It's Complicated! Part 5

[glamgirl]

Yes Naej wallow would be a good word. It's not like my h was going to church on a regular basis. He would take his parents when they came to visit like twice a year. I really didn't think he cared much about church.

Then he wanted me to become his faith. Take classes and all that. I was working a very demanding job at the moment and the classes conflicted with travel. My h is right I wasn't too much into changing to his faith. H and I really never discussed. I didn't think it mattered much to h, since he wasn't attending regularly, but boy I was wrong he used that against me over and over. Said that I went off made my own decisions etc. To him I see his view, but I really had NO clue he was that obsessed with it. It's just one of the many things that my h can't let go of. If he felt that way he should have confronted me at the time instead of bringing it up in C when I had NO clue he felt that way. This is repeated over and over in our M.

In my h's mind, I don't listen. I guess listening to my h, is living and never questioning any of his actions or what he says and when I do question, h says it doesn't matter the decision is done. We never make decisions together and before they happen. It's either h making his or me making mine. We have brought this up in C, but so far nothing has changed. I can't even get my h to talk to me let alone include me on his decision making. I have to just let it all go. At this point it doesn't really matter. What is the point of a M if you can't discuss.

As I reflect back, for the past 3 years I have waited for my h to become part of the household. To share financial responsibilities, to combine our income and improve our situation. I see that sub-conciously I was doing that, being patient and waiting and waiting and in my heart really thinking that was what my h was going to do. Well, facing reality probably wasn't what my h was thinking at all. Not so sure now, that he really ever saw himself moving home.

I wanted the house more than anything. Don't get me wrong I still do, but what once was my everything has now become my burden. It doesn't make sense to me to make this journey alone. I am hanging on to this house in hopes that my h will find his way home and we can live as a family once again, but in the mean time I struggle paying for most everything.

With s20 and his friend moving out, child support for s20 stopped and now h's loss of job and my pending loss of job the burden is just too great. It just makes sense to free myself and start fresh elsewhere. If my h were committed and wanted to live here too, it would be different.

Sometimes you just need to go in another direction and see what life brings you. Thanks BM for stopping by. I am ok, just crossing some unchartered water at the moment.

Naej as far as jobs they are far and few between. I am trying to make decisions now so that I could go much longer without a job if I scale back now. I might be able to live a year or 2 without a job if I made some drastic living changes. Wouldn't that be nice to actually take a year or more off from work.