Ali, dear Ali, I feel resentful because he still does the same things that brought us here. No time, no discussions, no fun times, no time alone without the kids, no compliments, no flirting, nothing...
I am not super perfect or anything, but I can see all our weaknesses and faults of the past. We were two people that messed up, BOTH of us.
I feel resentment building every day he "visits" us because it feels like a doctor's visit. I feel used and that I enable him to continue to treat me as nothing. He comes, checks base, and leaves to happily pursue his dream with "no obligations" towards me or the kids. Dont get me wrong, I am proud of him doing well. I supported him all these years. At least I did something good.
But...enough, dont you think? He is the one who left and wanted back because he needs me in his life, remember? Right now I dont know what I am, am I divorced to be, separated, reconciling, what the [censored] am I? I cant date, I cant be married, I am alone but morally committed to him. It's so eassssssyyyyy to start seeing things differently, you know what I mean?
It's been more than 2 years (with a fairy tale interjecting as you very well know) with no affection, no partnership of ANY kind. How long can a normal woman last? I dont care what other people say here about waiting years and years their Xspouses to come back after divorcing OPs, raising their new babies with OPs, hoping that once their child will marry, then they will get them back.
I am not like that, sorry. Maybe I am more human, meaning flawed. Who knows? I am a very emotional person. When I dont feel, I dont live. I am guilty of being passionate, in need of happy times, sex, affection, long discussions, dreams, etc...
What's wrong with that? It is so unfair to have my happiness opposite to my kids' happiness. Ohh well, I dont know. Maybe it is time to just close my eyes and make the jump... K
