I've been reading the various forums for a week now and finally have got around to writing about my situation - long and complicated - we would have been married 23 years this July. I have a son (30)from my first marriage and a daughter 22 (in college in Fl) and another son 21 (living and working in DC) from my current marriage. My husband's father is an alcoholic, his older sister is an alcoholic and his youngest sister is a compulsive eater. My husband's addiction is work. His relationship with his father was not good when I met him, his mother was a "saint". Like all marriages we had our ups and downs - a lot caused by my husband's obssession with work - 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. He was hardly ever home when the children were young, he'd work 100+ hours a week, sometimes he'd work 48/72 hours straight with no sleep. Worst time was when he was putting in all these hours and his paychecks were bouncing, we were $$$$$ in debt, three months behind on the mortgage etc. But we made it through, got all the debt paid of, mortage caught up and house paid for. When the younger children started school full time I started working part-time - couldn't really work full time as my husband was never around and someone needed to be here for the children. As my husband became more successful financially, his father who always sneered at his work ethic became a lot more complimentary. (He worked in the same field as his father). During this time I found a hobby that I loved and was good at, showing and breeding dogs. Going to dog shows, I could take the children with me, they enjoyed the trips, it became a pretty absorbing hobby but as my husband was always working it was easy to get absorbed. He was always very attached to his eldest sister, she had a son three years younger than my youngest and generally once a year my husband would take the children on mini vacations with his sister and her child (camping, skiing etc). I was happy enough to stay home (hate camping and not fond of snow) besides it gave me a break from constantly having the children. His sister finally met someone and they got married - her husband is the same age as mine in years but mentally has never quite passed 18 or 19. But my husband thought he was great - he had ATV's, snowmobiles, motorbikes, fast cars, skidoos etc etc so we ended up getting ATV's, snowmobiles, fast cars etc. It was a bizarre time - they got a swimming pool, we had to get a swimming pool (no-one used it), they got a full size pool table, so did we, we got a boat, they got a boat (bigger). My daughter got a horse, they got a horse (they can't ride). They bought a house in upstate NY (snowmobile country) and my husband started taking off weekends to go snowmobiling. My husband started to work more at home so after the initial adjustment I had to make of never having him around to having him home a lot - things were great. We bought a bigger house and moved. Then things started to go bad (for me). I slipped and broke my ankle and on top of that the health problems I'd been blithely ignoring for years came to head and later that year I had to have a hysterectomy. My husband is rarely sick, has never been in hospital in his life and doesn't have a great deal of understanding for anyone who is sick. So it was a tough time for me and I became somewhat introspective as I dealt with the major upheavals in my life. (This was 7 years ago). Five years ago my husband decided to take over the business from his boss - I wasn't happy about the idea as this would mean that once more he'd be working very long hours and with a long commute on top, but I supported his decision (with reservations). So the long hours started, he come home and be asleep by 8 p.m. and he'd leave at 3 a.m. to start his day. Two years ago I agreed that he ought to get an appartment near his shop so he could spend one or two nights a week without the long commute home. He was still going snowmobiling weekends in the winter and he'd also away on ATV weekends with BIL. I found it hard to understand why he had to do this when he was hardly ever home but tried to be reasonable about it (not give him a hard time). In November 2007 his father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer - the entire family went into panic mode. His father had surgery in early 2008 - surgery was successful and he went through the chemo and is presumably in remission. Husband and his family practically camped out at the hospital - I was concerned and I asked on his father's progress almost daily, I didn't visit (figured there were way too many people camped out there and besides I'm not good in hospitals). Besides a trip down to NYC would be take me a good six hours there and back and with the dogs and my daughter's horse that I was stuck looking after I couldn't leave for any great length of time. At the same time the business was doing really well and my husband was making a lot of money and he decided to totally renovate the house so for close to ten months the house was completely turned upside down every day while bathrooms were torn out, floors were pulled up, kitchen was completely re-modelled etc. Every day was more dirt, more dust that I had to clean and of course my husband wasn't home very much. He also decided that he could no longer "relax" at home and weekends when he was home he had to be out doing things, he wanted me to accompany him and I did my best. We went on a trip to the Bahamas (I had to get both a dog sitter and someone else to look after the horse). We went on a weekend trip to Washington DC to visit our son (daughter was home from school so could look after everything here). We generally went out on Sundays - out to lunch, day trips to various places etc. We had planned to go down to Washington DC to see our son on New Year's Day and stay for a couple of days - NYE I got really sick (stomach bug) he was furious that I couldn't leave for Washington on NYD (I could barely get out of bed). We did end up going on the Friday, but I was pretty miserable (this is now another black mark against me) and I didn't want to stay till Sunday - all I wanted to was go back home (we left on the Saturday). So fast forward to January, he'd been coming home less and less during the week (weather was bad, car broke down). Martin Luther King weekend he went snowmobiling - he didn't have a good time though because his sister and BIL didn't go. Superbowl weekend he went off upstate again - he hadn't been home at all that week, just came home Friday afternoon to get his stuff for snowmobiling and left. Said he'd be home early Sunday for Superbowl. He never showed up Sunday and didn't come home until Monday morning. He left for work immediately saying he'd be home that evening - 4 p.m. Monday he calls and says he's too tired to come home, but he'd be home Tuesday. Tuesday the weather was too bad to come home. He finally walked in the house 6.30 p.m. Wednesday evening by which time yeah I was pretty mad. We had a row and he walked out. I tried calling him - he refused to return my calls. Finally spoke to him on the Sunday when he told me he wouldn't be coming home. Then he sent me an e-mail saying he'd be home Monday to talk about things. So he came home and proceeded to tell me how I'd made his life miserable for years and that he no longer wanted to spend the rest of his life living like that. He left. I got into the cell phone records and discovered he'd been having constant communication with some woman from his past - multiple phone calls and 20/30 text messages a day between them. President's day weekend he went to Florida to visit his parents (this trip had already been planned) and took our grandson with him. I saw him on the Monday when he got back (had to pick up our grandchild from the airport). We talked for a while and he agreed to come back home on Tuesday. Tuesday he texted me saying he'd change his mind and wasn't coming home. I found a marriage counsellor and he agreed to go for counselling - went to three sessions and then told me he wasn't interested. The phone/text affair ended after about a month. He doesn't communicate with me at all - well I have to remind him every week to send his paychecks home so I can keep paying all the bills but that's about it. He spends his weekends out on Long Island bar hopping with his sister and BIL - claims to be "saving" their marriage. My eldest son tried talking to him a few times and my husband told him that he has no obligation to anyone and he's going to do whatever he wants. It's also now gone from being unhappy for a few years to "twenty-three years of hell". I'm also turning the children against him - actually I don't have to do anything he's doing quite well on his own. I found DB site whilst looking on another site re MLC - I've had one session so far with Jody. She advised going "dark" - which of course I'd been doing the complete opposite of (crying, calling him - he ignored my calls, e-mails - ignored those too, promising to change, taking all the blame etc). So here I sit, I've been doing things, going to the gym - lost all the weight I put on after my hysterectomy. Started ballroom dancing classes, did a bartending course, stil have my dogs though the horse has gone. I'm assuming that he is going through some major mid-life crisis which probably started well over a year ago. Also found out that he'd bought a motorbike last year (my son told me) and that he'd bought another snowmobile (he told me he'd traded in his old one - that was a lie). He'd been buying vast amounts of clothes - when he left he left all his clothes here and hasn't been back for them (12 garbage bags full). So no communication at all with him and he apparently doesn't care whether I'm alive or dead. I'd sure appreciate some sort on insight. Jerri
Jerri Me 50 WAH 47 M 23 years D 22 S 21 S 30 (previous marriage) B 02/09 marriage is over S 02/09 NC
J sorry you find yourdelf here a lot of these mlcers leave their clothes! mine left 2 big cartonfulls and only packed sopme clothes in a white plastic bag to take
Sounds like you are doing the right things Gal, dancing, taking care of yourself, your kids and pets and property Also know these men in MLC spend a lot of money so protect your self and property MLC lasts a long time read the MLC resources and there are many books available jim conway and Sally conway wrote some good ones these men LIE so it is hard to believe much of what they say they Usually have A and OW Mine also went to a few therapy sessions and then found an excuse to stop only thing was he was never willing to admit the fact he was in A at that time and it was A and MLC(who knows what comed first) that pulled him out so i jsut suggest to you continur Counseling read dance take care of you pray mediate let H go give him space and no pressure validate him when you can know this is a crises--This is not your fault peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Forgot to mention he is constantly texting/calling with sister and BIL. However the only people who know he left me are his parents and two sisters. No-one else in his family knows - just like the alcoholism and mental problems that exist in his family are swept under the rug - so is this. His family is very dysfuntional but they pretend everything is fine. But it's his alcoholic sister and BIL he goes to for advice on our situation ..... Jerry
Jerri Me 50 WAH 47 M 23 years D 22 S 21 S 30 (previous marriage) B 02/09 marriage is over S 02/09 NC
When ypu think of it many families are dysfuntcional MY H family was and so was mine we picked eachother for a reason Its good to know what all the issues are I had to start with me knowing what I did wrong In M I also took note of my H His father M the OW left the family when H was young so he never had a father he used to be a good father today I would classify him as a disneyland dad he sees the kids and takes them to the movies x hours a week he is a terrible dad in my eyes so knowing all this we heal ourselves we get better maybe the MLCer will return in time Maybe we will move on into a new and better R with them or another the real Key is to get myself as mentally healthy as possible during this time couseling is so beneficial here good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
It's been nearly a month since I started the LRT. Only communication with him is via e-mail or text and all financial stuff.
I am getting on with my life, ballroom dancing, going to Washington DC this weekend to see my youngest, seeing a counsellor but I'm not even seeing any baby steps of change in him - I'm trying so hard to be patient - but how long should I wait???? Shouldn't there be some sign by now?
Jerri Me 50 WAH 47 M 23 years D 22 S 21 S 30 (previous marriage) B 02/09 marriage is over S 02/09 NC
Jerri, It takes a lot of time to notice the baby steps. The old saying "a watched pot never boils"....this is very true if your h is in mlc. That's why it's very important to pick up the pieces of your life and find a way to live it to the fullest.
Mlc doesn't happen over night....it takes many, many years to finally fester to the surface. The same will apply to the healing process. They do surface periodically and stick their heads out for a peek to see if you are still waiting right where they left you. They test you and then disappear time and time again. Baby steps will come, but on their time clock, not yours.
Come to DC, enjoy the beautiful weather we will have beginning tomorrow through Sunday. See the flowers and trees blooming and just enjoy your time w/your youngest. Leave your h in his dark little hole to turn into a mushroom. In time, he will poke his head out and communicate w/you. For now....do what you've been doing...focusing on you, your family and staying busy.
Thanks so much Snodderly - some days I do better than others. I keep wondering if the LRT technique is right as he claims that I was cold and emotionless - and here I am being oold and emotionless. However the non-cold and emotional sure as hell didn't work.
Looking forward to cherry blossom time - so nice to see everything in bloom after a long, cold winter (and still not too much green in NY).
Jerri Me 50 WAH 47 M 23 years D 22 S 21 S 30 (previous marriage) B 02/09 marriage is over S 02/09 NC
Today I had an electrical problem. Called out an electrician. They had a problem finding the wire that was the main power source for the outlets with no power. (Our house is wired really strange). So ended up having to call H to see if he knew. He was remarkably pleasant to me, somewhat suprised to hear from me and sounded "almost" pleased. I kept it strictly business and when the electrician found the problem (without H's help). I just said "goodbye". Now I wonder if I should drop him an e-mail saying how nice it was to talk to him? Probably shouldn't?
Jerri Me 50 WAH 47 M 23 years D 22 S 21 S 30 (previous marriage) B 02/09 marriage is over S 02/09 NC
)...try and make it a simple "Thanks for the help." It says the same thing without sounding wistful.