PLEASE hold the "I told you not to reply to her" b/c I know I shouldn't have. However, I did learn more from this interaction and a little light did seem to pop on in my head.
Ok, XW sent me an e-mail saying I was putting D in danger b/c I allowed her to take the dog outside of the apartment w/out me. XW went into her normal tirade of saying how irresponsible I was, how I was putting D in danger from molesters and kidnappers, how if another dog came around it may attack D, and how walking the dog was my responsibility and not hers.
She finshed her e-mail by saying "This needs to NEVER occur again. It is dangerous and unacceptable."
Her points were valid and I agree w/her concerns for D's safety. However, I didn't appreciate her tone, so I told her as much. I also spelled out that while D has taken the dog outside, she's only been out there w/out me for mere minutes while I was going to the bathroom or cleaning up the mess the dog made while he was at home all day. I've never allowed her to be out of sight of the apartment door so she's never really been in danger.
I mentioned how I didn't appreciate her tone and asked if she could contact me to get the story straight before she accused and blamed in the future. Again, I felt good about my reply as I was calm and stated my position, stood my ground, and asked for her cooperation.
However, what I did fail to do is validate her feelings, so what I did do was exacerbate the conflict. It didn't hit me until later when I was casually talking w/a lady who happened to be a professional mediator.
So, was I able to say my peace and ask her for cooperation? Yes. I really felt I needed to respond to build a case in support of me in case XW tries to take all time w/my D away from me. I really don't trust her and will not put this past her. It seems that she is trying to paint me as an incompetent father at every turn, so I felt I needed to reply "just in case" I'll need it later.
However, the discussion w/the mediator was so helpful in reminding me of the "goal." What the main goals are at this point are: 1) Do what is best for our D and 2) Get XW to cooperate w/me in a civil manner.
My reply may have helped me to defend my side and appear to a non-biased source that I'm looking for compromise and an effective co-parenting relationship w/XW. However, it didn't help to get XW to cooperate w/me civilly.
So, I sent her another e-mail when I got home (she insists we only talk via e-mail), telling her I had spoken w/the mediator and I completely agree w/her concerns for D as her safety is my main priority as well. I then said this sounds like something we need to discuss and asked when would be a good time to call her and talk about it.
Now, I'm pretty sure I'll never get anything back from her, but as far as the courts would be concerned, my second reply would more than show that I'm willing to work w/her and want a positive co-parenting relationship. This reply alone would have been acceptable and accomplished everything I was intending to accomplish w/my initial e-mail.
So, another lesson learned. Validation will get me closer to my end result than confrontation.
