It's Complicated! Part 5

[job]

Glam,
Beginner gave you excellent advice...pull back a lot, not just a little and leave him be. He scared himself back up into the tunnel and he sensed that you were expecting things from him that he cannot give right now, i.e., his fully attention, love, etc. He will come back out to play in the sandbox again, and this time, it will be a longer period of time.

He's still got a lot of growing to do yet. In other words, he's 3/4 baked up. While the baking is continuing, keep the focus on you and your children. If he wants to be a part of the family, he will have to be the one to find a way to join in. Remember...he's just a friend at this point.

[peacetoday]

GG
I know it is hard and you have worked hard and your R with your H has progressed
Snodderly is right and if your H is baking well then the owen might get mighty hot
so hang in there
he will be back and hopefully and little more cooked and ready to work on things
keep praying
you have done amazingly well and all your changes are yours for keeps
H is the catalyst
peace

[happynow]

Hi Glam,

I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now with your H, but everyone is right, step back & let him do his own thing for now.

Hang in there!!!
(((HUGS)))

[glamgirl]

Naej they do charge for missed appts., not so sure they won't charge h when he trys to reschedule or just not take an appt from him, but you are right not MY issue.

BM thank you so much for reminding me of NOT taking it personally. It's so hard when someone that you truly love and care about is so rude and disrespectful. He really shows me that he doesn't care how I feel or care enough to include me. I am sure that is NOT his intent, but not so sure what holds him back from being informative and respectful. He wants that from others, but is unwilling to be that way himself.

Snodderly thanks for stopping by. Your posts always lift my spirits when I feel down in the dumps. Thank you for understanding ME and MY situation.

Thanks Peace for continuing to encourage me. I know that you know how very tough this situation is. I did more praying the past few days and realize that I can always TRUST in God. He is really the only one I can put my TRUST in.

Thanks NLT for stopping by. I know that you have been through great struggles and you are progressing through your own crisis nicely.

It's a beautiful day today. I made homemade donuts for the kids and a fresh fruit salad for breakfast. I spent time reading to the kids today and we prayed together. I love my kids and they make everything so worth while.

I am sad today though. I miss the person that my h was. He was really a good man. I do feel hopeless today, but that is ok because I am moving forward with my life. I have a future, regardless of what it looks like.

H said he would be here today, but I am doubtful that will happen. It's not ok for his poor behavior, but I am no longer waiting for him to arrive. I have plans today with the kids.

Thanks all for listening and encouraging. I wish I had something more positive to post, but this is reality.

[naej]

Hi Glam, I am glad you had a good day with your children, they do make it all worthwhile don't they.

I wish I had something more positive to post, but this is reality.

I thought your day sounded positive and in fact the way you are growing is a huge positive.
I take it you meant not positive was b/c h is still in la la land. Gosh if we only posted when our H's said I am sorry please forgive me,I want to come home so we can have a great marriage again etc etc etc...
then this bb would probably cose down, cos it seems to happen once in a blue moon.
Yes some get very close but then back off or some return only to disappear again and a few actually reach the finishing post.
To see the reality of your situation is a huge positive,believe me. Sometimes we can spend years in a la la land of our own making.
Yes you get down from time to time but you never wallow and you pick yourself up faster and faster. That is another huge positive.
So I say Glam you are a positive person and good things await you in your life whether H chooses to be included is up to him.
His loss.
OK point made.
Enjoy your Sunday.

[glamgirl]

Thanks Naej for posting. You are right.

I had plans with the kids today. H called while we were out. I didn't realize he had called until I arrived home hours later. H was still at our home.

When we arrived I asked h how is everything? He said you don't care. I said sure I do h. Then he said sarcasticly, thanks for calling me back. I said sorry h, didn't realize I missed your call until you just said something.

It was already 3pm when we left and since it was so late, I really didn't think h was coming by.

We ate some chips and salsa and I read the paper with h. Later I asked him if it would be an issue if I started to take the kids to church in the evening. Now he still holds this against me from 7 years ago, that I wanted to bring God into our kids lives, so in me asking him I didn't want this to be an issue again.

Now I have asked h over and over if he wanted to go to church of his choice and over and over he said no. Now he has brought this up in C how angry he is that I didn't take the kids to his church. He says he is so angry he can't even talk about it, but yet when I mention going he doesn't want to NOW. Well h said not a problem, so I have found a church around the corner that we will start going to. I did ask h if he was interested in going with us, he said NO. I said is that a no for now as well as for the future and he said no for the future too.

H's job has ended and mine will end at the end of next month. I asked h if he had any issue putting the house up for sale. He said NOT at all. I was once so tied to the house and would have done anything to try to keep it. Now it means nothing to me. I was a little suprised that h acted very non-chalant about selling. It was as if he didn't really care. I guess he is not tied to the house, since he really left only about a week after we moved in and never lived here with me and the kids.

I realize all the things that were so important to me in this world mean nothing to me now. The house represented a family and M to me and that never was the case the past 3 years. It now represents an emptiness and brokeness now that s20 is gone and also a financial burden since we will both be out of work.

Not sure where I will be going or what I will be doing, but look forward to newness. It seems my h has been progressing, but not so sure he has what it takes to make his way home. Not trying to be pessimistic but realize it takes a great soul to do the work that is required to build a m back from failure and I am not getting the feeling my h is really interested in being M or just being the part time h that he is now.

I realize though I need to forge on for me and the kids and not wait for my h to announce "honey I am home". When h left this evening he gave me a nice hug goodbye. It was a different kind of hug, as if he wanted to say Glam I am sorry we didn't work out, at least that is the feeling I thought I got.

I have been looking for places to live and am excited about the prospects. I thought I would be sad, but actually the opposite and look forward to breaking the bonds of my past gloom and doom over the last 3 years.

The sad part is that a mere 3 years ago h and I were moving into our home and then pouf it was all over and he has never returned or really looked back. It's hard for me to look at our lives that way, but that is reality.

It might be different if he stayed some nights and spent more time getting to know me again and was trying to work his way back, but the other night he couldn't wait to get out of here as if someplace else was so much more important. It was as if he was having an anxiety attack if he stayed in our home past midnight. It just felt weird to me. I just knew at that moment, we really were not what h is interested in.

H would say over and over Glam I will never be the person you want me to be. I see that now. It's not a bad thing, it's just that h and I grew in different directions. We didn't want the same things in life nor did we have the same goals.

As far as communication, I do believe that was our biggest hurdle. My h always would make decisions without discussing with me and he felt that was acceptable. Then when I would want to discuss he would say forget it what's the point it's already in the past, without ever allowing me to understand why he did the things he did or why we couldn't have discussed before hand. That has always been a road block for us and still is today.

Naej thanks for the reminder that some never actually reach the finish line. That is what I have been feeling in my heart. If my h wanted to reach the finish line, he would have done so a long time ago.

I have been praying and asking God for direction and feel that this is where I should be going. It's not like my h is saying hey Glam wait a minute here. I want to come back home and be a family. When I mentioned selling the house, it was like go ahead, as if he could really care less. That is the vibe I got from my h, not sure if I read him wrong.

I hold nothing against my h. We in my opinion had a great M, but it was short lived. I only wish that my h could have that opinion too, but all things happen for a reason. I just don't know the reason yet for my situation.

Thanks all for listening to my heart and mind.

[naej]

Hi Glam sorry you didn't get any good vibes from H. He sure seems like he expects you to drop everything and sit by the phone on the off chance he may give you a call or turn up.
Well you got news for him your children are growing up and you and they both have lots of living to do.
It must be so frustrating and mentally draining.
In his way he is giving you plenty of clues as to his being done (whether he means them or it is just his own misery talking who knows).
Hard to understand the mind that can hold a grudge all those years about taking his children to a church. Why did he not take his children to the church of his choice if it mattered so much?
Are you different faiths or was it really just a case of a different church.
He has so many grudges and anger and only he can get past those,seems he would rather wallow.He reminds me of someone else's h.
I am sorry about the jobs, but your attitude towards the house is so positive,good for you. I hung on to mine for far to long,I rattled around in a big place on my own and got trapped by all the past and lost dreams for the future.
It kept me trapped in a prison of my own making.
Looking back the move was the best thing I did. Hard to do it alone but with your attitude and determination I can see it being a great adventure and a huge turning point in your healing and making a new life for your children.
I am sure God has so much more for you in your life Glam. IMO life is a gift and to wallow and waste it is a sin.
I know this is something you never wanted (did any of us) but facing the reality of the situation as you are, will go along way towards you living the life that God wants you to have.
Not sure if your h has op but have you ever done a 180 and been completely honest with him either in C or alone about how you feel and that you are moving ahead with or without him.
Maybe that would be a wake up call for him.
Did you feel the goodbye hug had to do with your talk on selling the house and maybe he felt you were moving on without him and letting him go so to speak.
I guess there is so much we will never know or understand but life is for living not waiting on the sidelines holding onto grudges.
Good luck with making your plans and I am sure financially it wil be a big help.
Have you any plans for a new job I know you have been looking.
Take care.

[dl443322]

Hey G, I hope you are ok. Listen, I think you are doing great and you are going to be ok. No one knows what the future holds. But you are right to move forward with your children. Your h still has so many issues and I think it best if you just leave him to figure them out on his own.

Leave the door open a crack and remember you did everything you could and then some.

Hang in there, my friend.

[glamgirl]

Yes Naej wallow would be a good word. It's not like my h was going to church on a regular basis. He would take his parents when they came to visit like twice a year. I really didn't think he cared much about church.

Then he wanted me to become his faith. Take classes and all that. I was working a very demanding job at the moment and the classes conflicted with travel. My h is right I wasn't too much into changing to his faith. H and I really never discussed. I didn't think it mattered much to h, since he wasn't attending regularly, but boy I was wrong he used that against me over and over. Said that I went off made my own decisions etc. To him I see his view, but I really had NO clue he was that obsessed with it. It's just one of the many things that my h can't let go of. If he felt that way he should have confronted me at the time instead of bringing it up in C when I had NO clue he felt that way. This is repeated over and over in our M.

In my h's mind, I don't listen. I guess listening to my h, is living and never questioning any of his actions or what he says and when I do question, h says it doesn't matter the decision is done. We never make decisions together and before they happen. It's either h making his or me making mine. We have brought this up in C, but so far nothing has changed. I can't even get my h to talk to me let alone include me on his decision making. I have to just let it all go. At this point it doesn't really matter. What is the point of a M if you can't discuss.

As I reflect back, for the past 3 years I have waited for my h to become part of the household. To share financial responsibilities, to combine our income and improve our situation. I see that sub-conciously I was doing that, being patient and waiting and waiting and in my heart really thinking that was what my h was going to do. Well, facing reality probably wasn't what my h was thinking at all. Not so sure now, that he really ever saw himself moving home.

I wanted the house more than anything. Don't get me wrong I still do, but what once was my everything has now become my burden. It doesn't make sense to me to make this journey alone. I am hanging on to this house in hopes that my h will find his way home and we can live as a family once again, but in the mean time I struggle paying for most everything.

With s20 and his friend moving out, child support for s20 stopped and now h's loss of job and my pending loss of job the burden is just too great. It just makes sense to free myself and start fresh elsewhere. If my h were committed and wanted to live here too, it would be different.

Sometimes you just need to go in another direction and see what life brings you. Thanks BM for stopping by. I am ok, just crossing some unchartered water at the moment.

Naej as far as jobs they are far and few between. I am trying to make decisions now so that I could go much longer without a job if I scale back now. I might be able to live a year or 2 without a job if I made some drastic living changes. Wouldn't that be nice to actually take a year or more off from work.

[job]

Glam,
Your h makes excuses for anything and everything so that he doesn't have to look within. We all have made mistakes, but you have to grow up, accept the fact that we are human and not perfect, and go on from there. Your h is living in the world of memorex. Lord knows, you could probably pull out a laundry list of things on him as well, but you've chosen to take the high road and go on.

BTW, you are not a mind reader...so how could you determine what your h was thinking or wanting to discuss. He needs to learn to communicate better w/you.

Have you given any thought to renting out the rooms once your son and his friend are gone? This will give you a little bit of extra income.

Hang in there and do not beat yourself up.