Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Back in town.

Talked with MIL during the 24 hours of driving. She thinks I should drop everything, including kids, and just go on with my life and if H even comes back to say "No way, Jose."

D24 and fiance are over at house moving stuff in.

H called me.....wants to be the one to take MIL to "dream house". It's his mother. We ended up in another bad discussion. I asked him if he was going to take OW with him to take MIL to dream house. He said he wasn't going to, that it would be only him and MIL, but didn't like that I asked. I told him I hated asking too and that I get angry at myself, but that thought of him taking his OW and Mom up there to show her the dream house that we worked so hard on for the last 3 years building for "our future" just crushes me. I told H that I knew he was within his rights to do so and I couldn't stop him, but that I had asked him to not take her up there as a simple showing of sensitivity to my feelings in view of all our years together.

Talked with H too much. Not saying anything really new. So stupid. He told me he felt he did give our M everything he could. He doesn't like the person I am who on the spur of the moment offers to bring his mom home with me, or has pets in the house, or who wants to travel.......H's mom tells me to do exactly as I want to and to he** with what H wants......She never cleaned or cooked much and she thinks H will come back on his own when he sees that I don't give a darn about his opinions or need him in any way......I don't think I agree, but I do see the value of living "only for me" which is basically "detaching". She also thinks I should "date" or at least make H think I am dating......

H did mention the option of him supporting me through Nursing school in return for my agreement that the dream house be in his name (but I would have a legal contract for use of it whenever I want.....) Will have to talk to the bankruptcy lawyers about that one.....

Over-all, my vacation was OK. I totally went off my diet but didn't gain too much. The friends and family I saw all were supportive and encouraging and told me that I was a great person and would be OK and that H was being a jerk and would come around.........but I don't know really if I could even ever forgive him now.

The affair with the secretary was something that "just happened" and I could see how it could happen, but now.......this "girl friend" after he said she "just wants to be alone and doesn't have anything to a relationship" and then going with her.......I know that this is par for the course and so many of you on these boards have so very much worse and I am a complete wimp! But the idea of him just sitting on a couch with her, holding her hand, watching TV or something just absoluctely crushes me. This is now his free will.....not drinking or anything like that. H feels he waited until we were seperated (the affair with the secretary was only an EA before the seperation), so he has been "honorable". And H says that he has told some of his friends "all of it" and they understand and support his decision.

I know....all of you are thinking detach already!!! And you're right.......I am so tired and depressed right now. Nothing seems to work! My S18 is "gone" and hasn't called. I tried to call the numbers I have for his friends.....no luck. I have no idea where he is..... and really I need to leave him to be the one to call me. I don't want to go in to work tomorrow. I am lucky enough to have very good friends, and I know they are there for me. But, right now, the only thing I really feel I am living for is my grand-daughter. Although I have told D that she needs to ask me for babysitting and not just assume I am okay with it. I think it's very important that even though we will be living in the same house, they are their own family unit and they need to keep that sacred......

By the way, sorry, Glam for not calling as I went though your area on the drive home........it was after 9pm and MIL was with me.......but hopefully sandycay and I can maybe get up your way soon.....??