HELP! Is ML to try to reconnect a mistake?

[trampledheart]

I welcome any comments/questions or insights. I waver from feeling like just throwing in the towel to wanting to save my marriage. Maybe it's actually over and I just can't let go. All I know for sure is that I've been through hell these past 2 years. Initially, I thought H was going through MLC, but now maybe he's a WAH and I'm having major problems detaching? Please let me know what you think...

We've been separated for about to 2 yrs now. In the beginning of separation, H occasionally would spend the night at home or come over and we would still sometimes ML. After a while, I began to feel used since nothing seemed to get resolved. I complained about it and he said it was "only sex"... so after that, I felt I needed to set boundaries and told him we can't ML anymore. It had been a year since the last time we ML and I guess I wanted to reconnect since we had gotten so far apart...

Friday night I told him I was feeling overwhelmed (house related issue) and asked if he would come over. Our daughter and her friends were over when he got here, so he hung out and had a couple of drinks with them before they left for the evening. After they left, H said he was tired and was going home too, but I asked if he would stay longer and he said only for a little while. I asked if he would cuddle with me, and we ended up ML. I'm wondering whether that was a good thing or not... What is confusing me now, is what happened right afterwards...

So after we ML, H wanted to get up and out of bed immediately! I panicked and said "Wait, I told you that I just wanted to cuddle, not to have sex...please, let's cuddle!" He said, "I shouldn't have done that, it was a mistake, I was drunk." (He was not drunk but I think he wanted to put that in my head because last month, when he tried to ML, I texted the OW and told her about it out of anger towards him.)

But now I really wanted to reconnect. I asked, "Why? Why do you say you shouldn't have done it?" And he said, "Because we're not together." (He tried to get up out of bed so he wouldn't have to talk, but I pulled him back in bed.)

My first impression was that he was feeling guilty - guilty that he "wronged" the OW that he's now living with (he had previously told me that it was a "long-term relationship").

I cried and told him that I loved him and that I wanted him to come back home, that I'm still waiting for him to come back. He got a little teary-eyed and said "that's not good for you. It's been too long, we've been separated for 2 years... too much had been done." I asked him if he loved me (no response), so I kept asking. He had his arms up covering his eyes somewhat. I couldn't get clarity on his responses because I was all panicky. In the past, he would always run away whenever I tried to have any relationship talks and I really needed to know what was going on in his head. Finally he said, "I'm not 'in love' with you. In some ways, I still love you and always will, but it's different now, it's not like in the beginning."

I asked him if he loved her (I can't seem to remember him verbalizing it, but I think he either said or meant 'yes' with whatever way he responded or didn't respond.) I asked him if he loved her more than me, and he said, "It's like how it was for us in the beginning."

He mumbled that he shouldn't have done that, so I asked if he was feeling guilty because of her? "Because of you, it's not good for you." Convinced that he was really feeling guilty for having cheated on her, I asked whether he felt guilty for her sake, and he said, "It's wrong to do that to someone..." I asked whether he ever felt guilty for having cheated on me in the past. With his arms still partially shielding his eyes, he said, "Of course." But I didn't believe him, it wasn't convincing enough and to me it seemed insincere. After all, he never showed this much remorse in the past for having cheated on me. So why now? And yet now, he was showing remorse for having slept with me - and it seemed that his guilt/remorse was for her.

I cried and told him that I loved him and wanted him to come back. He said, "You should find someone else, someone better." I said, "I don't want anyone else, there is no one else, I can't live without you." I reminded him that we were still married, and he said, "I know." I tried to convince him not to feel guilty and told him that any promise he's made to anyone else doesn't matter... He said "I shouldn't have done it. I'm confused..."

At some point, he said he had to go, and got out of bed. I was no longer crying and I stood in front of him said, "The 'in love' feeling only lasts a couple of years." He looked at me and said, "There's too much that you had done to me." I was shocked that he was still looking to blame me, and I replied, "And there has been too much that you had done to me too!" And he replied, "Yeah, so that's why it will never be fixed." I said, "But we're soulmates, we can fix this." And he replied, "We were never able to fix it before." I said, "That's because we never tried. We can fix this." He said "Nothing's impossible but..." I saw that he was trying to argue a case so I said, "Nothing's impossible, so please don't answer now, just think about it, I'm not asking you to come back right now, but someday." He didn't say anything and got dressed.

I asked him to stay longer but he said he was tired. I told him I didn't want to be alone, so he said he'd drop me off where our daughter and her friends were, and insisted I go...

On the drive there, I brought up the OW's new business (which I just discovered online and which I believe he's either helping her to start or starting with her). I brought it up by asking him if he would help me if I wanted to start a business. He asked what kind of business. I told him I saw the OW new business website. He said she was doing it on her own. I told him that I knew that he was helping her with his contacts, and even letting her use his mother's address. He was annoyed and didn't answer.

[graceallday]

have your read the book...DR? I feel really bad for you...I think you just did all the things they say not to do.....im so sorry for your pain.....please read the book if you have not

[dl443322]

Oh T, I am so sorry you are here, but this is one of the best places to be.

First of all, did you read "Divorce Remedy?" If you didnt, you really should.

Please, please, please do not do what you have done again. Do not talk about your relationship with your h. Do not cry, plead or beg. Do not snoop and look things up about the ow. Do not talk about the OW. Your h wanted to get out of there as fast as he could because it was all pressure on him.

Now the do's. First, take care of you. Try really hard to be kind to yourself. You need to start living life for you. You will see that we talk about GAL - Getting a life. Find something you love and do it. Go out with friends and your daughter. Move forward in your life and let your h blow in the wind right now.

Hang in there.

[trampledheart]

Thank you for reading my post...

I bought DB and DR over a year ago and read some parts of each, but so much had been going on that I just never got around to finishing them. I also felt that my situation was just so difficult, that so much pain and damage had been done, my family and friends tell me that I should just get a divorce...

He doesn't feel that our home is his home. He lies constantly, kept everything a secret, never gave us a chance. I tried to get him to go to a MC but he didn't want to go and made excuses over and over till I just gave up. He was never interested in saving our marriage. He's living with OW who is almost 20 years younger than me, that he met through work. He wants me to move on...

[trampledheart]

BM,

I have a tough time GAL... I always have to contact him to remind him and bug him about paying bills. He had been getting more and more selfish about financial support, cutting back on providing enough and pushing me to get a job. I got a contract position that was lasted for about less than 2 months.

I know I shouldn't snoop did stop for a while when I couldn't take it anymore. But recently I found out that he's going on a 2 week vacation to Europe with OW (who is from Europe) and had used our frequent flyer miles to purchase the tickets...

I don't want to this pain anymore but something always happens...how do you detach from H if you have to hound him to pay bills?

[LolaL]

Hi TH:

I want to give you a little insight, and hopefully help you to detach a bit.

I am just going to give you straight up, and please don't think that does not mean I dont know what you are going through. But the best way to handle this is straight up, because the quicker you get on the bandwagon, the saner you will be.

First of all, don't depend on your H. Get a job, pay your bills. That way you won't have to depend on him to give you money to pay them. I am not sure where you live, but I know certain states have provisions for spousal support. And there are temporary orders, which means that you can visit an attorney and get something through the court that will enforce the support from your H, and usually they will deduct it right from his paycheck. One thing I have learned from my experience with this is when I handle my own problems on my own, my H actually respects me more. There is something to be said about a strong, independent woman. Don't get me wrong, I miss him, and I wish he was there to support me. But he can't right now, and so I don't expect anymore than he is willing to give.

I have read your post, and can see MLC written all over it. The first thing you need to accept is that there is nothing you can do to speed this process. It is a growing experience that some individuals go through, and this may mean he has to go away for a while. This will not be the same man you married.

The question you have to ask yourself is do you want to save your marriage. The things you will have to do will benefit this, but in the long run, they will also benefit you.

1. Dont snoop. It will bring no good, and will only hurt. I used to snoop through H's cell records until I realized that I didn't know the numbers he was calling, and it only drove me crazy. Let him be.

2. Really listen to his complaints. Is there any validity to them?

3. Look at yourself in the mirror. If you could change anything, what would it be?

4. Remember DB and DR are designed to make you the best you possible. Think of who you want to be, regardless of whether your M resolves, or not.

There are no guarantees that your M will resolve, but there are no guarantees that it won't. You have to move on with your life with no expectations, negative or positive. Find you.

You will get tons of advice here. We have all been where you are. But the one piece of advice I am going to give you may help you on the road to detaching.

My counselor told me to view my M as if I was an outsider looking in. When I did, I realized I was pushy, needy, begging, pleading, and that if I were an outsider, I would think I was a psycho nut. I stopped. It wasn't easy. You want to have that communication, that connection. But right now, it's just not there. You cannot force it. And so you have to let him go. If he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, you will be stronger.

Now, I know it doesn't feel like this now. I was the same way about a year ago when I first came to this board. I did not realize my H was MLC, or PTSD, or whatever crisis he was in. What I realized through all my posting, and the support I have found is that time will tell. Learn patience. You will need it.

Is your marriage worth saving? If so, quit talking to your friends and family about it. I read that they are advising you to divorce your H. Realize this: they do not like seeing you in pain, and it is only for their own self preservation that they will tell you to chalk it up and move on. The decision has to be yours, come from within you.

Read everything you can on MLC. I will warn you about the open chat rooms; I visited one once and they were vicious. They wanted to know why I would possibly put up with this craziness. The reason: I love my H. I vowed to stand by him through good times and bad. This is one of the bad.

If you have email, email your H until you are financially stable enough to pay the bills on your own. NO MORE PHONE CONTACT. Keep it short, simple, and business like. Right now, that is all it is. Do not be readily available to him if he calls. Take this time to refocus your efforts on you, rather than the M. There will need to be changes made, and only you can decide what those changes are.

I will keep up w/ your posts, feel free to ask any questions. Lola

[trampledheart]

Hi Lola,

Thanks for your advice and insight.

Since H became inconsistent in the providing any funds from Aug/Sept 08, I got an attorney and petitioned for a legal separation at the end of Feb 09 but I still haven't served him yet. I did this so that I could then ask the courts for temporary spousal support.

No doubt my H finds independent, strong woman attractive, in fact, I think that's why he's with this OW now. Their earnings are/were probably about the same, she may have even made more than H since she was hired and sent over here by the European parent company... Having been a stay at home mom that occasionally worked part time here and there, I wouldn't be able to earn 1/4 of what they each earn independently. I also found, while working a short-time contract job, that a demanding full time job is nearly impossible for me while going through this emotional time. Maybe if I found a less demanding job or a part time job...

Snooping is not a good thing but since he was so secretive about everything, and never communicated anything at all, I tried to find out what was happening. There was a point in time where may daughter and I had no idea where he even lived! He never initiated any contact.

Initially his complaint was that I shouldn't have to know any of his communications with his 32-year-old female boss, he said that it's not my business. He spent 80% of his time with her, traveling together, and also at the office. He became disconnected from our family-life and me, and became extremely connected with her. His main complaint after he left our home was that I wasn't taking any steps to become financially independent of him. I probably do come across as pushy, needy, begging, pleading, and sometimes psycho when he's extremely selfish. We fight mostly over his lack of sufficient financial support.

We do not have any phone contact at all. In fact, that’s what started all this in the first place! He had stopped answering my calls while on a 5-day business trip with her... Now, he only responds to emails or text messages, that is, if he chooses to reply...

Thank you for offering to keep up on my posts, I appreciate your advice and help. I think that maybe by my responses to your posts, I'll be able to give you more insight into my situation.

I also hope others will give me their points of views and support as well.

Thank you all and hope we all overcome these hard times together...

[MrBond]

TH,

I'm very sorry for the pain you're going through. I can't imagine going through it for 2 years.

First off, read the DR and DB books thoroughly. They are a lifesaver. I think if you would have read them carefully in the beginning, you wouldn't be in this position.

Cut off all contact from your H. He's disrespecting you and that is something you do not deserve. If he likes strong and confident women, then show him that's what you are. You can survive without him.

Show him how strong you are. Take up the moments thinking of him by reading and working on you.

Take care.

[trampledheart]

Thank you stuck808,

2 years has really been more than I can take. That's why I had started to file for legal separation. And maybe because taking those legal steps could really put me at the point-of-no-return, I tried to rekindle a physical relationship and made love with him Friday night after having set that a boundary against it a year ago...

I will read the DB and DR books thoroughly now... I too feel I should've done that a year ago... But in all honesty, do you think it may actually be too late to get him back? I know it would help me either way to read and learn to GAL and make changes in myself to become stronger... I just feel he's with this OW because she my complete opposite, a strong, independent, German career-minded woman. I don't know how I could beat that having been a stay at home mom.

But I do value your advice and hope to hear from you and others to gain my strength back... Actually, when we my H and I first met, he found me to be a strong independent woman. But motherhood was most important to me and I devoted my life to that... Also, the throughout our relationship, there had been other infidelities before which hadn't helped my confidence...

Thanks for your advise.

[MrBond]

"I don't know how I could beat that having been a stay at home mom."

Let me tell you something. I think being a SAM is the toughest job in the world. I don't think his OM could last a day dealing with a bunch of kids, cleaning the home, cooking meals, etc. It comes down to one thing...CONFIDENCE.

For goodness sake, if you went through the pain of childbirth and carrying another person inside you, then you have gone through much more than a "career-minded" woman ever has. You are worthy. You have strength beyond measure. The only person who can say that you can't do something is you. You don't need your H to help you do anything. Do research on the web or the library. Go out and have fun. I have a feeling you haven't been doing much of that. Get yourself a physical makeover - hair, wardrobe, etc. Once you start looking beautiful, you'll start to FEEL beautiful and strong.

You definitely shouldn't have thrown yourself at him, but that's the old you. Work on the new you. Make it so that the next time he sees you, his eyes will fall out of his head. Remember the last scene in the movie "Grease" when Sandy gets the makeover? That's what you need. A new look and a new attitude.

Also it's important to detach. Detach so that you don't care one way or the other how he feels about you.

You can do it!