Is this normal? Need some advice

[disneylove97]

So, yesterday was not so good. H called me at work to tell me that I either needed to bring the kids some food since he had none and didn't have a way of getting any or that I needed to pick them up. He was like, well I know you have plans (in a super sarcastic way) so maybe you can talk to your mom about getting them. I told him I'd see what I could do but that I doubted she would get them. I pretended to call my mom and then called him and told him that the only thing I could do was to order a pizza for dinner and then bring some food for the next day. I was not about to cancel my plans because he was being dumb. He was like, fine whatever I have to go. Then he texts me a couple of minutes later and says don't worry about the kids I'll figure something out. So, I was like it's up to you just let me know what you want. The next text says, you know what I f'ing want. Then right after he says, I either need you to bring food or pick them up bottom line. So I repeated what I was going to do and asked him where I could order the pizza. He was like, you're ordering it you figure it out. So I just said ok I'll let you know.

I get out of work and text him that I'm going to go home and change (got up late) and then I'd be over with some food. I'm getting ready and I get a text from him asking if I was on my way yet. I answered him at 7:30 and told him I was on my way. He was like, are you f'ing kidding me? It's nice to see that your night out is more important than feeding your kids. I totally ignored that last one. Normally I would have defended myself and tried to justify what I was doing. Not this time.

What I really wanted to say was EXCUSE ME?!?! You're the one calling me because you have no food to feed your kids and you're being rude to me? You're lucky I'm doing this.

I got there, dropped the food off, talked to the kids for a little bit and left. I must say I looked good since I was dressed to go out. Not too sure if he noticed. I did go over to where he was sitting to ask him about when his parents would be picking up the kids and sitting next to him on the table was a guide to getting divorced. I started to ask him about it but then quickly brushed it off saying well that's not important right now.

Is this normal? I have no idea why he acted like this. Especially since he has freedom to do what he wants every day of the week. Now he's back to the angry wanting to get a divorce guy. I don't know what happened. Friday he was so different it seemed like we were on friendly terms, you know? Now it's all back to the way it was. It's so confusing. I know I need to just live life and stop trying to analyze everything, but it's hard for me since I'm the kind who likes to find the motivations behind all peoples' actions.

[antlers]

I think it's hard to try to 'read' what our separated spouses are thinking or meaning when they say hurtful things to us. Just realize that hurting people say hurtful things. They aren't thinking right right now. I've been told to not believe anything they're saying while they're 'in the fog'. I'm going to try to do it.

[PortlandDad]

Meli,
Mood swings for the WAS are completely normal and they vacillate between wanting out, and wanting back. It's called a roller-coaster for the LBS because their moods and attitudes change so often. This is why detaching and working on ourselves is so important: don't let them take you on that ride! Loving Detachment so you can work on yourself and your kids decouples your emotions from his and adds stability to your life.

As far as this specific situation goes, I think you handled it pretty well. Something you might want to consider for any future episodes like this, though, is to make sure to set boundaries and communicate those boundaries to your H. If it is your Hs time to be with the kids, then he is responsible for them while he has them. You were being kind to order the pizza, but in a way it shows him that he can still walk over you when it is convenient for him.

Of course, you need to take care of the kids, and if they would have gone hungry without your help, then you did the right thing. Just draw your boundaries and let him know firmly that your time and plans are important too, and if he is going to have the kids then he needs to plan ahead. Another thing to consider, and it looks like you were doing this already selectively, is to make yourself 'unavailable' when you are on your time. Let the answering machine get the calls, don't respond to text messages, etc.

You are doing fine so far. Detach. GAL. Get off the roller-coaster.

[disneylove97]

Yeah, I'm not going to let it get to me. It wasn't something I expected from him since he's been so into living our own lives and wanting to be free to do his own thing and not have to answer to anyone. I can't figure out his reasons or thoughts behind it. If I could then I'd be a millionaire and we'd all be really happy people. I'm just going to keep up with what I've been doing and detaching a little more.

One question, when you say Loving Detachment what does that mean exactly? I'm not sure how to do it without seeming like I either don't care or am ok with the thought of divorce.

P.S.
He im'ed me on yahoo tonight and asked me what I did last night and who I was with. He went on about how hot I looked and how I was probably intimidating to all of the men. I'm not sure if he was probing to see if I went with someone for legal reasons or because he was worried, but it was pretty funny to me.

[PortlandDad]

Meli,
Here's a link to a very good paper on loving detachment. I think it explains the principle very well.

lLoving Detachment

The bottom line is LD shouldn't feel like 'not caring', but closer to 'OK with thoughts of divorce'. That is what you want to project to your Sp. Once they see that you are OK with moving on, it becomes them that has second thoughts.

As it was explained so eloquently in Thinkers thread,

"If you chase a dog, he runs away. If you stop and walk the other way, he follows." It works with people, too.

Hope you had a nice weekend!

[SmileysPerson]

PortlandDad -- outstanding link! Exactly what I've been looking for, too. Meliru: I've been trying this myself in my sitch, but not very efficiently. No results to report, but it sounds like the right course of action in lots of ways.