Saving Military Marriage - 3

[25yearsmlc]

FITCHK

I was a JAG in the first Gulf War and later in the reserves. It's the Sailor's & Soldiers Civil Relief Act that prevents judgements from being entered against you in court if you are serving overseas and due to that service, are unable to defend your interests in court....BUT if you don't show up and are served, then you could have a judgement rendered against you, which you could later have vacated citing that statute. (Doubtful your h would do that given that he is also active duty and is there now, correct? )

Since you have tried one approach, ie pursuing, albeit from a long distance, maybe you can try a 180 sometime? Have you read the DB books? Just to say that you don't seem to say much about trying a diff approach. I KNOW you are not in the normal sitch, I get that. But 180's would still be good and you COULD do them in the emails and talks. DrHem- gave some great advice.

Any chance he wants to be free to "play" overseas b/c he doesn't want to have to maintain fidelity? Maybe he just wants to "take a time out" until he's back? Just a thought, b/c the m was a short one. Does not mean this doesn't suck for you, but it's a valid question given the time in the M, or relative lack thereof. What happened in his first M? Kids? Any pattern? How was the dating and engagement?

Do what you need to do so YOU can focus on keeping yourself alive and those relying on you to do YOUR job as well. If you obsess too much, it's dangerous, literally. I always hated WAS when they had spouses in combat zones...used to lecture them SO much...btw, many of them left my office WITHOUT div papers that's for sure..."yeah, come back LATER when you've really thought it out you selfish pathetic #$%^&" I think may have come out of my mouth on occasion.
Ooops...oh well....made MY day easier...

Good luck, and don't lose all hope. I have relatives who actually divorced only to remarry years later. Yes, YEARS later. But the 2nd time around was better and lasted until death, or is still going on.

And it is b/c of DBing, and God's help that I am where I am now. I would not have predicted this 2 years ago. But it IS a longer road than your whole M has been, so if you really really want it you better buckle in for the long haul. We did mc but H was unreachable and had to find his own way however weird or incomprehensible it was to me. But I have to say it was DBing that helped me the most. And answer your h's questions about why you want to be married to him with more than ILY...I think he needs reasons..just a hunch. But then, do it in view of the fact that you have not really done any 180's of note, have you? A day or two of a behavior, let alone from such a distance, is NOT a 180 that you can measure. I'd keep ALL the talk light and upbeat...and NO R talk at all.

For now. Also consider a DB coaching session. Of the many many things I did to help myself, GAL and PMA, etc. the single most important thing was the DB coaching...specific, clear. And of course part of that is GAL...are you? I saw the trips planned---yay!! Good for you...

take care, and Carry On...

(( j ))