HELP! Is ML to try to reconnect a mistake?

[trampledheart]

I welcome any comments/questions or insights. I waver from feeling like just throwing in the towel to wanting to save my marriage. Maybe it's actually over and I just can't let go. All I know for sure is that I've been through hell these past 2 years. Initially, I thought H was going through MLC, but now maybe he's a WAH and I'm having major problems detaching? Please let me know what you think...

We've been separated for about to 2 yrs now. In the beginning of separation, H occasionally would spend the night at home or come over and we would still sometimes ML. After a while, I began to feel used since nothing seemed to get resolved. I complained about it and he said it was "only sex"... so after that, I felt I needed to set boundaries and told him we can't ML anymore. It had been a year since the last time we ML and I guess I wanted to reconnect since we had gotten so far apart...

Friday night I told him I was feeling overwhelmed (house related issue) and asked if he would come over. Our daughter and her friends were over when he got here, so he hung out and had a couple of drinks with them before they left for the evening. After they left, H said he was tired and was going home too, but I asked if he would stay longer and he said only for a little while. I asked if he would cuddle with me, and we ended up ML. I'm wondering whether that was a good thing or not... What is confusing me now, is what happened right afterwards...

So after we ML, H wanted to get up and out of bed immediately! I panicked and said "Wait, I told you that I just wanted to cuddle, not to have sex...please, let's cuddle!" He said, "I shouldn't have done that, it was a mistake, I was drunk." (He was not drunk but I think he wanted to put that in my head because last month, when he tried to ML, I texted the OW and told her about it out of anger towards him.)

But now I really wanted to reconnect. I asked, "Why? Why do you say you shouldn't have done it?" And he said, "Because we're not together." (He tried to get up out of bed so he wouldn't have to talk, but I pulled him back in bed.)

My first impression was that he was feeling guilty - guilty that he "wronged" the OW that he's now living with (he had previously told me that it was a "long-term relationship").

I cried and told him that I loved him and that I wanted him to come back home, that I'm still waiting for him to come back. He got a little teary-eyed and said "that's not good for you. It's been too long, we've been separated for 2 years... too much had been done." I asked him if he loved me (no response), so I kept asking. He had his arms up covering his eyes somewhat. I couldn't get clarity on his responses because I was all panicky. In the past, he would always run away whenever I tried to have any relationship talks and I really needed to know what was going on in his head. Finally he said, "I'm not 'in love' with you. In some ways, I still love you and always will, but it's different now, it's not like in the beginning."

I asked him if he loved her (I can't seem to remember him verbalizing it, but I think he either said or meant 'yes' with whatever way he responded or didn't respond.) I asked him if he loved her more than me, and he said, "It's like how it was for us in the beginning."

He mumbled that he shouldn't have done that, so I asked if he was feeling guilty because of her? "Because of you, it's not good for you." Convinced that he was really feeling guilty for having cheated on her, I asked whether he felt guilty for her sake, and he said, "It's wrong to do that to someone..." I asked whether he ever felt guilty for having cheated on me in the past. With his arms still partially shielding his eyes, he said, "Of course." But I didn't believe him, it wasn't convincing enough and to me it seemed insincere. After all, he never showed this much remorse in the past for having cheated on me. So why now? And yet now, he was showing remorse for having slept with me - and it seemed that his guilt/remorse was for her.

I cried and told him that I loved him and wanted him to come back. He said, "You should find someone else, someone better." I said, "I don't want anyone else, there is no one else, I can't live without you." I reminded him that we were still married, and he said, "I know." I tried to convince him not to feel guilty and told him that any promise he's made to anyone else doesn't matter... He said "I shouldn't have done it. I'm confused..."

At some point, he said he had to go, and got out of bed. I was no longer crying and I stood in front of him said, "The 'in love' feeling only lasts a couple of years." He looked at me and said, "There's too much that you had done to me." I was shocked that he was still looking to blame me, and I replied, "And there has been too much that you had done to me too!" And he replied, "Yeah, so that's why it will never be fixed." I said, "But we're soulmates, we can fix this." And he replied, "We were never able to fix it before." I said, "That's because we never tried. We can fix this." He said "Nothing's impossible but..." I saw that he was trying to argue a case so I said, "Nothing's impossible, so please don't answer now, just think about it, I'm not asking you to come back right now, but someday." He didn't say anything and got dressed.

I asked him to stay longer but he said he was tired. I told him I didn't want to be alone, so he said he'd drop me off where our daughter and her friends were, and insisted I go...

On the drive there, I brought up the OW's new business (which I just discovered online and which I believe he's either helping her to start or starting with her). I brought it up by asking him if he would help me if I wanted to start a business. He asked what kind of business. I told him I saw the OW new business website. He said she was doing it on her own. I told him that I knew that he was helping her with his contacts, and even letting her use his mother's address. He was annoyed and didn't answer.