. I also asked her what she hopes to get from moving out. She says she can't relax at home with me there. I asked if she moves out, and still can't relax, what then?

During the evening conversation, she tells me that I'm the one that stopped sharing my life years ago. I'm upset about that because she tells me I did something that she's done for many more years. <sigh> I'm hurt and angry. I didn't tell her all of that. I'll save it for the MC. I think it's important that we be friends for now and get more information from the MC to see why she seemed ok with the idea of separation.

She also accused me of trying to control the relationship. I feel like she's been trying to control it for the last year or so by putting me in nice_neat_time-slice_of a box. I'll have to bring that up with the MC as well.

In the end, feelings are feelings. I do need to her to heal and I do love her unconditionally - no expectations. I'm just not sure that I can put my kids through this as it would have a serious impact on them. Especially at risk is my daughter. When I brought up how my daughter needs her mom last night, I noticed the defensiveness really spike. Mommy guilt. I get it. I can't do anything about it either.

Anyway, it saddens and angers me to see this. I am the one who now has the decision to make. When I first told her I didn't think I could do it, she started crying and said "then we'll have to get the papers drawn up." Just need to figure out if I believe her or not. So far I do and so far I'm not sure if that's something I should avoid.

She seems to think that through separation we can be friends and lovers and parents. I'm not as sure as she seems to be.

I'm spinning I think

AJ