First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone that has posted their story on this forum. With the rollercoaster ride of emotions and feelings that I have been feeling the last four weeks, I felt like I was the only one out there. Unfortunately, it feels like this rollercoaster only heads down. From reading through various posts on here, it looks like there are many more people in similar, if not exact, situations. Not that I would wish this experience on anyone, it is comforting to know that there are others out there that have/are going through this.
I guess that I will start with where I am at and how I got here (or at least my best guess). My wife and I have been married for five years and we were together for ten years prior to that. Essentially, we have been together for half of our lives. I was 15 when we started going out and she was 14. I am now 30 and she is 29. Another unique twist on our situation is that we met in Saudi Arabia. My father worked there for four years and I went to school there. We had a lot of ups and downs with the long distance relationship when I moved back to the states when I was 18. Fortunately, she moved back ~9 months after me and we were able to continue our relationship.
On Sunday, March 8th I returned home from a weekend fishing trip with my brother. I said my usual "Hi Honey" when I walked through the door and walked into the living room. When I got into the living room, I could tell that my wife was upset (her arms were crossed and she had been crying). I immediately went up to her to ask what was wrong and she said that we needed to talk. She proceeded to tell me that she had been unhappy in our marriage for a while now (2 years) and wanted to separate. She felt that we had just become acquaintances and had grown apart. She said that she didn't know if she was IN love with me any longer, although she knew that she loved me. This was the last thing that I would have ever expected to hear and it completely knocked me to the ground. We had not been fighting, there were no major stresses (money, kids, etc..), and leading up to this things seemed very normal to me (talking, going out, hanging out, romance, etc...).
Not believing what I was hearing, I immediately began asking if there was anything else we could do (counseling, me move to a friends, separate bedrooms, etc..). She insisted that she felt the only way that she could be happy would be by moving to her own place. Initially she was completely against marriage counseling, but I did get her to agree to go. After a while of me trying to negotiate, I finally told her that I don't agree with her decision, but I do support her in her decision. By Thursday, March 12th she had signed a 6 month lease on an apartment and on Saturday March 14th she moved out. Needless to say, I was devastated and felt that my world was crashing down on me.
To top everything off, March 12th was our five year wedding anniversary and our 15 year anniversary of being together. We went out and had a nice dinner together, although my mind was racing with all of this going on. She did take me to her apartment before moving in and we checked everything out. It was sad, but I was thankful that she let be a part of that. I have not been there since she moved in. I didn't help her move her things, it was just too hard for me to see that happen. When I walked in the house after she had left, it brought me to my knees. It didn't even feel like our home any longer.
One of the hardest things to deal with is how cold and distant she became in what seemed overnight. It was like she had made up her mind on what she was doing and didn't want to be influenced in any way. This was a side of her that I had never seen in our 15 years of being together. She didn't want to hold hands, kiss or even talk about the situation. It hurt.
I went to an individual counseling session on March 19th and it went well. The counselor told me to make sure and listen to my wife and give her what she needs. The hard part about this is that my wife says she is confused and doesn't know what she needs/wants. This makes the situation that much more confusing for me. We have now gone to two joint counselling sessions and one individual evaluation session each. Last night the counselor had our evaluation session where he evaluates the state of our marriage. In a nutshell, it went as I expected. There are some serious issues that will have to be re-built for this marriage to stand a chance. He didn't offer hope that the marriage will survive or not. Just that they are going to teach us what and why things went wrong. I am not sure if it makes a difference, but the counselors are trained under Dr. John Gottman and use his methodology.
I have ordered three books that haven't arrived yet; The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Relationship Cure, and of course Divorce Busting. I am really looking forward to them getting here. I will keep the Divorce Busting book private to myself, but I will share the other two books with my wife as they written by Dr. Gottman and are the principles that we are going over in counseling.
In terms of contact, I have tried to give her the space that she needs. I was calling, texting and emailing a couple of times per day in the first couple of weeks, but I have tried quitting those things as well. I was proud of myself because I went two days of not making contact this week and trying to keep myself occupied. I have some great friends and we have spent 2-3 hours in the gym every night. I am certainly leaning on my friends harder than I ever have. We spoke briefly this morning and she asked that I call her this afternoon so that we can discuss last nights counselling session. She was sick last night and we didn't visit very much when the session ended.
Needless to say, I am still very confused with all of this. I don't know when it is ok to talk to her, when it isn't. If it ok to suggest going to dinner, or if it isn't. I am trying to pick myself up and prove to myself that I will come out of this situation ok no matter which direction it turns. I will be ok and things will get better, I just need to learn patience. I sincerely love my wife and want our marriage to pull through this more than anything. I feel in my heart that we can work through this and make the necessary changes to succeed. I just hope that she finds it in her to give us a shot.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Sorry your hear, although, my wife did not move out, I am here to tell you that db'ing works.
It sounds like you are starting off great. Read the book when it gets to you. My wife said no to counseling at first all together as she wanted to quit on us, but now we are both going and things are looking great, 3 months removed from her wanting a divorce.
Do not call her, let her call you. Do not ask her out for dinner, go out with your friends to dinner. She will be drawn in like a moth to light.
Remember, when you chase a dog he runs, when you stop and turn around he follows.
I wondered if there was someone else also. I asked her directly and she looked me in the eyes and said that there isn't and never has been. I have spoke with her best friends and even her mother, none of them had any idea that she was unhappy and was thinking of leaving. It surprised them just as much as it did me. None of the people that she is close to believe that there is someone else.
I can't know for sure, but I do believe her that there isn't someone else in the picture right now. The only sign that I can see is her wanting to get out on her own for some time. She was never secretive with phone calls, emails and such. I never got the feeling that she was trying to hide something.
I guess only time will tell.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Thank you for the reminder regarding cheaters. I certainly agree with you 100%. I am definitely on heightened alert and have not ruled out the possibility.
I am really feeling torn right now. Do I try to completely detach at this stage? Do I try and apply the concepts that the marriage counselor is suggesting? So far she says it is ok for us to talk, text and email. She still gives me a kiss and a hug when we see each other and when we depart. She tells me that she loves me when we hang up the phone.
She asked that I send her a text message when I leave this afternoon so that she can call me back and we can discuss last night's counseling session. Should I follow through with texting her and seeing if she calls back?
I know that she is probably just as confused and scared as I am right now. My natural instinct is to try and protect her and take her pain away, but I know that I can't do that.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Well, we had our "talk" about how the previous couselling session went on Friday afternoon. Needless to say, it went as I feared it would. She essentially took all of the challenging and negative comments that the counselor said to build a case about why she thinks that we won't be able to work things out. Additionally, she said that she doesn't know if she wants to try and work anything out with me. The counsellor acknowledged that we have some significant challenges to work through. The analogy that he used was by asking my wife if she could run a marathon (she is a runner). She responded by saying that it would take dedication and training. The counsellor responded by saying that our marriage will take the same if we want it to succeed.
Undoubtedly, this is the hardest thing that I have gone through. I have spent half of my life with this person and have never heard or seen her in this state. She has always been the optimistic upbeat one.
As far as the weekend went. After the bad call with the wife on Friday, I went to the lake with my brother. Even with the down moments, I had a good time. I got a good 3 hour workout in the gym tonight to burn off some of the anxiety and swirling thoughts. I haven't texted, emailed or called her since Friday. Our next contact will likely be on Wednesday night at our next marriage counselling session (if she shows).
One other thing that I did was her removed as an authorized user on my two credit cards. I didn't talk to her about doing this, because I am trying to have as little contact as possible. I hope that this doesn't make her angry or push her further away, but I was concerned that I needed to protect myself.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Thanks for your comments on my thread. Of course I'm new here too, but I read your thread and I'd encourage you to read the Divorce Remedy too. I found it to be a better fit for applying the 180, "as if", etc. concepts and I think you might find it useful.
My two cents would be to really, really give her some space now that she's moved into the apt. Occasionally, call or text, etc. and start a journal or post it here so you can record what you tried, and how it worked.
I echo your concerns over closing accounts/taking spouse's name off the cards and how spouse will 'feel' about that. I think the conventional wisdom here would be not to worry about with your W thinks about that right now - just take of yourself and make good choices for you. Let her see that you're strong, you're taking care of yourself, and you'll be fine without her. Working on GAL, like your long workouts, and being with friends. I'm feeling much better than I did two weeks ago by working on GAL for what it's worth.
One other thing that I did was her removed as an authorized user on my two credit cards. I didn't talk to her about doing this, because I am trying to have as little contact as possible. I hope that this doesn't make her angry or push her further away, but I was concerned that I needed to protect myself.
Very smart move. She will probably scream like a banshee when she finds out, but it was the right thing to do. You do need to focus on you right now and detach from her.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Very smart move. She will probably scream like a banshee when she finds out, but it was the right thing to do. You do need to focus on you right now and detach from her.
Thank you for the encouragement. It felt like the right thing to do, but I also felt scared about doing it. I guess technically she has walked out on this marriage right now any how. If things work out, great, I can always add her back (which is what I am hoping for!). If things don't work, then I didn't lose anything.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
