Saving Military Marriage - 3

[FitChik]

Hey J,

Thanks for your respone. I've seem many of your posts and you always give great advice... and great 2x4s :-)!!

I have read both DB & DR. I have done some 180s with good results. Had good results with no R talks, sending pics from adventures I've taken, and decreasing regular e-mails with him and sending an occasional e-mail with a crazy experience or humor. I've had mixed results with sending small care packages. I was away at training for a month (little communication with H) and when I got back our R was the best it had been in several months. He was calling me just to chat and was friendly.

I tried to avoid R talks like the plague however we hit a big bump when I came back - D papers! I was not home when they attempted to serve me (away in Cali) and they have yet to come back. I have not picked them up b/c honestly I have not gotten off work early enough and do not feel obligated to pick them up. H is reluctant to serve me at work???? But is very angry I do not have the papers. You do the math :-).

I do think he doesn't want the obligation of working on a M while deployed. I also deploy this summer - so it will be close to 2 years apart. I offered to have us take a "time out", remain friends, and pick back up once back - but H did not want that.

I have come to learn fidelity is an issue for him. This week he admitted he has cheated on all of his other long-term GFs/ex-wife - which he lied about during our courtship. Just learned some other great info this morning... H told me this morning he slept with another woman in Nov while on a trip. I knew he went away for a weekend w/o me but of course naively believed he went by himself. This happened two weeks after the bomb - but damn!! Also states he has slept with someone over in Iraq since deploying. I've been out of sight, out of mind for quite awhile now. It's been a great day....

I have come to learn a lot about his character. H seems like a charming, upstanding guy and I believe he wants to be this man. However it is not his true character... Seems to really thrive & enjoy the attention of woman without having the commitment. It seems like he needs it for his self-esteem - more so than the average person.

I honestly think H thought he wanted marriage & the whole package, had doubts, but went through with the M anyways. And he quickly realized it's not what he wants. What a better way to prove it then fly away for a weekend and cheat... It makes me nauseous. I still will never understand why you would give up on a M so quickly. I learned a lot this morning and have to digest it all.....

This has been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with - and I'm a tough woman! I have learned a lot about myself, about Rs, and most importantly have grown so much in my R with God. The Lord has renewed me so many times and kept me afloat during this whole process. I honestly have no idea what the future holds for our M... but have complete faith & trust everything will be ok.

My H, like yours was, is unreachable and has to find his own way. I can do nothing for him but to let him go right now. Will he come back to me? I have no idea but I know I have to completely let it go. I am sorry it appears our M will be sacrified to make that happen right now. But I will never lose hope and trust in God.

Our M aside, I have a lot to look forward to in the next few months and am actually ready to deploy. I have a lot of other great things to focus on in my life :-)