German wife still foggy

[jaguilar]

PD,

Just checking to see how you are doing? Have a great weekend!

[smith18]

Portland Dad - It is going to be a sunny weekend in our neck of the woods. Have some fun. I will be getting some crops in the ground with the kids which is always fun for us.

Did you get that mini van yet?

[PortlandDad]

Hi Jag, I'm doing pretty well today. Tonight was Family Night so we all went to Olive Garden for dinner. Being together with my kids brings me a lot of joy, especially lately.

KK: My D12 is doing the MS Walk in Portland tomorrow as a Beaverton Youth Cheerleader, so I'm hoping for some good weather! I think I'll be working in the yard after that, too, providing the weather stays nice.

Never did get the minivan, but I'm still looking for one.

[PortlandDad]

Dear diary:

The W called twice: once yesterday and once this morning. Unsurprisingly, she is sick. I feel sorry for her, and told her as much, but there is nothing I can do about it. She was in "Blame PD for everything that went wrong" mode again. I tried to just validate and listen; until she got to the part where she doesn't want to be lied to. I believe I was telling her about a conversation that I had had with her aunt via a social network site (The W really doesn't like this aunt very much). I told her that I wasn't telling the aunt anything salacious about our M, at which point the W hit me with the "I don't like to be lied to" line...

I tried to bite my tongue, but it just kinda slipped out.

"How does it feel?"

Weeeeell, that initiated a 10 minutes tirade on her end. I did calm her down by listening and validating after that, but it was a backslide. Pick myself up, dust myself off, back into the fray.

Today it was a little more subdued. She wanted a R talk. I listened and validated as best I could. She said that the kids only stayed with me because I have the money (?) and that if she would have 5 million dollars, the kids would want to be with her.

Wow. Talk about delusional. I told her that when she lived with me, I met her every material need, and she agreed. Then I asked her if she was happy during that time. She said no, that she wasn't. Ah, so my money didn't buy your happiness? She "got it" at that point. She started crying (Ah the advatage of webcams over phones) and abruptly hung up on me.

Not sure which column to chalk that one up under, but it felt like I was ahead until the game got called on account of tears.

She wired me the money to pay her two CC bills and it arrived at the bank yesterday. I called one of the CC companies for the payoff amount and it was almost the complete amount that she sent me. The other card had about half as much on it. I made a tactical decision and paid off the one with the higher interest and made a little more than minimum on the other one. I sent her an e-mail and said she would need to wire more money, or deal with the cards herself next month.

Well, that's all diary. Hope everyone out there in DB land is having a wonderful weekend.

[AFWAW]

She wired me the money to pay her two CC bills and it arrived at the bank yesterday. I called one of the CC companies for the payoff amount and it was almost the complete amount that she sent me. The other card had about half as much on it. I made a tactical decision and paid off the one with the higher interest and made a little more than minimum on the other one. I sent her an e-mail and said she would need to wire more money, or deal with the cards herself next month.

This is awesome. Don't you dare feel the slightest bit guilty either! She chose this. Mine said she only and $24 left right before this last payday and yet she went out shopping the day after--apparently she's not learning her lesson. I have been so conditioned to shopping as a past time that I find myself restless at times sitting around the house. Maybe I'll take a nap.

[PortlandDad]

Conundrum.

This is complicated, but here goes: One chief complaint that my W has had with me is that I never take her side on anything. It isn't true of course, but it is her perception. Anyway, in my convo yesterday with her, I told her that I am being totally transparent with her; I am hiding nothing and asked her if she would do the same. She said she would think about it.

So today, the aunt that she despises (I may have understated it earlier; she does despise her) writes on my social network site that I should call her and that my W was being a d*ck. Since my W has my password to this site, she reads it and becomes livid. She calls me this morning and lays into me about why I'm even talking to her, tells me how stupid this aunt is, that this aunt is mentally ill, etc. etc.

Then she tells me that I should go ahead and call her and she wants me to report back to her about everything that we talk about. She gave me an hour to do it, and then she expects me to call her back.

Irony? Wow. I just don't really know how to process this. I really don't want to talk to this aunt of hers, simply because she tends to be a gossip and anything said to her usually ends up (through back-channels) with my Ws family. On the other hand, I feel the desire to stand up for myself and let her know that I am not her snitch about what happens in her family, and that I can talk to whomever I want.

[AFWAW]

Wow! She's making demands of you and she's in Germany. Don't do it. Stand up for yourself, like you said. Don't tell her you're not a snitch. Say something to the effect of I'm busy taking care of the kids or the house or something grownup. This conversation that you had sounds awfully childish to be honest. If she has access to a site where you post--stop posting there unless you intentionally want to piss her off. At least your wife is still talking to you. Mine doesn't even call anymore and we live in the same town!

[PortlandDad]

Hey AF,
I did talk to her aunt; had a nice, short conversation. Stayed away from discussing the R; just a cordial exchange. I did tell her that I didn't appreciate her calling my W a d*ck: she said she didn't even realize she had done it. I did not call the W back afterward.

She does act very childish a lot of the time. I was not usually consciously aware of it until the separation, but it is certainly true.

She did call this morning and wanted me to fax some affidavit to her insurance company so she can get a better rate on her insurance. Sure, happy to help.

Yeah, she does talk to me, so I guess that is nice. I do like hearing her voice, even if it is still the voice of a WAW, and not her logical, loving voice.

[PortlandDad]

In our talk a few days ago, she used an interesting phrase...

"If we were to get back together..."

She is at least musing about it. I told her in reply that there would need to be significant work on both of our parts IF it were to happen, and she agreed. I told her that I was going to send her a book or two to read.

Question for the wise DB community:

Which book or two should I send?

I'm leaning toward "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass, and "Getting back together" by Youngs, Goetz, and Farbman.

[smith18]

The "Not Just Friends" might be too much in her face right now, plus it is a huge read.

Here is a good one by a local Portland author/counselor:

Walk Out Woman: When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost

Although, in her current state of mind (nuts), this Oregon author's book may ring more true for her:

Ken Kesey