THAT is one of the main things I have come to realize in my sitch. In my case, it was me expecting my W to make me happy instead of taking action myself.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
I need these things, and I think I have a right to pursue them in my life in order to be who I am and to be happy. YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO PROVIDE THEM FOR ME -- and that's okay too. I would prefer for us to get to this place together, but I can't ask you to be who you are not anymore than you can ask ME to, so please let me know."
I understand the distinction. You make it a generic person (this type of person is who I want to be with), so that the pressure is off the WAS. The WAS now has the CHOICE to either (a) realize that they CAN be this type of person, or (b) realize they CANNOT be that type of person. Either way, the LBS comes across as knowing very well what they want from a R and non-compromising.
Gucci,
You clarified further what PDT was posting earlier. Thanks for taking the time to make sure others and I understand the distinction!
But there was one part of your post that I did not quite follow:
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
How many times have we seen on this site the WS telling the BS what they didn't do and why they want out, only to see the BS do a 180 on those exact things she mentioned. The WS is demanding nothing. They are saying they don't know what they really want, but it is too late now and here are the things I wanted or want in a relationship that you didn't do. You are trying to be someone you aren't.. On and on and on.... It wasn't until they let the BS feel that they weren't sure that the BS finally got with the program.....
I understand the first part. The WAS is saying during the bomb: these are the things I need from a R/M and you didn't do those and that's why I want out. But then you say they are saying they don't really know what they want. How is that? Didn't they just say with the "bomb", these are the things you didn't do? Or, what I think you may be saying is: the WAS is telling the LBS that he or she doesn't know anymore if the LBS can be the type of person he or she wants to be in a R/M with. And if 180's happen, they think that the LBS is trying to be someone they aren't. Is that what you mean?
So in the end, I think you are saying that the LBS can almost turn the tables and give the WAS a "bomb", by telling them THEY now aren't sure whether the WAS can be the type of person that they want a R/M with.
Here is the letter I have written to xBF and will give to him tomorrow when he comes over to discuss the financial settlement:
xBF,
During these past five months I have looked long and hard at myself and what I want for my life from this point forward. Here are some of the conclusions I have reached:
I want to be with someone who wants to continually strive to be a better person and have a better relationship. I want a man who can and does communicate with me. I want someone who is honest with me and himself.
I deserve to be with someone who will come to me and not turn to another woman when the going gets tough. I want someone who doesn't make excuses about inappropriate contact because there is no such contact at all. Ever.
I need someone who doesn't just say he is willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust but who makes a plan and follows through with actions that will reassure me. I want a man who goes out of his way to make me feel safe. I want and deserve to be with someone who is willing to crawl through broken glass for me.
I realized that I want and need to be wooed. I want romance, I want fun, I want a man who is thoughtful. I want to feel like the man I am with wants me for me, not just as part of a comfortable life. I want to be with someone who recognizes all I have to offer and who wants to show me why he is the best man for me.
I need to be honest here--I am not sure that is who you are, or the type of man you are. I realized that I didn't feel those things from you or get those things with you before. I will not settle for anything less this time. If "we" can't have that in our relationship, then I am not interested in seeing where this goes because I know I will not be happy. When I love a man I am willing to give him my all, but I am not going to do it with ANY man who can't seem to give those things back. I now know that there are men out there who want to do those things for their women. I just am not sure that is who you are. I don't feel right now that I am willing to give much to you because of those reasons. This is nothing against you for being who you are and I know that you have things you need too, but I just wanted to be honest and not give any false hope here.
What do you think?
Pearl
I hope it won't be too awkward if I just decline to have any R talk with him and instead just hand him this letter as he is leaving.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I did take that part out, although I still believe it.
The meeting wasn't as good as I had hoped. I let myself get emotional and that kind of derailed the train for a bit. But apologized for being emotional when discussing business matters and went back to it.
Ended up having some R talk afterwards which I did not want but xBF started. He thinks my note from the other day was chastising him and he doesn't appreciate it. I told him it's not going to be 50/50 in the effort at first. He needs to step up and start showing me he is the person from the "I want you back" letter, not the cold and business-like person I'm seeing and talking to now.
Then he asked me what I want him to do. Sigh. I don't want to tell him what to do. Told him I wrote him a letter and he could read it and let me know what he thinks. So then he packed up his stuff and left.
Now I'm trying to put it out of my mind. Going to see Watchmen in a bit.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I thnk your letter was spot on! It got across what you want to say to him in the way you should say it to him. The letter made it a little easier not to get derailed too much by getting emotional. So it was good that you had it ready to go! Let's see what he comes back with. Actions or more words...
{{{Pearl}}} I love the "crawl thru broken glass" but I understand why you took it out, but still believe it!! Puppy, it was on someone's thread a while back, so a lot of times we say that we want someone to crawl thru broken glass for us..sorta like the 10 cow wife story if you've read that one BECAUSE..we are totally worth it!
Glad you got to get out and enjoy yourself a bit Pearl, I heard Watchmen got mixed reviews, but I'm glad you liked it!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Interesting thing happened tonight. I was looking out at the falling snow and just wanted to curl up on the sofa with xBF and watch a movie. I actually had the urge to call and see what he was doing. It passed in about 30 seconds, but still, it was there. Does it mean anything or just a flash of nostalgia? Who knows. But it is the first time I have even thought about doing something with xBF in a few months.
I've been listening to Michael Buble a lot recently. He sings a Leonard Cohen song called "I'm Your Man" that pretty much sums it up for me:
If you want a lover I'll do anything you ask me to And if you want another kind of love I'll wear a mask for you If you want a partner Take my hand Or if you want to strike me down in anger Here I stand I'm your man
If you want a boxer I will step into the ring for you And if you want a doctor I'll examine every inch of you If you want a driver Climb inside Or if you want to take me for a ride You know you can I'm your man
Ah, the moons too bright The chains too tight The beast won't go to sleep I've been running through these promises to you That I made and I could not keep Ah but a man never got a woman back Not by begging on his knees Or I'd crawl to you baby And I'd fall at your feet And I'd howl at your beauty Like a dog in heat And I'd claw at your heart And I'd tear at your sheet I'd say please, please I'm your man
And if you've got to sleep A moment on the road I will steer for you And if you want to work the street alone I'll disappear for you If you want a father for your child Or only want to walk with me a while Across the sand I'm your man
If you want a lover I'll do anything you ask me to And if you want another kind of love I'll wear a mask for you
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
