I really try not to go down the same path again, but disappointment builds up and all the little things he does are "lost" in the plethora of other things he doesnt.
Julia, I had come to terms with being alone very single afternoon of my life, having no social life, being a father and monther for my kids for the last 6 years before the separation. That is why I didnt miss him "physically", I missed the idea of being his wife and of my life the way I was faking it to be. So, if he would be home at 22:00 every other day would be "enough". I am used to that. I am used to spending birthdays, anniversaries, going to weddings, for lunch, etc etc on my own.
I was used to watch him leave our home on Sunday when we had people over for lunch and be left behind to entertain our guests, clean up, put our kids to bed, feeling sorry for him because he had to work.
I was used to taking our kids to ER by myself and have him meet me there an hour later. I used to go grocery shopping with a 1yr old and a 2 yrs old and bring bags of groceries back carrying both babies, thinking this was what I was supposed to be doing...
I dont want him to quit his job. He would be unhappy. But I am unhappy now. So, I feel he is killing, slowly but surely our last chance. Right now, all he has left working to his favor is my kids' love for him and the fact that I am tired. Also, my dad's sitch makes me think he, my dad, would feel better seeing us "together". Not much else. K
He didnt call tonight. And I know it is because he feels guilty and ashamed. Because he is working today to the one job to make up for the days he was away with his other job. And as I told him last week, he puts no energy to find ways to make up to us for the days he is working.
I think your post has brought up a lot of interesting points.
His neglect of you via his job is the big issue here and one that has been boiling for a while and is the thing that keeps resurfacing.
When I asked you what hours you would like him to work you answered me with what you would 'put up with'. Don't give away all the power like that. That is probably part of the reason you get angry and feel down. So, in an ideal world what would you like your weekly routine with him to look like?
After you have a clear picture of the end result start small and work up. You are in a difficult place here because if you say nothing then you will be on a slow burner and finally burst with it, meanwhile he will carry on non-the-wiser thinking you are happy and then be thrown into shock when you explode. Or you can keep saying it to him and become a nag - not an appealing option.
So, if I were you I would start to break the cycle and take some first steps. Identify what you want and then break it down into achievable steps - yes DBing. You have the choice to do that or to carry on being unhappy and miserable. Change something.
He sounds like he is being pulled in a lot of different directions and feels a lot of pressure and guilt because he can't please everyone. He will never come back to you and be the husband you want if he continues to feel this way. Be the better option, be the one he *wants* to come home to. If he knows that he is going to get grief then he won't call like you said he didn't last night, if knows that he has hurt or upset you then of course he will feel guilty. So work on the bigger plan.
This is how I would break it down if I were you. So, for example
Goal 1 I would like h to be home by 8pm every evening of the week
Thoughts - is being home by 8am achievable given his work commitments? Can he be home one night by 8am so we can have dinner together once a week?
How would I act if H were home every night by 8am - happy, bright, content (fill in your own ideas here) Act as if, for that one night a week. And do not comment on his work schedule for the rest of the week so he doesn't feel threatened.
What signs would I see that this was working? H would be relaxed, the kids were relaxed and happy, we would all have fun. H would want to start spending more evenings here.
Goal 1 To have h home one night a week by 8am so we can have dinner together.
Goal 2 I would like H to be home every Sunday.
Thoughts - what would I like to do with that time? Can Sunday be 'family day'? What would we do as a family on that day - Go to the beach? Go swimming? Eat together? Watch TV? Lie in on Sunday morning? (Again, fill in your own thoughts).
How would I act if H spent every Sunday here? Happy, relaxed etc etc...
What signs would I see that this was working? That H would be disappointed to miss out on these days if he was called into work. That he would do his utmost to avoid missing these days.
Goal 2a H will spend as many free Sundays as possible as a family day
What do you think? Just a few ideas to break the cycle and take the pressure off a bit. Feel free to come up with your own; I just thought I would throw that in to start off.
If you want to set your goals we can work out how you can best broach it with H and achieve them.
Julia, wow that was a great post. You been having lessons? Maria, this is a great peice of homework for you and hey look on the brightside, never seeing your H has to be great birth control!
Sorry just had a glass of wine and haven't eaten yet! big mistake for this lightweight.
Hi Julia, thanks for the advice. I see what you are saying but there are a few things I may have not explained well, or you may have missed. H has no option to come home earlier. He doesnt choose to stay at work every night instead of being here. He chose to take a job he knew would keep him away from us when he was "ready" to go. So, no matter how "happy" I fake it to look like, he cant come home early.
Also, this issue has been discussed between us in the context of "how can we reconcile if we dont see each other" which I believe you will agree is a logical question. Nevertheless, the times he chose to come home, even if it was very late, he found me in bed (after 1 in the morning), so I wasnt nagging. In the morning I would wake up, let him sleep and be in a good mood. Typically he wakes up around noon so our morning is also "wasted" but I dont nag about it. I would be affectionate (considering our sitch) and not mad at all.
Today I decided to take FG's advice and not wait around for him. So I got the kids ready early and took them to a nice playground by the sea and then we had made plans to go eat at a nice taverna. He called around noon, he was at my home wondering where we were. I told him we were out and he came and joined us. I dint nag, didnt tell him anything. I was having fun with my kids. He came with us for lunch and then left.
It's been 6 WHOLE MONTHS we've trying to reconcile and he still hasnt found time ONCE to spend 2 hours alone with me. He only spends time with us as family. I know he feels he cant please everybody but he CHOOSES to please himself by being 100% devoted to his work.
I have tried talking, crying, explaning, everything I could think of, I've tried to initiate affection (not sex), put a happy face on but nothing seems to make me the better option. Let's just say I am feeling the rejection all over again. But this time I know better, it is NOT my problem and what I do or dont do. I can only do so much. What he does it's his choice.
Right now he looks like he is content with the current arrangement: he sees us when he can, he is working as much as he wants and he feels he is doing his best. He has this look on his face all the time "sorry, I cant stay, sorry, you know my schedule"...
My job would be to see if I can take this and be happy with it. And I do have a question you guys may be abl eto help me with : when/if I start living my life again, with my kids, my friends, my family, I will be drifting even further away from him.These months that I havent been doing that, meaning wait for him at home to get here when he wakes up, blocking my weekends for him, I am not LIVING. But if I do things like today more, even our family time together will become even less. When you have ONE day per week with your partner, the kids need to see him too, you spend it as a family. And at least I used to try to guard it as precious. But leaves me ... lacking. NOT happy. What should I do. Go do my "own thing" or "accommodate" him? For example, every couple of months I used to visit one of my best friends 2 hours away from Athens. I havent done it since July. I want to go. If I do, that would mean he wont see us for 2 weeks. Do I do my own thing?
And again, as he told me a few times, people have long distance relationships with persons across the ocean and manage to feel close to each other, we live 45 minutes apart and it feels worse... Why? Because he NEVER, NEVER has shown to me any interest about me, my life, my feelings, my thoughts. Sure, he cares about technicalities but believe me, technicalities are not my problem. THe way we are now, I wouldnt be surprised if he found a co worker- again- to fall in love with. Our connection is NOT there. He wants what we had, I want the whole... world.
Maybe I am wrong but I honestly dont think I can explain how crooked this situation is. I feel my back is against the wall and dont like it a bit. K
And you know what else? This "I cant do anything about it" attitude, "I am caught in this schedule", "I am sorry I would like it to be different but I cant change it", being tired, sleepy, looking lifeless all the time, having no insterests other than his job, nothing to make me curious about him, his process of thinking does seem awful weak and "poor" to me. And that aint attarctive at all...
Have I told you guys which are my fav movies : Ice Age, (both but I think I enjoy the Melt down more) and Shrek... I've been dancing with my kids all weekend with the soundtracks and watched the movies ... I think I am "waking up" again...
I love IceAge too !!! And I have been dancing along in my chair to music all day too.
As for work... I thikn you should do whatever you want and if he then sees even LESS of you, would that work, have an effect on him, if he notices he NEVER sees you, would he then miss you?? I think Julia missed that he is a News Editor, so works nights to get the paper out.. no chance to leave early hey ! Did you ever ask him about the possibility of that rota of all the Editors, so he could have at least one night when he is home by 9??? So it COULD be possible to spend a little more time with you?
As for the girlfriend.. can you go on a Saturday, when he works anyway? Or.. just go.. its only one extra week every few months afterall, where he wouldnt see you. And not much is going to 'happen' or shift until May anyway! So.. go.. make him miss you.
Oh and reading your description of how your life is with him... it beggars belief.. it reads as impossible... impossible to have ANY sort of R with someone, neverlone a HEALTHY one under the conditions he is expecting it to thrive (or even survive) under.. he's crazy. Nuts. You cannot have an R with someone when you work 4 pm - 1am and they work all day and even weekends you are in bed till midday and have one day a week off (usually). Its madness. I cannot believe how blind he is. I dont believe he is 'happy' with that.. its just his comfort zone, all he knows, all he is capable of.. but dont forget he admitted to you, just a few weeks ago that he was lonely.
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
"how can we reconcile if we dont see each other" ... Nevertheless, the times he chose to come home, even if it was very late, he found me in bed (after 1 in the morning), so I wasnt nagging...Typically he wakes up around noon so our morning is also "wasted" but I dont nag about it.
We will spend quality time together. The quality time will entail... (fill in the blanks)
Quote:
Because he NEVER, NEVER has shown to me any interest about me, my life, my feelings, my thoughts. Sure, he cares about technicalities but believe me, technicalities are not my problem. THe way we are now, I wouldnt be surprised if he found a co worker- again- to fall in love with. Our connection is NOT there.
That H and I will form a connection. For this connection to happen H will do the following List some things
I will do the following List some things How will we behave for this to happen.
The schedule is what it is Kalni and I can see that you accept that. I don't see anything wrong with you going away for a weekend sometimes. I doubt that will lead you further away from H. You did a great thing by not waiting around for H and going to the beach, great GAL and no expectations.
What are your thoughts on those? I haven't expanded more as I'd really like to hear what you ideas are for achieving those goals and breaking them down. This is all JMO, I hope it is in some way helpful.
