Ali, can you replace the word "hard" with "fear" and then try to explain or put words to those fears. Like are you afraid of losing him---then you can rationalise that fear. Pushing him away Making him make/reach a decision etc etc.
Would the person he loved, the old you that is now you again have been spontanious (sp) or cautious. I think she wore her heart on her sleeve and shared it with the world. Like Rob said you have zero to lose.
Perfect naej, just perfect!!! Ali, you chicken sh!t!!! Grow some b@lls and have some fun with him.... Enough with crying.PLllllease! K
Uh guys.. its too soon! He still wont allow it! I tried to say during our chat.. why dont you phone, why cant we see each other then, if you miss me so much.. thats when he said that quite harsh thing "Do you want me to spell it out to you?" - meaning, he CANT or wont, because of her, still. He looked SOOO upset though.
So.. if I try.. I would likely get more rejection and I worry that would put pressure on him. I think I forgot to say that, he was pulling at his hair, saying "I feel under so much pressure".. I guess to finally decide.
We are both going home Friday, even if he doesnt give me a lift, I will TRY and meet up with him back home.. that would be fantastic if we could do that with our oldest friends, which we havent done since last July.. like his BMF as I usually see his wife, J, on a Saturday night when I am home.. would be great to get him to meet me for a drink back home.. I think that would really be something? And Venus goes into Pisces on Saturday.. could be time to find love!
And.. I am also going to contact the Piscean this week, I dont know how or when... maybe ask to meet up this weekend.. but I worry if we do, we will be 19 and 21 again, if you get my drift. Lets just call in Plan B.. but I havent got any preconceived ideas, just gonna follow my gut instinct!
I know.. I know.. very dangerous, I know, thats what I am saying and no, I wont be able to handle it.. but thats what I was told, a man who is now single is coming to you, then ex will want you back and you will get the choice. I was told in 3 different ways, but I didnt quite believe it then, but seems to be going that way.
The universe opened a window, and I cant just ignore it, I'm too curious. Maybe its the final goodbye me and the Piscean need and if it helps to win my ex back, it will have served another wonderful purpose and if I end up having a fling myself, then we will also be more 'even' and maybe it will make it easier to reconcile? Christ, I'm ever the optimist (and too long celibate, lol!)
I tried to say during our chat.. why dont you phone, why cant we see each other then, if you miss me so much.. thats when he said that quite harsh thing "Do you want me to spell it out to you?"
Are you right to assume he said this because of Helen? Maybe he said it for another reason?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Ali, I think it is wrong for you to see xxb/f. whlst you are still inlove with your x b/f and thinking you will reconcile when he grows some b***. You said you love(d) xx he was your soulmate and yet you are contemplating almost using him as a pawn in the hope of getting x back. Thats not love thats lust lets be honest.Which is fine but let him know this first. He might need the same and then no harm is done. You must have made every excuse in the book for why you can't contact the x, we know 'cos we have used them all at some time or other I guess-well some of them. He is so weak and depressed maybe it is just the booze talking and he doesn't want to hurt you, maybe he doesn't want to hurt H. It could go either way but at least you would know, what about all this clarity you needed / wanted a while back. You are back to sqare one in as much as your life is now revolving around his, what happened to your "I finally detached! " and getting a life. It really is your choice how long you sit by waiting for x to want to be with you again and ditch Helen, but I think getting involved with the xx isn't going to help or be fair to either xx or you. JMO as ever.
Naej.. I was kidding. Anyway, there are no gaurantees, why shouldnt I have some fun? A fling? I do still love him, but its been a long time and I have needs to! I'm not saying I would act on it, I *might* though, depends how things pan out this next week or two. I'm going to go with the flow and see what happens.
It isnt just the booze talking.. its a consistent message to me, to BMF, to BMF and W back home.. has been for months. He's just slow. I get it.. you are all EXPECTING him to do something faster! And as he hasnt, you assume he doesnt want to/isnt going to/is done with me. Have you all forgotton this is the MLC board? That he said himself he thinks he had a MLC? These thigns DO take a long time? That he is suicidally depressed and not in a good place to make (or trust) good decisions? Cyrena gets it. You are all losing patience with him perhaps, but I havent. Whats a few months out of a lifetime together? And if we dont reconcile.. well, I still havent met A-another Mr Right, so no harm done.
I wasnt anxious after seeing him, my mood didnt change, other than being a bit sad to hear him say he wants to kill himself. I do have a life, more than I had before but, naturally I'm going to talk about him alot right now, I only just saw him after 4 months. There was a lot to post.
Good for you for "holding onto yourself" after all that emotional release! I have to say, I was pretty sure X hadn't yet finished with Helen, because of the way he was trying to make it seem as though you both just "happened" to be in the same pub with your respective groups. I notice that recently he said it would be "wrong" to go to pub night when you were there, then he had a change of mind on that and decided he needed time with you--he's still flip-flopping about in his mind.
My H also told me he wasn't looking for someone else, it just happened. In fact, every WAS says that, MLC or not. At some point, they do need to figure out exactly what was missing in their primary relationship, because that void will need to be filled. His saying that things "just happen" to him falls in that same category of seeing himself as a helpless victim. In order to actually move on (and make any decisions about his life) he would need to stop the self-pity and take responsibility for how he got to where he is, and know that he is in charge of his own emotions, choices, etc.
I wondered whether he was hoping that news of your rather public tearfest and chat would get back to Helen, causing her to dump him and relieve him of any responsibilty? Some MLCers who are afraid of confrontation do that because they feel it's a way of ridding themselves of a SO while still appearing like a nice guy. Please be aware, though, that if they do have an honest discussion with the OW about how and why they're ending their affair, it forces them finally to share their feelings openly. Ironically, the break-up can actually create/strengthen an emotional connnection between them at this point when much of the mask has been dropped.
You're doing well not to take his talk of wishing he were dead as your responsibility; it really does seem par for the course at this point in their journey. My H talked a lot about just wanting to run his vehicle into a tree, etc etc. If he begins to see himself as taking charge of his life, that urge should start to fade. If you were to get back together, though, I'd make it a condition that he get some proper help for the depression. And another thing--while the depression is this severe, chances are the snake is physiologically unable to come out and play at this time.
This is incredibly manipulative. Have you questioned your part in the breakup? I have absolutely no knowledge of the background of your relationship but only what I've read here on this thread. What you have written and the games you're willing to play speak volumes!
