Just missing you guys a little!

[pearlharbr]

So how was girls' night out? Hope the purple shoes worked their mojo (mine gave me blisters on Fri!).

Of course anger is reasonable in your sitch. I haven't followed your sitch since the beginning so I can't speak to how much of it you have or haven't dealt with. But I do know it's ok to have it and express it in healthy ways and it's better to let it out than let it fester and grow inside you.

I get a daily email for dealing with divorce and several days were devoted to anger. Here are some of the highlights:

"Anger can root deeply, grow quickly, and choke out your emotional health. Unless you cut away at your anger and learn to express it in a healthy manner, it can cause great harm to you and to others around you.

You may feel guilty about the extreme thoughts your anger is leading you to have. Be assured that these thoughts are normal for a person who is going through a divorce.

If you are in a divorce, you will at some point feel anger. The extent of that anger will vary from person to person, but God commands everyone to be wise in anger."
----
"Divorce brings an abrupt end to things that you thought were good, right, and secure in your life. Now you aren't sure which parts of your married life were real and which parts were only illusions. You are not wrong to feel anger. Justified anger can be a good and necessary response.

Jesus showed righteous anger when he saw people buying and selling their goods in the temple, making a profit from religious activities rather than revering God.

Lord God, I am so angry. I am furious at my former spouse, at myself, and at other people involved. I want to scream! Show me how to express my anger. Amen."
----
"Dr. Les Carter says that having anger means standing up for your own worth, needs, and convictions.

'You don't get angry when folks are kind, pleasant, or understanding. Anger shows up when someone has rejected you or is being uncooperative, or when a person is being critical, harsh, or difficult to get along with. When anger appears on the scene, it arouses your sense of self-preservation.

'You want to preserve one of three things. You want to preserve your worth as a human being; your anger can be your way of wishing to say, "Please, show me some respect, will you?" Anger can be your way of preserving your basic needs: "Recognize that I have needs, and acknowledge them, please." Or anger can be a way that you stand up for your deepest convictions. It is your way of saying, "I believe in things, and I don't want to back away from them."'

You will feel anger at some point in your divorce. Do not try to deny or suppress this emotion. God does not condemn you for your anger when it is justified. God Himself is described as 'slow to anger'--not 'never angry.'"

[JayMan]

((((Amy))))
Anger is a very natural part of this - if you didn't have any, you'd either be a saint or basically not have loved your husband at all, ever.

David was a man after "God's own heart" and in how many Psalms did he yell at God, plead with him, ask Him why he was letting him go through this, tell God he had deserted him, and so on.

Something I did the other day "saved" me - I told God that I was going to give my W, my marriage, my relationship, my kids, and everything else completely over to him - and I 'looked Him in the eye' and basically said this:

"I am throwing myself completely and utterly on your grace in faith - so you BETTER come through for me."

Haven't looked back since! I get sad and stuff occasionally still, but it's different now...

[antlers]

Something I did the other day "saved" me - I told God that I was going to give my W, my marriage, my relationship, my kids, and everything else completely over to him - and I 'looked Him in the eye' and basically said this:

"I am throwing myself completely and utterly on your grace in faith - so you BETTER come through for me."

Haven't looked back since! I get sad and stuff occasionally still, but it's different now...

Wow! That's taking a giant leap of faith! I hope He comes through for you. I know He has the power to do it.

[Amy M]

(((((Sam, Tawnya, pearl, and Jon))))) Love you guys...much!!!

Well, I had fun. And, now that's it's over, and I've had a little time to reflect on the night and the day, I'm very glad I went. So, Sam, in case you don't hear it enough...Sam, you were right!!!

On my way to meet my friends last night, I talked to Tawnya for a bit...she gave me this great house analogy that really made me feel better. And, I've thought about that all day today. I've also had the bits that pearl posted above (thanks, pearl, for taking the time to do that!!!) running through my mind all day. I read her post today before I left for shopping...it did my heart good as well.

I've been trying so hard not to be bitter that I've not allowed myself to "feel" much anger. So, when it comes (like last night), I get really upset about it. God and I are still working on that, and we'll get it sorted out. I don't have any doubt on that matter. And, Jon, God will come through for both of us...just maybe not in the manner we thought we wanted, right?

I called the boys last night at my normal time (on the drive to meet friends). They were with their dad at OW's house. Apparently, she'd made a cake for S4 for his birthday, and they were going to have a birthday party there. Both the boys were excited, and they didn't have much time to talk. That hurt, of course, but I made it through without turning the car around and heading back home for the pity party I had planned!!

When H got on the phone...I just said, "Wow, didn't take you long." He said, "What?" I was thinking, "You know what. You are such a freakin moron." But, what I said instead was, "Hope you guys have a nice evening with MY family." And, I hung up.

I knew he'd do it (have the boys stay over at her place more)...essentially he had already started it. But, I just didn't think he'd do it this weekend. I mean, he's meeting my mom and dad today to drop the kids off for their spring break trip to their house. I thought surely he'd be considerate enough not to have them spend the weekend with her so that they had that to talk about to my parents. I know that will be tough for Mom and Dad to hear...in some ways tougher than it is for me to hear. My mom and dad love him, and they are so hurt by what he's done.

But, oh, well! To quote M from Tennessee..."It is what it is!"

I had fun last night, and I ended up staying over at friends house. Pearl, glad to report no blisters! We went shopping today. No green shoes...we actually shopped for home stuff, and I bought a lot of that. I guess I've discovered that I can shop for anything and spend money.

I have cried every minute I've been alone today...until now. I'm better now...And, I'm allowing myself to be angry. So, that's likely better for me.

I started at least twice to call H...once about meeting my mom and dad and another time about his visit to the attorney tomorrow. I was thinking that it might be possible to fight the petition he gets from 1st ex-W if he signs my paper before he's actually served with her petition. But, I decided that I'm staying out of it. If I end up with less child support, so be it. I don't really need his money anyway.

I won't have to deal with him at all this week. He sees the attorney tomorrow. I go on Tuesday (thought I was going to be out of town tomorrow but the trip was canceled). Since the kids are with Mom and Dad, there's no reason to talk to him. That will be better. I don't want to talk to him angry!!! I actually don't want to talk to him at all.

Well, I'll check in on everybody else. Hope you all have had a good weekend.

Hugs and love!
Amy

[JayMan]

(((Amy))) - I should have said along with my handing everything over to God, I also gave him free reign to do the best thing He has for me. I told him it didn't matter WHAT it was! And I mean it - I'm sort of excited to see what he has for me. I'm just gonna keep plugging along!

I know exactly the moments you're describing - we always used to take our kids to a local indoor jungle gym, and now that's what OM and W do once a month. I don't take the kids there anymore!

Maybe this'll help a little - the novelty wears off. I remember when D8 described OM as her "second Dad". It felt like a punch in the stomach - but now she barely mentions him. In the beginning, when he came over and brought his kids, the kids would tell me all about it, and how fun it was, and etc - now, if you ask them how their week was, they don't even mention them coming over.
In the beginning, OM was funny and shy and nice and had fun playmate kids and nine tattoos - now, the kids aren't negative on him, but they want Mommy and ME to get back together, and have started really pushing it hard.

I don't know what will happen, but I do know that I have kept back the bitterness and anger at least in front of the kids, and I know you do too! Keep that up!

Also, the going dark is hugely helpful - very hard at first, but after awhile, it really starts to relieve that constant pressure.

I am not nasty, or unkind, but I don't contact W at all unless I have a question about homework or a change in schedule.

Love ya!

[sandi2]

You do have a right to be angry, sweetheart, and you don't need to keep pushing it down inside b/c it will come out in another way that is very unhealthy. It takes different things for different people to do in order to get that anger out of their system. I have told some people to get one of those heavy boxer's punching bags. For others, it takes counseling, and for others it takes a lot of prayer and reading the Bible. Just don't be ashamed of your anger or try to hide it behind a bright smile to those of us that love you and want to help you through this chapter in your life. Do whatever you need to do to get it out or it will be like a cancer.......and you don't want that. While the boys are away is a good time to do that. Throw darts at H's picture or scream or whatever. I've not been through this but I found physical hard work would settle me down when I was very mad about something, but your anger is deep and you may have to experiment to find out how to get it up out of you. Maybe you have tried too hard to be a "good" girl and a "good" Christian in how you have handled all of this. (I hope that statement is not misunderstood by anyone.) I don't mean to go backslide and lose the ground you've gained. But good Christian people get angry at injustice. And that is how you see all of this stitch, so you have a right to feel that emotion and don't feel guilty by allowing it to come out. As long as you don't do something to hurt another one......then figure out what to do that will free you up from that. You don't want to be a prisoner. It will take time and as you said, you will have bad days, but if you can figure out what works for you when this anger is stirred up, it sure would help.

Birthdays and other holidays will be one of the very hardest things to deal with. When the boys gets a bit older, it won't matter to them which day that have their party on....... and getting two parties will be cool to them. This time next year, it will begin to dawn on the boys that they will get twice as much at holidays. Of course, I realize that doesn't help your heart one bit right now, but it is part of the pain you have to work through, sweetie.

You know you can come here and blow your stack to us any time, cause we love you and know this is what you need to do.

Try to have a good night's sleep and not dwell on what all is going on over there on that island. It only makes things worse when you do that. I think I remember telling you once that to plan ahead for these difficult times by not being alone (unless you really want to be) and be with friends or have something special to do while all that other is going on. There are times, though, that we really want that time alone........and that's okay. Just don't be hard on our Amy when you are alone, okay?

Love,
Sandi

[Sam1007]

Well, I had fun. And, now that's it's over, and I've had a little time to reflect on the night and the day, I'm very glad I went. So, Sam, in case you don't hear it enough...Sam, you were right!!!

No, I never hear that! j/k Glad to hear you went out! Makes you forget about the sitch for a little bit at least.

What sandi was suggesting to relieve anger is what I do: hard physical work! I go for a run and feel 200% better afterwards. You run too, so train for that marathon!! The physical exercise releases endorphins in your body and they make you feel a lot better!

[Tawnya]

{{{Amy}}}} Glad you had a GREAT night and a good shopping day today, nothing like some retail therapy eh?? Sad though that you didn't get your green shoes!! But..of course, that just means you have to go out again to get those LOLOL

Tawnya

[Amy M]

((((Jon, Sandi, Sam, and Tawnya)))) Love you guys and all the rest of you sending prayers up on my behalf today. I'm doing okay. It's been an emotional few days to say the least. I'm doing better right now...the anger has been expressed (maybe not int he most healthy manner, but I just said what I had to say) and the D has been filed. We are on our way...

H was scheduled to go in to sign his name to all the documents today and I was scheduled to go in tomorrow (since I was supposed to be on a business trip today). But, since my trip was canceled, I decided this morning that I'd just be there during his appt. and go ahead and get things taken care of. I prayed about it last night and all day today, and I felt like it was the right thing to do.

So, I arrived early. He came in...acted surprised to see me. I simply said my trip was canceled. He tried to converse with me. I have him short answers and read a magazine. Then, the attorney came out and gave us the spill and all the documents. She said H hadn't properly filled out his financial affidavit and gave it back to him to complete. And she left us to review the documents. He asked for help with his affidavit. I smiled and said, "You are now officially on your own. Good luck." The process was fairly painless. He didn't mention the CS to 1st wife. So, we signed and left the papers with the attorney and walked out together.

Sitting at the curb was a small, white, 2-seater, convertible. I said, "That yours?" He said, "Yes." I laughed. He said, "It's high mileage; didn't cost that much." I said, "Wow. I guess that clears things up. Classic case of MLC for sure." He shrugged and said, "Whatever." I said bye and off we went. I came by the house to use the restroom and get myself together (I didn't cry or stab him at the attorney's).

I get here and there's a card from the process server again. I'm irritated. I call him. I say, "Did you call the sheriff's office." Yes, he said. He proceeds to tell me that he had said he'd try to stop by the house to get his papers from the guy. While he's doing that, I'm sorting the mail. I see something to him. I tell him. He says, "I'm sure it's about the house. Open it." I do. Not about the house...about a 2007 boat. Interesting...we don't have one of those. I am furious.

So, I go off..."How dare you use my address on your boat crap. How dare you lie to me about who purchased the boat. How dare you hide the fact that you bought a car and a boat from me. How dare you continue to lie and disrespect me. How dare you, how dare you, how dare you..." And then, I hang up...because I'm almost hysterical.

So, I take a few deep breaths, and I call him back. And, I say the following stuff: All you had to do was divorce me 3 years ago. All you had to do was say, Amy, I'm miserable here. I would have let you go. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve any of it. Please get your stuff in order so I don't get your mail or notes for you from the sheriff's office. Please get out of my life. I'm not proud of you anymore. I can't tell people that I'm proud to have chosen you for the father of my children. You are on a bad path. And, if you don't get it together, there may come a time when my boys can't be proud of you either. S7 knows that it's not okay to have a wife and GF. And, he knows about you and OW. And, if there was any doubt, having them stay over at her house this weekend has done away with that. And, my mom and my dad, now they know too. And they loved you so much, and they can't be proud of you either. All S7 and S4 talked about last night was being at OW's house over the weekend. They were in the car with Mom and Dad when I talked to them. Mom and Dad had to hear all that. Whatever you think I did or didn't deserve, you cannot for one minute feel that my parents deserve to have to hear that. I hope you know that I have loved you with all my heart (he did actually say 'I know that' at that point), and I hope that one day you will love as deeply and you will understand what that means. Now I just want to have as little to do with you as possible. Please get your business stuff out of my life. Take care of you, H.

He just responded with, "You too, Amy." And, I hung up.

How did he get here. Oh my!! I'll just keep praying for him to find his way. That's all I can do. Pray that he finds his way before things get worse for my babies.

I love you, guys! Thanks for all the support.

Amy

[JayMan]

(((((Amy)))))

Wow, is all I can say. Wow.

How can someone be so freakin' idiotic? Someone told me the other day that with the guilt and stupidity that comes with an affair, it is so bad that the divorce is just easier.

What a wimp! And then to top it all off, "I know you have" loved me with all your heart?

Amy - get through this, there is so much better on the other side. I'm going to be doing the same thing as you in a few short weeks, and I'm not relishing the thought, but it's gonna happen.

Hey, you know what though? It's good to get that out, you've put the burden back on H, where it belongs.

Now, that crap is over with, and you are free from that responsibility!

One thing I have discovered with my kids and the OM hanging around the last few months is that it has brought them closer to me. Parents fulfill a role - a dad and a mom fulfill a role each. And when that role is further divided with OM/OW, the kids tend to gravitate toward the one that stays with them.

They know more than you would imagine - even as W tries to do game nights, and take them to local fun places with OM, they are starting to push harder and harder for us.

Your kids are going to be OK - and not because divorce is good, and affairs are good, and all that. They are going to be OK because they have a Mom who loves them so dearly, and will never allow anyone to come between them and her, and who will fight for them, and fight for right, and put God first in their life!