Most Difficult Time of My Life

[Kokopelli]

Well, I have moved out. Moved out this past weekend. W pushed me so hard to move and didn't respect my boundaries I had asked for...not showing up during move, allowing me to stay in house on Saturday. I am in a more peaceful place right now. Missing my W like crazy though.

She has not showed 1 single sign of backing down from her decision to continue the divorce, but she did show emotion for the 1st time in months this past weekend. She cried on Friday and gave me a hug while arguing about finances.

Sunday, I came back to the house to pick up a few small items and help hookup her computer and TV. We talked, and she asked to see my apartment. I asked why...and said I didn't think it was a good idea. She turned her back and began to cry. Just prior to that, she came in the room arguing with me and I asked why she had to be so mean to me. I have been nothing but sweet, and she asked why I decided to change as soon as she mentioned separating...I replied I am finally awake and paying attention. She walked out and started crying...

As I was leaving she gave me a hug and told me she really misses my hugs, then she said "I love you"!!! WTF??

I haven't heard those words in nearly 2 months. I don't understand if she really means this, or if she's trying to manipulate me for the divorce situation so I'll be nice. I am going to take it at face value for what she said though and not over anaylyze it.

She has been reaching out the last several days to me. I have been detaching and GAL, trying to be patient. I feel as though I am being too cold to her though and don't want to distance myself too much. I think this just might be me reacting to this unnatural feeling of distancing from her when I just want to be close again.

She has sent me text messages asking how I am doing...I did not reply. Yesterday, I accidentally called her and she called me back immediately, and started asking how my day was on Monday. I was friendly but brief in my answers, and a little vague. At the end of the convo she asked if I have filed my response yet to the divorce injunction. This disturbed me because I know she keeps pushing this crap on me. At that point I simply replied that my attorney is handling it, I don't know what is going to happen, and that I had to go. I think this response caught her off guard, because I was quick to get off the phone.

The lawyers are going to turn this into something nastier than it needs to be, but I have to fight it to buy myself time. Otherwise it'll be over in 2 more months tops.

I hope I'm not being too cold with her. I have to set boundaries though because almost everytime we talk she brings up something to start fighting about, I want to minimize & avoid bickering.

I was just so surprised to see emotion from her this weekend. She has been icy cold for over a month, she cried 3 times on Sunday. Maybe I'm over thinking it, I don't know.

I'm really lonely though, I miss my W and best friend. I know I have to do this. It's hard not knowing the outcome, but it looks pretty likely the D is going to happen. She has surrounded herself with a bunch of enablers and supporters. No one that is ?'ng her decision.

Any advice?

[Kokopelli]

W texted me on wednesday to say the car registration showed up finally and asked how I wanted to get it. I said I could stop by quickly if that was cool and she said it sounded great. After work, I stopped by and we engaged in small talk about her week and experience at a new gym she joined. She asked me if I wanted to get lunch, I responded "I could eat," what the hell kind of response is that? After about 2 minutes I decided it was a bad decision to do lunch because I knew it would end in an argument.

Told her that I should probably get going and she stated she had a bunch of things to do around the house too. As I was leaving she brought up the D and asked if I filed my response yet. I keep trying to push this off and told her the attorney is handling it. Of course it turned into an argument about who gets what. I don't know why I keep engaging in this bickering matches, the DB principles say to drop the rope! I know better, but my emotions get me going lately.

I left the house pretty briefly closing the door behind me as she continued to talk at me. 45 minutes later I'm feeling like crap about it. I should used the 48 hour rule about responding to these situations, but I caved in and sent her a message apologizing and stating that I'm not trying to be difficult. She responded saying we should be able to work this out and not pay a bunch of $ to attorneys and asked if I would do mediation next week. I told her I will be out of town next week and she never responded. That was Wednesday evening.

We haven't contacted each other in any form or fashion since
then. I have been pulling back, "going dark" and it feels so unnatural and not like the right thing to do. She is in CA for her BFF bridal shower/bachelorette party this weekend. She has her mother with her, who is a HUGE enabler in this situatoin also. She is GAL'ng, I'm laying here reading books and forums, feeling lonely and depressed. I am really losing hope in this situation...I saw some of her files and she has this whole D planned and mapped out w/ To Do's and completion check boxes. How does a person continue DB'ng in this kind of situation?

I keep telling myself that miracles happen everyday, and hoping for "divine intervention" to change her mind or at least soften her stance a bit to give us a chance. I will not initiate contact with her no matter what, but how do you know if you're making progress or backsliding?

It seems as though she cracks sometimes, the emotions last weekend, the "I Love You," the hugs, etc. But then she turns around and is so adimant, cold, and persistent in pushing hard to get me the hell out of her life. Even though she keeps saying she wants to remain friends. I said that I will be willing to do the "friend" thing, but it's going to take me some time.

I get stuck in this constant loop of worrying about things, hoping for signs of change, wishing she'd reach out to me and just shoot a text saying hi or something. This process has been going on for about 2 months, and this is the first time we have had NO contact whatsoever.

I keep telling myself time is my ally, and hoping she will begin to crack. It doesn't seem like it though. She has surrounded herself with so many influences and is distracting herself from thinking about the situation.

I better get some breakfast and start my day, I've been lurking on this forum for 3 hours and need to stop feeling like a loser!

[antlers]

We haven't contacted each other in any form or fashion. I am really losing hope in this situation. How does a person continue DB'ng in this kind of situation?

I keep telling myself that miracles happen everyday, and hoping for "divine intervention" to change her mind or at least soften her stance a bit to give us a chance. I will not initiate contact with her no matter what, but how do you know if you're making progress or backsliding?

I get stuck in this constant loop of worrying about things, hoping for signs of change, wishing she'd reach out to me and just shoot a text saying hi or something. This process has been going on for about 2 months, and this is the first time we have had NO contact whatsoever.

I keep telling myself time is my ally, and hoping she will begin to crack. It doesn't seem like it though.

My wife wants no contact whatsoever also. She doesn't even want us to see each other while handing off our kids to each other. I think the best things we can do are to honor and cherish them by giving the the space and time that they need. Hopefully, they will then be able to process the TONS of emotions that they need to deal with...and start to heal. They can't do this with us contacting them frequently. We have to leave them alone, and let them initiate any contact. Hopefully, time will be an ally to us. It's less about effort on our part, and more about discipline on our part. That's the way I'm trying to look at it. I know you're hurting...me too! It's about not doing what doesn't work...and I've done plenty that doesn't work!

[Kokopelli]

Antlers,
Thanks for the words. I've done plenty that hasn't worked also. It's strange to me that my W has been the primary contactor for the last couple weeks and now no contact. Makes me wonder if things are backfiring...I think she has to know, or at least think, that I will not always be here for her. You are so right about discipline...it's one of the hardest things in this situation.

I know we can't second guess ourselves either. We either are detaching or pursuing. I have to stick with the detachment and allow it time to work. I have learned so much about my W over the last month, the most important in how she is handling this sitch.

She absolutely will not take time to reflect on things. She constantly has to stay busy, surround herself with her enabling circle, and continue to distract her thoughts. Whenever she is alone, she usually initiates contact with me. This is what makes reconciling a hard thought to have. I know that until she learns to process her feelings, there is probably no chance, and she will not allow that to happen by remaining distracted and surrouned by supporters for her cause. She is a very headstrong woman, and has NEVER admitted to being wrong about anything. Seriously, she has never apologized to me for anything in our almost 9 years together! That is headstrong. But twisted in a different direction one of the reasons I love her so :o)

Tough cookie to crack in this kind of sitch, no support from anyone on her side.

[antlers]

We are the triggers for their pain and anger...the bad stuff they feel from their marriages to us. I'm gonna try harder to detatch, whatever that is, and get stronger...mentally, physically, and spiritually. I miss my wife, and it's hard to just 'leave her alone', but I know that I have to do it. It's hard to do the exact opposite of what your heart is telling you to do. She hates me right now, and says her feelings towards me are getting worse and worse. I hope that it's just her reaching a point where she is starting to verbalize it and really 'feel' it. One of these smart ladies on this board said it's like an abscess that needs to be lanced...once it is...the pus has to drain out for a while before the healing can start taking place. I hope there are still some emotions there for me besides just hate...she sure is angry and hateful towards me. She has reason to be...but it's still hard to understand and grasp. I hope and pray for a reinvention of my marriage. I know it will, take a long time for it to happen...if it ever does. God willing, and me being strong and disciplined enough, I hope it happens.

[orangedog]

This is all really tough. As soon as I read the first page (wife really cold and distant, constant texting, always gone) I could feel alot of the same thing going on in my own sitch. (She's said there isn't another man but I wouldn't be surprised if there was). It's all so hard to look back then wonder who this new person is who replaced my wife. It just makes me shake my head sometimes.

Mine has plans for me to move out but I haven't told her yet that I'm not going anywhere. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better.

Take care of yourself. Exercise, see friends, GAL, treat yourself. I'm pullin' for you.

[Kokopelli]

I like the pus metaphor Ant. I feel my W views me the same way, with a lot of anger and bitterness. I truly believe you don't just turn love off. There is just other "muck" covering their hearts right now and we have to give them space to start cleaning it off. I will pray for you as well friend. Lord knows all of us on the board here can use the positive energy. I think with you, she's telling you her feelings are getting worse, you probably should do some serious 180's or Last Resort to allow the negative feelings to reduce down. Take my advice for what you paid for it though, my situation is pretty jacked up and seems to get worse daily.

[antlers]

It's all so hard to look back then wonder who this new person is who replaced my wife. It just makes me shake my head sometimes.

Isn't that the truth! I've known this woman for nearly 2 decades, and I've NEVER seen the person that she is now.

[antlers]

It sucks. I know I needed to change regardless, and I'm still working on me. I just hope God will give me another chance and not punish me for the rest of my life because of my stupid mistakes.

[Kokopelli]

My IC told me the other day that what we are seeing in our WAW may seem as though it's a different person, but it's a side of them that has always been there. This may be true, but if it is then her behavior is definitely magnified because this is extreme for her. This is very difficult to deal with. I am on day 4 of no contact, I feel myself breaking down more often, longing to hear from her. I didn't do great about GAL'ng this weekend, spent most of my weekend on this forum and moping around my new apartment.

I did go out with some mutual friends last night and then to the movies with another friend. I fell asleep in The Fast and Furious movie. Man, I keep doing that, I never fell asleep in movie theaters before this sitch occurred. One of our friends had been drinking a bit before I got there, he managed to let his lips be looser than usual...he was telling me that he didn't think W & I are right for each other and felt that way for sometime. He told me he thought I put W on a pedestal and continue to be very protective/defensive of her even though she's treating me the way she is. He went on to say that I should move on, and that he thinks I will be better off in the long run.

This situation is awkward because he doesn't really know me or my W that well. I have only known him for 1 year, but even then it's been a distant relationship at best. His girlfriend is (was) W's best friend. So he's heard some things from his lady that my W had been saying in the past, even before the bomb. It's interesting to hear some things, but honestly I was pretty irritated at his comments last night. Telling me that me and my W aren't right for each other?? That really upset me...we've been together for almost 9 years, this dude really doesn't know either one of us.

Is it wrong for me to be protective of WAW and things people say about her? I'm still her husband and feel that is my responsibility, I mean I still love her more than anything. Being told to just "move on" is tough for me also because I don't want to just move on from my M! My M is the single most important thing to me! I'm just venting a bit, but I guess everyone else keeps telling me the writing is on the wall and my W is gone, why do I keep hanging on? Blind faith that our love is so real it can't disappear.

Well, time to get ready for church...