I think your post has brought up a lot of interesting points.
His neglect of you via his job is the big issue here and one that has been boiling for a while and is the thing that keeps resurfacing.
When I asked you what hours you would like him to work you answered me with what you would 'put up with'. Don't give away all the power like that. That is probably part of the reason you get angry and feel down. So, in an ideal world what would you like your weekly routine with him to look like?
After you have a clear picture of the end result start small and work up. You are in a difficult place here because if you say nothing then you will be on a slow burner and finally burst with it, meanwhile he will carry on non-the-wiser thinking you are happy and then be thrown into shock when you explode. Or you can keep saying it to him and become a nag - not an appealing option.
So, if I were you I would start to break the cycle and take some first steps. Identify what you want and then break it down into achievable steps - yes DBing. You have the choice to do that or to carry on being unhappy and miserable. Change something.
He sounds like he is being pulled in a lot of different directions and feels a lot of pressure and guilt because he can't please everyone. He will never come back to you and be the husband you want if he continues to feel this way. Be the better option, be the one he *wants* to come home to. If he knows that he is going to get grief then he won't call like you said he didn't last night, if knows that he has hurt or upset you then of course he will feel guilty. So work on the bigger plan.
This is how I would break it down if I were you. So, for example
Goal 1 I would like h to be home by 8pm every evening of the week
Thoughts - is being home by 8am achievable given his work commitments? Can he be home one night by 8am so we can have dinner together once a week?
How would I act if H were home every night by 8am - happy, bright, content (fill in your own ideas here) Act as if, for that one night a week. And do not comment on his work schedule for the rest of the week so he doesn't feel threatened.
What signs would I see that this was working? H would be relaxed, the kids were relaxed and happy, we would all have fun. H would want to start spending more evenings here.
Goal 1 To have h home one night a week by 8am so we can have dinner together.
Goal 2 I would like H to be home every Sunday.
Thoughts - what would I like to do with that time? Can Sunday be 'family day'? What would we do as a family on that day - Go to the beach? Go swimming? Eat together? Watch TV? Lie in on Sunday morning? (Again, fill in your own thoughts).
How would I act if H spent every Sunday here? Happy, relaxed etc etc...
What signs would I see that this was working? That H would be disappointed to miss out on these days if he was called into work. That he would do his utmost to avoid missing these days.
Goal 2a H will spend as many free Sundays as possible as a family day
What do you think? Just a few ideas to break the cycle and take the pressure off a bit. Feel free to come up with your own; I just thought I would throw that in to start off.
If you want to set your goals we can work out how you can best broach it with H and achieve them.
