HELP! Is ML to try to reconnect a mistake?

[LolaL]

Hi TH:

I want to give you a little insight, and hopefully help you to detach a bit.

I am just going to give you straight up, and please don't think that does not mean I dont know what you are going through. But the best way to handle this is straight up, because the quicker you get on the bandwagon, the saner you will be.

First of all, don't depend on your H. Get a job, pay your bills. That way you won't have to depend on him to give you money to pay them. I am not sure where you live, but I know certain states have provisions for spousal support. And there are temporary orders, which means that you can visit an attorney and get something through the court that will enforce the support from your H, and usually they will deduct it right from his paycheck. One thing I have learned from my experience with this is when I handle my own problems on my own, my H actually respects me more. There is something to be said about a strong, independent woman. Don't get me wrong, I miss him, and I wish he was there to support me. But he can't right now, and so I don't expect anymore than he is willing to give.

I have read your post, and can see MLC written all over it. The first thing you need to accept is that there is nothing you can do to speed this process. It is a growing experience that some individuals go through, and this may mean he has to go away for a while. This will not be the same man you married.

The question you have to ask yourself is do you want to save your marriage. The things you will have to do will benefit this, but in the long run, they will also benefit you.

1. Dont snoop. It will bring no good, and will only hurt. I used to snoop through H's cell records until I realized that I didn't know the numbers he was calling, and it only drove me crazy. Let him be.

2. Really listen to his complaints. Is there any validity to them?

3. Look at yourself in the mirror. If you could change anything, what would it be?

4. Remember DB and DR are designed to make you the best you possible. Think of who you want to be, regardless of whether your M resolves, or not.

There are no guarantees that your M will resolve, but there are no guarantees that it won't. You have to move on with your life with no expectations, negative or positive. Find you.

You will get tons of advice here. We have all been where you are. But the one piece of advice I am going to give you may help you on the road to detaching.

My counselor told me to view my M as if I was an outsider looking in. When I did, I realized I was pushy, needy, begging, pleading, and that if I were an outsider, I would think I was a psycho nut. I stopped. It wasn't easy. You want to have that communication, that connection. But right now, it's just not there. You cannot force it. And so you have to let him go. If he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, you will be stronger.

Now, I know it doesn't feel like this now. I was the same way about a year ago when I first came to this board. I did not realize my H was MLC, or PTSD, or whatever crisis he was in. What I realized through all my posting, and the support I have found is that time will tell. Learn patience. You will need it.

Is your marriage worth saving? If so, quit talking to your friends and family about it. I read that they are advising you to divorce your H. Realize this: they do not like seeing you in pain, and it is only for their own self preservation that they will tell you to chalk it up and move on. The decision has to be yours, come from within you.

Read everything you can on MLC. I will warn you about the open chat rooms; I visited one once and they were vicious. They wanted to know why I would possibly put up with this craziness. The reason: I love my H. I vowed to stand by him through good times and bad. This is one of the bad.

If you have email, email your H until you are financially stable enough to pay the bills on your own. NO MORE PHONE CONTACT. Keep it short, simple, and business like. Right now, that is all it is. Do not be readily available to him if he calls. Take this time to refocus your efforts on you, rather than the M. There will need to be changes made, and only you can decide what those changes are.

I will keep up w/ your posts, feel free to ask any questions. Lola